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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
- Start date
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Graham
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- Graham
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OP
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- The real Chris
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But Jim's is far bigger
andyred
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OP
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Fair point well presentedAnd how many times have you been told, size doesn’t matter
ianp5a
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Why is this in the joke section? Surely it's just good advice?
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Brendan Mulachy
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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes !" she said "He's got one hanging there"!
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50...................... He's the Window cleaner!"
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes !" she said "He's got one hanging there"!
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50...................... He's the Window cleaner!"
Brendan Mulachy
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My mate said, "I like your motor bike."
I said, "it's not very practical now we have a baby."
He said, "How about I buy it off you?"
I said, "Go on then. Three Grand?"
He said,"You've got yourself a deal."
I said,"Nice one, I'll drop it off next Tuesday."
He'll make a great Dad!!
I said, "it's not very practical now we have a baby."
He said, "How about I buy it off you?"
I said, "Go on then. Three Grand?"
He said,"You've got yourself a deal."
I said,"Nice one, I'll drop it off next Tuesday."
He'll make a great Dad!!
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- Heather
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Never ignore the power of punctuation.......
.
......There's a Maypole dancer......
.......Theresa May, pole dancer......
.......There's a Maypole dancer......
.......Theresa May, pole dancer......
admirable
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A horse was having a drink.....
........in his local pub when he spotted a donkey at the end of the bar.
He trotted over and said to the donkey that he'd not seen him around here before.
Donkey says he's just moved into the area and they struck up a conversation.
As it does, conversation turned round to what they did for a living. The horse said he was a retired race-horse. Had won everything in his day; the ledger, gold cup, grand national, oaks, etc.
Donkey said he worked on the beach with kids but also now retired and felt a bit embarrassed that not as exciting as the horse.
At the end of the evening Donkey invited horse to come over his for a few beers that coming week and they agreed a day and time.
Reflecting on it donkey couldn't help thinking about horses illustrious career versus his own situation so he thought he needed to impress horse when he visited.
He went to the shops and bought a picture of a zebra and hung it over his fire-place.
That week horse visited and they made small talk. Horse said he had a nice gaff but who was that in the picture over the fire place.
Donkey said.........
........oh that. That was me when I played for Juventus.......
........in his local pub when he spotted a donkey at the end of the bar.
He trotted over and said to the donkey that he'd not seen him around here before.
Donkey says he's just moved into the area and they struck up a conversation.
As it does, conversation turned round to what they did for a living. The horse said he was a retired race-horse. Had won everything in his day; the ledger, gold cup, grand national, oaks, etc.
Donkey said he worked on the beach with kids but also now retired and felt a bit embarrassed that not as exciting as the horse.
At the end of the evening Donkey invited horse to come over his for a few beers that coming week and they agreed a day and time.
Reflecting on it donkey couldn't help thinking about horses illustrious career versus his own situation so he thought he needed to impress horse when he visited.
He went to the shops and bought a picture of a zebra and hung it over his fire-place.
That week horse visited and they made small talk. Horse said he had a nice gaff but who was that in the picture over the fire place.
Donkey said.........
........oh that. That was me when I played for Juventus.......
Brendan Mulachy
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There was a girl called Louise
Who's pubes hung down to her knees
Her crabs got together
And knitted a sweater
So in winter her flaps didn’t freeze
Who's pubes hung down to her knees
Her crabs got together
And knitted a sweater
So in winter her flaps didn’t freeze
Mountkeen
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Interviewer: "What do you consider one of your best strengths?"
Me: "I can perform under pressure."
Interviewer: "That's fantastic! Can you give me an example?"
Me: "Sure".
(clears throat.......)
".............mm ba ba de
Um bum ba de
Um bu bu bum da de
Prrrrressure pushing down on me..........."
Me: "I can perform under pressure."
Interviewer: "That's fantastic! Can you give me an example?"
Me: "Sure".
(clears throat.......)
".............mm ba ba de
Um bum ba de
Um bu bu bum da de
Prrrrressure pushing down on me..........."
Mountkeen
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When I was younger I wanted to go to medical school so along with a number of fellow students I sat an entrance exam.
One of the questions was to rearrange the letters "PNEIS" into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered "spine" are doctors today.
The rest of us are posting jokes on the internet.
One of the questions was to rearrange the letters "PNEIS" into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered "spine" are doctors today.
The rest of us are posting jokes on the internet.