The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

At this time of the year it’s difficult to know what to say without offending someone and there has been a lot going on on various FB groups recently. So I’ve checked with my legal adviser and on his advice I wish to say the following to all friends and acquaintances.
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2018, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Great Britain is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.
 
Doc said:
At this time of the year it’s difficult to know what to say without offending someone and there has been a lot going on on various FB groups recently. So I’ve checked with my legal adviser and on his advice I wish to say the following to all friends and acquaintances.
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2018, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Great Britain is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.
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Merry Christmas to you too (y)(y)
 
Just got the Xmas decorations down from the loft and found a present I forgot to give the kids last year.

Its a shame really,



they would've loved that kitten.
 
A Sgt Major was attending a charity ball when a young lady came up to him and attempted to start a conversation, hi how are you, she said
The Sgt Major simply said "fine miss"
The young lady then said, you have lots of medals, I bet you see a lot of action.
Yes miss, the Sgt Major replied.

Thinking that this was hard work getting the Sgt Major to have a conversation, she said, you ought to lighten up a little, have a laugh and some wine.
No thank you, said the Sgt Major.

Jeez said the young lady, when did you last let yourself go, have sex.......
1958 said the Sgt Major

1958 .............. come with me said the young lady, she then took him into the storeroom and had sex several times.

WOW said the young lady, you haven't lost your touch since 1958, that was amazing

Oh my word said the Sgt Major is it 2115 already.
 
Arnold goes into a technology store and starts looking around. He sees a game console and ultra high definition TV, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the salesman; “How much are these console and TV?”

“Ten quid for both of them,” the salesman answers.

“Damn! Are you kidding me?”Arthur replies unbelievingly.

“No, that’s the price,” the salesman replies, “Do you want to buy them or not?”

“Yeah,I’ll take them!” the Arnold response.

He continues to look around and see a home theatre system with bluray player,amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much does it costs?” he asks.

“Ten quid for the system,” the salesman answers.

“Is it stolen?” Arnold asks.

“No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want to buy it or not?”

“Sure,” the customer replies. He looks around some more.

Next Arnold finds a powerful laptop computer and a printer. “How much?”

“Ten quid,” was the salesman response.

“I’ll take that too!”Arnold says.

As the salesman is ringing up the purchases,Arthur asks him,

“Why are these electronic items so cheap?”

The salesman answers,“Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

What he’s doing to my wife, I’m doing to his business!”
 
25353630_1795595530745252_3992531642913191768_n.jpg
 
AHILL said:
OMG it is too. :eek:

I gotta take it down. :runaway:LOL
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Nooo the plastic doll is better looking, has a stronger personality and smile than Hopkins who cannot smile.
 
With all this weather, pavements are very treacherous now. If you have elderly or vulnerable neighbours please knock on their door and ask if they need any shopping. If they say 'Yes' then why not ask them to do yours at the same time.
There's no point in both of you risking your necks in this weather.
 
Edward was marching his army north from Glasgow to Stirling. Suddenly, on top of a nearby hill, a figure appeared and shouted "
icon_censored.gif
off, ya English
icon_censored.gif
!"

Enraged, Edward ordered two of his knights to get up the hill and kill the upstart Scot. As they raced up the hill on their chargers, the man dropped down behind the hill. The knights crested the rise and raced down the other side. There was some shouting and screaming, then the Scotsman appeared again.

"Ah tellt ye -
icon_censored.gif
off!

Edward was furious and ordered twenty men to take down the Scot. Again, the Scot ran down the otehr side of the hill, the English soldiers crested the rise, there was much shouting and screaming, then the Scotsman appeared again.

"Get it right up ye, ye English
icon_censored.gif
!" and bared his buttocks at the English.

Edward was incandescent and ordered 500 of his troops to go up the hill and teach the Scot a lesson. As happened before, the Scot disappeared as the English soldiers crested the rise. Again, much shouting and screaming could be heard.

Finally, one of the English soldiers limped back over the hill, covered in wounds and blood. He staggered back to his lines and fell at the king's feet.

"Sire, it's a trap. There's two of them", he reported.
 
A beautiful Bengal cat you have there and what a poser! :)
 
I went for a bite to eat at a really upmarket burger van last night..... It had 2 Michelin tyres
 
Theresa May dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts her to an elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and she finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it her dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped her out over the
years....... The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy.... casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to May with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Theresa!"

"Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight" says May, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, Theresa: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"

May takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad.

They are having such a great time that, before she realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as May steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, she is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours May is made to chill with a bunch of honest,
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, she doesn't see anybody she knows, and she isn't even treated like someone special!

Worst of all, to May, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff.

"Whoa," she says uncomfortably to herself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, May reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all --but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste.. kind of like Middlesborough. she is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to May and puts an arm around her
shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked May, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and caviar drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
 
Hugh Jarse said:
Theresa May dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates.
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Another new slant on a very old joke :p
 
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