The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Doc said:
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Red cross. :(
 
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This afternoon at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £11.50, but when she counted out all of her change she had just under £10. I thought she was probably someone’s Nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive. She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time at all we had all her shopping back on the shelves. Good deed for the day.
 
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The recent death of Christine Keeler reminded me of a joke about her and Mandy Rice-Davies that was current at the time and for which you have to be of a certain age now.

Christine and Mandy were sharing a flat in Kensington. One evening Mandy had her bath first and being messy made the floor wet. When Christine went in the bathroom she slipped and fell as she got into the bath and her big toe went into the outlet of one of the old fashioned large bath taps where it jammed.

Christine called Mandy who tried to release it but failed, Mandy then called a plumber. While they were waiting for the plumber Christine asked Mandy for something to cover the area between her legs, which were wide open because, to ease the pain from her toe, she was sitting on a towel on the side of the bath.

The only thing she could find that was suitable was one of John Profumo's bowler hats, which he had left behind on a previous visit, and this was the sight the plumber saw when in walked in. After looking at this scenario for a couple of minutes he shock his head and said that he couldn't rectify the situation. Christine angrily asked why he couldn't free her toe to which he replied "Your toe is no problem at all, but I can do nothing to help Acker Bilk."
 
A friend and I have for well over a year had a running email thread for 'today's funny'

This came a short time ago - and I'm highly amused

<<An article I read earlier had a link to a UK forum - the Army Rumour Service. Note the URL of said forum: ....>>

https://www.arrse.co.uk
 
T'was the night before Christmas,
and all over the house,
not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.

I knew I should have changed the battery in that carbon monoxide alarm!



Joking aside, please be safe this Christmas everyone.(y)
 
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The Ages of Britain

1. Paleolithic.
2. Mesolithic.
3. Neolithic.
4. Bronze Age.
5. Iron Age.
6. Antiquity.
7. The Middle Ages.
8. The Renaissance.
9. The Modern Age.
10. Shambolic Fountain of Idiot P1ss.
 
The AA have warned anyone travelling in icy and snowy conditions should take a shovel, blankets/sleeping bag, extra clothing (including scarf, hat and gloves), 24hr supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, spare battery, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads


I felt a right idiot on the bus !!
 
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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.
Thank you.
Risk Management Team...
 
When Thor throws a hammer he's 'saving the world'

When I throw a hammer I have 'anger management issues' :(
 
Must be cold outside, I just saw a Romanian with his hands in his own pockets.
 
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