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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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Brendan Mulachy
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I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure. I've got four letters left. They mean nothing to me.. O V N R
camerassassin
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The Cabbie and the Nun
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…….
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!” .
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…….
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!” .
OP
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Google tells me Zoe Elizabeth Sugg is an English fashion and beauty vlogger, YouTuber, and author.
I can sleep easy in my bed knowing that ...
WTF? seriously, WTF?
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Apparently Boots have dropped the price by £25 after that review ^
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LOL I wonder "how low they can go"
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Towards the end of his life my granddad was always complaining about the price of things... "£2.50 for a cup of tea? That's daylight robbery!" "£3.50 for a paper plate with 3 garibaldi biscuits on it? That's disgraceful!".
Eventually I had enough of this and said "Look, just shut up and pay up you tight-fisted old b****r, you called round to my house, I didn't invite you here"!
Eventually I had enough of this and said "Look, just shut up and pay up you tight-fisted old b****r, you called round to my house, I didn't invite you here"!
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omens
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As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him:
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink….“Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”
It’s always better to get a second opinion
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink….“Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”
It’s always better to get a second opinion
the black fox
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I have the cure for the homeless situation
Just put photos of big tits in the big issue
Just put photos of big tits in the big issue
Farmerjim
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The way to remember how to spell this affliction is to use the mnemonic .......Died In A Rolls Royce Having Over Eaten Again
Diarrhoea is hereditary, did you know that?
It runs in your genes
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An elderly farmer and his wife were expecting the Vicar for afternoon tea, the old farmer wasn't very pleased as he thought the Vicar was a bit of a boring old prude so he said to his wife that he'd make an excuse and leave soon after the Vicar arrived. This he duly did after exchanging some pleasantries about the weather, with the excuse "Sorry I can't stay Vicar, I've got a load of manure to spread on the lower field while the weather holds good".
After the old farmer had left, the Vicar turned to the farmer's wife and said "I must say, I find the word manure really rather coarse and offensive, couldn't you get your husband to refer to it as fertiliser instead?". To which the farmer's wife replied, "I don't think so Vicar, you see it's taken me nigh on 40 year to get him to call it manure".
After the old farmer had left, the Vicar turned to the farmer's wife and said "I must say, I find the word manure really rather coarse and offensive, couldn't you get your husband to refer to it as fertiliser instead?". To which the farmer's wife replied, "I don't think so Vicar, you see it's taken me nigh on 40 year to get him to call it manure".
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