The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once!"
 
omens said:
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?"

"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"

"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?"

"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."

"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once!"
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Doc said:
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once!"
Click to expand...

See post 4136
 
A Scottish man goes into a bar, and orders a pint of bitter.
He goes and sits down, and about halfway through his pint, he gets up and goes to the toilet.

Whiles he's away from the table, a muscular black woman walks over to his table, lifts up his pint, and breaks wind loudly into the glass.

The Scotsman returns, and when he picks up his drink to take a sip, he notices the vile odour.
He looks around the pub, and sees the only other occupant is a black woman sat in the corner.

"See you!" he says. " you fart in ma Whitbread?"
The black lady replies,

"No, I'm Tessa Sanderson".
 
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 18 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the chemist. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
 
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."

With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"

She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
 
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied: "I'm going to Las Vegas." He asked her why she was going. She told him: "I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free." He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch. His wife said: "And just where do you think you are going?" "I'm going too!" he replied. "Why?" she asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!"
 
A young man strides into a chemist and asks for a packet of condoms. The pharmacist replies: 'They come in packs of three, nine, or 12. Which would you like?'

'Well,' the young man begins confidently, 'I've been seeing this girl and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night.
We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going away for the weekend.

Once she has seen what I'm like in the sack, I reckon she'll want me all the time. So you'd better give me a packet of 12.'

The pharmacist hands over the condoms, and the young man leaves, all puffed up and proud.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. Before they begin, however, he suddenly asks if they can say grace.

The family agrees, but is taken aback when the young man continues praying silently for several minutes, once the grace has finished.

Eventually, his girlfriend leans over and whispers, 'You never told me you were so religious.'

The young man leans back and whispers, 'You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.'
 
Cartus said:
A Scottish man goes into a bar, and orders a pint of bitter.
He goes and sits down, and about halfway through his pint, he gets up and goes to the toilet.

Whiles he's away from the table, a muscular black woman walks over to his table, lifts up his pint, and breaks wind loudly into the glass.

The Scotsman returns, and when he picks up his drink to take a sip, he notices the vile odour.
He looks around the pub, and sees the only other occupant is a black woman sat in the corner.

"See you!" he says. " you fart in ma Whitbread?"
The black lady replies,

"No, I'm Tessa Sanderson".
Click to expand...

Scotsmen don't buy bitter - lager or export :)

Fail :D
 
A man walks into a crowded pub with a lioness on a lead. After calling for silence, the man drops his trousers and deals the lioness a mighty blow on the head with a large wooden mallet. The stunned lioness then proceeds to 'perform a sex act' on the man. "Roll up, " shouts the man, "for just five pounds a time, who else would like to have a go?" A little old lady puts down her half-pint of stout and says, "Go on then son, take my fiver, but don't hit me so hard with the mallet."
 
MartynK said:
Wasn't there 'Special' at one time? I vaguely remember it from my student days...many years ago! :(
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6 pints of special and a packet of salted nuts (and change) for £1 in 1975 :) at the Student's Union on the Heriot Watt campus.
 
kendo1 said:
Scotsmen don't buy bitter - lager or export :)

Fail :D
Click to expand...
A man walks into a bar in Glasgow and says "Can I have a pint of larger and lime please?". The barman replies "I'm sorry, we don't do cocktails".

PS You didn't mention 'heavy'!
 
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kendo1 said:
6 pints of special and a packet of salted nuts (and change) for £1 in 1975 :) at the Student's Union on the Heriot Watt campus.
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Did you ever get to the Teviot Row Union (Edinburgh Uni)? Old Victorian building with several bars...:D
 
MartynK said:
Did you ever get to the Teviot Row Union (Edinburgh Uni)? Old Victorian building with several bars...:D
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I went to them all :)

That's where I first met my wife...
... and bumped into her a few times at Nicky Tams.
 
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kendo1 said:
I went to them all :)

That's where I first met my wife...
... and bumped into her a few times at Nicky Tams.
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That was down off George IV bridge? It had a downstairs/basement bar? You're bringing back memories...of what it was like to be 18...:)
 
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MartynK said:
That was down off George IV bridge? It had a downstairs/basement bar? You're bringing back memories...of what it was like to be 18...:)
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Yep/ Three bars on different levels.

Shorty Rodgers was one of the acts.
 
Back when I was 45 I was dragged to a student union by the then brother in law who was studying at Napier, The 2 things I remember were being asked for ID before they let me in and the overpowering stench of unwashed bodies.

The unwashed seem to frequent a number of establishments in Edinburgh, the two that spring to mind are The Three Sisters and The Tron which has a main bar area and two basement bar areas
 
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Keith W said:
Back when I was 45 I was dragged to a student union by the then brother in law who was studying at Napier, The 2 things I remember were being asked for ID before they let me in and the overpowering stench of unwashed bodies.

The unwashed seem to frequent a number of establishments in Edinburgh, the two that spring to mind are The Three Sisters and The Tron which has a main bar area and two basement bar areas
Click to expand...
Oy!

My son works at the Three Sisters and is scrupulously clean!

Not sure about the clientele, mind you...
 
An Italian girl is getting married. She's incredibly naive and worried about what to do on the wedding night. So she asks her mum for help and her mum says "donta worry, if you have any problems, you just shouta for mama and I helpa you."

The wedding is over and the groom takes his new bride up to the bedroom. As soon as he takes his shirt off, the girl panics and goes to see her mum.

"Mama, mama, Luigi he's a gotta all this hair all over his chest".

Mama laughs. "Thatsa ok my darling. Mosta men have that. Now you go back to him."

She returns and the groom takes off his trousers. Again the girl panics and rushes off to her mum.

"Mama, mama, Luigi he's a gotta hair all over his legs too!"

Ha ha, that'sa normal. Hush, my darling. Mosta men gotta that too. Now you go back to him."

She returns. Luigi takes off his socks and she notices that he's got all the toes missing from one of his feet. Again she panics and rushes off to her mum.

"Mama, mama. Luigi, he's a gotta foot and a half!"

"Ok, you stay here bambino. Sometimes a Mama's gotta sort out the problem!"
 
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A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies,
"No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said,
"Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little petrol, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left .....and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
 
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