The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

OK OK in praise of the Sat nav

I love my sat nav. I’d be lost without it.

Not sure about my new sat nav. I was in the local safari park, and it said bear left. It was clearly an elephant.

Yorkshire Constabulary have had all of their sat navs stolen. A spokesman said that they are searching for Leeds.

I spilt a jar of Vanish on my sat nav. Now I can’t find Staines anywhere.

Saw someone driving with a crocodile reading a map in the passenger seat. I asked what was going on, he said “That’s my Navi Gator”.

And the predictable ones ...
Bought a sat nav from Bono. It’s rubbish. All the streets have no name. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

Got a sat nav from Bonnie Tyler. It just keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

Got a Bon Jovi sat nav. Apparently we’re half way there.
 
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Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.( Knew this would grab your attention)

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching
powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense... Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned for Nick . . .

The moral of the story - Pay your ****** debts.
 
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure', they said, 'You're welcome.'

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!

Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked, too!!!'

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.










'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.'
 
Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Insurance Plan G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes, simples!
 
I mulch give it a try.
 
In the line at the supermarket, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment."

She was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soft drink bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the factory to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. They were recycled.

But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.

But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby's nappies because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in a 220 volt energy gobbling machine - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right; they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of a cricket pitch. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. They didn't have air conditioning or electric stoves with self cleaning ovens. They didn't have battery operated toys, computers, or telephones.

Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn fuel just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They used hand operated clippers to trim the shrubs. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; they didn't have the green thing back then.

They drank from a glass filled from the tap when they were thirsty instead of using a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But they didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people walked or took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?
 
Cartus said:
Q: Why do Norwegian battleships have bar codes painted on the side?

Wait for it...

A: Cause when the ships return to port they Scandinavian.
Click to expand...
This demands the forum institutes a groan button with immediate effect [emoji3]
 
Cartus said:
Q: Why do Norwegian battleships have bar codes painted on the side?

Wait for it...

A: Cause when the ships return to port they Scandinavian.
Click to expand...

Do they get Tesco Clubcard points as well ? :D
 
No. Ikea...
 
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when
they struck up a conversation.

The Yellow Labrador turned to the Chocolate Labrador and said, 'So, why
are you here?'

The Chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a p***er. I p*** on everything . . . the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
night when I p***ed in the middle of my owner's bed.

The Yellow Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'

'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. 'They
reckon it'll calm me down.

'The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Labrador and asked, 'Why are
you here?'

The Black Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole
in my owners' couch.'

'So what are they going to do to you?' the Yellow Lab inquired.

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too', the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, 'Why are
you here?'

'I'm a humper,' the Yellow Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and
was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I
hopped on her back and started hammering away'.

The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So,
nuts off for you too, huh?'

The Yellow Lab said, 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!'
 
The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.



Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.



It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.



Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'



'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently

dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.



If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'



As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.



I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.



Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'



'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.



By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.



I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'



'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
 
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