The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Now I understand why men go fishing

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WARNING: The following joke may be in poor taste. You have been warned.















A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around Pamplona. While sipping his kalimotxo, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.
It looked good.
It smelled good.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull he wins."
 
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your butt before prison ." 

 
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I was standing at the bar of our local International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"
He says "No, why the [PLEASE DON'T TRY TO BYPASS THE SWEAR FILTER] you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese and your racist?
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
 
I love poetry

I know a guy whose name is Jim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these mongerels do, they're still in the tin
 
mikew said:
I love poetry

I know a guy whose name is Jim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these mongerels do, they're still in the tin
Click to expand...

That's very similar to an old song we sang in the scouts. Here's another couple of verses

I went round to see my girlfriend Miss Brown.
She was in the bath and couldn't come down.
She said I'll slip on something, be down in a tick.
She slipped on the soap and didn't half come down quick.


A tramp by the wayside, all tattered and torn,
Was eating the grass from off my front lawn.
I said if you're hungry, in need of a snack,
The grass is much longer around at the back.
 
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck, the firefighter said with admiration. Thanks, the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.Little partner, the firefighter said, I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. The little girl replied thoughtfully, You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!!
 
mikew said:
I love poetry

I know a guy whose name is Jim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these mongerels do, they're still in the tin
Click to expand...
We used to sing this at Folk club, [You'll know the tune]

"To market, to market with my brother Jim
When somebody threw a tomato at him,
Tomatoes are us'ally soft witha skin,
But this b****r weren't, it were still in a tin"
:) :)
 
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for £100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000?" he asks again
."Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"...
So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for £10,000?!"She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmmmm, £10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts inthe world.As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well?Are you gonna bite them or not?'"
Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"
 
The North Yorkshire Police report finding a man's body in the River Swale, near Richmond.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a 'Theresa May for Prime Minister' T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the May T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care.
 
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