The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Chauvinist corner ;)

1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be open when she brings it.

2. Why is a Laundrette a bad place to pick up women?
A. Any woman who can't afford a washing machine probably can't afford to keep you.

3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. it's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the sink.

4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. She starts her sentence with " A man once told me".

5. How do you fix a womans watch?
A. You don't. There's one on the cooker.

6. Why do men fart more than women?
A. Women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog of course. The dog will shut up once you let it in.

8. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A. A women who won't do as she's told.

9. I married a Miss right.
A I just didn't realise her first name was 'Always'

10. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90%.
A. It's called wedding cake.

11. Why do men die before their wives?
A. Because they want to.

12. Why will women never be equal to men?
A. Not until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer belly and think they're still sexy.

In the beginning God created Earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then neither man nor God has rested.
 
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Q: Why hasn't a female been to the moon ?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.
 
Customs: Name?
Tourist: Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin
Customs: Occupation?
VVP: No, just a day visit.
 
Keith W said:
Yup he should be for the chop with that one, he must have known he wooden get away with it
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I do love these Axe-edental threads that lead to puns, but not everyone twigs them ;)

/Waits for the Leaf it out comments to start :D
 
Something about barking up the wrong tree. And a saw point. That should nail it. You know the drill. All the jokes come out of the woodwork.
It mitre been worse.
 
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A Beech and a Birch tree were arguing in the forest.."I am the greatest for I am a son of a Beech!" said one. "I am the greatest of the forest trees for I am a son of a Birch.."..This went one for weeks..Finally a woodpecker alights among the branches..he says.." well,you are both wrong, I just came from the other side of the forest..and I found the best piece of Ash I've had my pecker in"
 
King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’
‘Ah, sire, just observe,’ said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chasti...ty belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said the grateful monarch. ‘Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.’
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
‘Sir Galahad,’ exclaimed King Arthur. ‘My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless
 
Doc said:
King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’
‘Ah, sire, just observe,’ said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chasti...ty belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said the grateful monarch. ‘Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.’
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
‘Sir Galahad,’ exclaimed King Arthur. ‘My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless
Click to expand...
I would have thought Guinevere would have warned them, after the first one at least, all the blood etc! ;)
 
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