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and help to keep the site free for all
The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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frank
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Jeremy Hunt was doing an annual visit to a NHS hospital. As always he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were.
While Hunt was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the middle of the roll ?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll. We recycle whenever possible"
"Oh," replied Hunt,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these coloured casts you dispense. Isn't it rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realising that Hunt was trying to trap him. "We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs."
Hunt asked a dozen or more questions with similar results. he was determined to fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the government, and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete prick."
While Hunt was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the middle of the roll ?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll. We recycle whenever possible"
"Oh," replied Hunt,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these coloured casts you dispense. Isn't it rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realising that Hunt was trying to trap him. "We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs."
Hunt asked a dozen or more questions with similar results. he was determined to fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the government, and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete prick."
MatthewAlves
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camerassassin
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camerassassin
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When cats are sad:
Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
*Bartender pours it*
*Cat slowly pushes it off the bar*
Cat: Another.
Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
*Bartender pours it*
*Cat slowly pushes it off the bar*
Cat: Another.
OP
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Made me chuckle
Graham
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<------ dont take much I hear [emoji14]Made me chuckle
OP
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The sillier the better TBH<------ dont take much I hear
SsSsSsSsSnake
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The police found an ice cream man dead in his van,he was covered in hundreds and thousands,turned out he'd topped himself
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Ideally between 2 layers of bacon perhaps?
However, since I'm trying to shed a few excess pounds (managed 1/2 a stone in a fortnight so far!), I haven't had a bacon sarnie for almost 3 weeks. Might need to treat myself next week.
However, since I'm trying to shed a few excess pounds (managed 1/2 a stone in a fortnight so far!), I haven't had a bacon sarnie for almost 3 weeks. Might need to treat myself next week.
Farmerjim
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Doc
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The Young & Old Golfer
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
camerassassin
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mikew
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, “What a peaceful and loving couple.”
On this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well,” explained the husband, “it all goes back to our honeymoon.
“We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
“We hadn’t gone too much farther when my wife Ruth’s mule stumbled and she almost fell off. Ruth quietly said, ‘That’s once.’
“We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: ‘That’s twice.’
“We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. Ruth promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead.
“I SHOUTED at her, ‘What’s wrong with you, woman?! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?’
“Ruth looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ “
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, “What a peaceful and loving couple.”
On this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well,” explained the husband, “it all goes back to our honeymoon.
“We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
“We hadn’t gone too much farther when my wife Ruth’s mule stumbled and she almost fell off. Ruth quietly said, ‘That’s once.’
“We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: ‘That’s twice.’
“We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. Ruth promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead.
“I SHOUTED at her, ‘What’s wrong with you, woman?! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?’
“Ruth looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ “
Bobsyeruncle
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camerassassin
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