The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Mag1cp2x said:
Parallel lines have so much in common It's a shame they'll never meet.

My wife accused me of being immature so I told her to get out of my fort.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much I'm worth, then they call me ugly and poor.

A physicist saw a young man about to jump off a roof so he shouted to him "Don't do it ! You have so much potential !"

Want to hear a word I just made up ? 'Plagiarism'.

I took the shell off my racing snail in the hope he'd run faster but, if anything, it made him more sluggish.

Someone stole my mood ring and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
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Stuart Francis? :-)
 
I guess she could do with a cooking lesson :D

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Let's have a big aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! for the Easter Bunny ............
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Possibly NSFW or for those with a nervous disposition

Click for larger at your own peril!


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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.



When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion,
so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.


In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability


When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.


When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.


When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
 
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and


asks his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'




A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'



0



'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is'.
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'





Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'



'Pension sex?' 'Yeah, you know.

I get a little each month but not enough to live on!'






My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said,


'This will make you happy tonight.'


He was right.. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.


 
An old wino was rummaging through some bins when he came across an old dirty bottle with something it it.

He gave the bottle rub to see what was in it when poof! there before him stood a genie.

The genie says to him "You have 3 wishes, use them wisely"

The old wino immediately says "I would like a Rolls Royce with a million £1,000,000 in the boot"

Poof! there before him was a Rolls Royce with £1M in the boot.

"For my next wish I would like a tall naked blond woman with big boobs"

Poof! there before him was a tall naked blond woman with big boobs.

The old wino looks at the woman and say's for my last wish I would like a dick that touches the ground"

Poof! his legs disappeared






.
 
Mountkeen said:
I note that the cartoon character depicted is "Droopy". Rather self-effacing if you think about it.
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I see where you are going with that, but droopy has a turned up nose, and doesn't have a bow in his hair :D
More like "any old" bloodhound I would have thought..
 
Left it Droopy, right it Mrs Droopy?
 
Cobra said:
I see where you are going with that, but droopy has a turned up nose, and doesn't have a bow in his hair :D
More like "any old" bloodhound I would have thought..
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it worries me that you examined them that closely.
 
Beautiful young woman standing on the edge of a cliff when a scruffy old tramp walks past,he stops and asks are you going to jump to which she replies yes. How about having sex with me first the tramp asks,no way says the girl your just a disgusting dirty smelly mess,the tramp shrugs his shoulders and starts to walk away saying no problem i will wait at the bottom of the cliff.
 
mikew said:
Beautiful young woman standing on the edge of a cliff when a scruffy old tramp walks past,he stops and asks are you going to jump to which she replies yes. How about having sex with me first the tramp asks,no way says the girl your just a disgusting dirty smelly mess,the tramp shrugs his shoulders and starts to walk away saying no problem i will wait at the bottom of the cliff.
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Good old necrophilia.
Nothing better than sitting down at the end of a long day and cracking open a cold one...
 
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