The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A few quotes

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Rodney Dangerfield


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner



"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia



"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns



"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone



"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods



"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson



"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)



"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams



"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"

Billy Crystal



"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro



"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman



"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams



"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties! up whom."

Joan Rivers




"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin



" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Elmo Phillips
!


" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde



" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns
 
My small grandson got lost at the mall, he
> Approached a uniformed security guard and said,
> "I've lost my grandpa!"
> "The guard asked, "What's he like?"
> The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
> "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."
 
17351998_1261653113883754_1920318957156930764_n.jpg
 
A tough looking group of bikers were riding in southern Colorado when they saw a girl about to jump off the Royal Gorge Bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep, probing, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
 
mikew said:
A tough looking group of bikers were riding in southern Colorado when they saw a girl about to jump off the Royal Gorge Bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep, probing, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
Click to expand...
The other way of ending that one:

Police still don't know if she jumped or was pushed...

[emoji6]
 
I called your house the other day and was told you were down at your favourite biker bar with some friends.
I wasn't sure where that was, but was told I wouldn't have much trouble finding it.
Sure enough, I drove just a couple blocks and there it was...
There is nothing like the feel of the sun on your face and the wind in your hair, is there?


unnamed.jpg
 
Now boys and girls, here's a bedtime story from Uncle Christopher
 
On a beautiful summer’s day, two tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
 
Yardbent said:
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

:exit:
Click to expand...

May I promote my new range of extended dipsticks when yours will no longer reach the oil
 
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector last night.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.............................
 
His Lordship was taking a bath.

As the butler was washing his back, his Lordship released a mighty, wet, bubbly fart.

The butler disappeared but reappeared moments later with a hot water bottle.

"What is this," asked his Lordship.

"It is what you requested sir," came the reply.

"I didn't ask for that."

"But I distinctly heard you say sir. Fetch a hot water bottle Waddle."
 
idontcare.jpg
 
A boy asks his dad about his past.

"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies:
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
 
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift-wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing






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The 1970s rang.... Oldie but a goodie. although when I saw it it was Roger and it was the girlfriends sister not his.
 
DorsetDude said:
The 1970s rang.... Oldie but a goodie. although when I saw it it was Roger and it was the girlfriends sister not his.
Click to expand...

Yes, I know, I've seen it before but received in an email this a.m. and thought it deserved an airing :)
 
Mountkeen said:
I mixed liquid viagra with tippex last night.
Click to expand...
The 1980's called ........................ :p

Along those lines, as I wandered aimless down the garden path, I saw tiny creatures stood to attention.
In the half light, I was unable to identify what actually they were, so my mind raced at the possibility of a tiny alien invasion!

Then it occurred to me. I'd mixed up the Viagra and slug pellets!
 
I bought a U2 Satnav, but found it totally useless - the streets have no names and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
I then got a Bonnie Tyler one. That was just as bad - it was continually telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.
I now use the Fleetwood Mac version and just Go My Own Way.
 
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