The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

How to write good ...
1. Avoid alliteration. Always
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with
3. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations etc.
5. One should never generalise
6. Comparisons are as bad as clichés
7. Be more or less specific
8. Sentence fragments ? Eliminate
9. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement
10. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary
11) Who needs rhetorical questions ?
 
So, last Thursday was International Women's Day.

It was supposed to be Wednesday, but apparently they took longer than expected to be ready.
 
Steep said:
So, last Thursday was International Women's Day.

It was supposed to be Wednesday, but apparently they took longer than expected to be ready.
Click to expand...

But when it did finally go ahead, the women did such a great job they deserve a pat on the bottom :angelic:
 
One from a while ago - why it is important to check the email address :D


Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Flaming hot down here!
 
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If you get an email entitled, "Nude Photo of Katie Hopkins", don't open it, it contains a nude photo of Katie Hopkins.
 
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
 
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what's your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Johnny replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Johnny replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Johnny: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher,
"Put Johnny in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong.
 
I'll always remember my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking that ladder you little b*****d".
 
1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.
 
There was a 104 year old lady on TV yesterday who drinks 4 cans of Dr. Pepper a day.

She said four different doctors had told her it would kill her.

They're all dead now.
 
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.



The 84 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.



The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."



So, on the way home the 84 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.



He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"



She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"



He said, "I want 5 loaves."



She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"



He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this s*** but me."
 
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