The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

[Bobsyeruncle]

They know who they are

View attachment 96451

Is that bottom one a BMW?

 

[praxis]

Just asked Siri,
"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "It will, and don't call me Shirley"
Forgot to take my phone off airplane mode...

 

[john.margetts]

 

[Cobra]

Is that bottom one a BMW?

As I said .....

They know who they are

 

[Gremlin]

 

[Shirleyr]

Just asked Siri,
"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "It will, and don't call me Shirley"
Forgot to take my phone off airplane mode...

Someone call me

 

[Gremlin]

 

[Doc]

 

[Mountkeen]

The local football team I play for have just been sponsored by Wonga

In our pre match talk last week we were told to go out and give 1479%

 

[DorsetDude]

I'm starting a support group for people who have been ripped off by locksmiths.

If anyone needs help, my door is always open.

 

[n0chex]

I bought a U2 Satnav, but found it totally useless - the streets have no names and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
I then got a Bonnie Tyler one. That was just as bad - it was continually telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.
I now use the Fleetwood Mac version and just Go My Own Way.

 

[Cartus]

 

[Cobra]

I then got a Bonnie Tyler one. That was just as bad - it was continually telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

Don't tell me it got you lost in France too
(Yes its been posted a few times )

 

[ianp5a]

I bought a U2 Satnav, but found it totally useless - the streets have no names and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
I then got a Bonnie Tyler one. That was just as bad - it was continually telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.
I now use the Fleetwood Mac version and just Go My Own Way.

Got a Bon Jovi sat nav. Apparently we’re half way there.
Got a John Denver sat nav. It can Take Me Home on Country Roads

 

[Steep]

I got a Dave satnav, it repeats the same road over and over..

 

[ianp5a]

Because we have to leave the ESA and the Ariane space project, the UK is building it's own Mission control, called "The Boris Johnson Space Center".

 

[camerassassin]

 

[Gremlin]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his
father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow
out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to
turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and
were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the
female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach
the shore."

At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
refuse to swallow the seamen."

 

[KMPhoto]

What's the difference between a coffin and a condom?

Both occupied by stiffs, but one is coming while the other is going.

[emoji3]

 

[Farmerjim]

View attachment 96711

 

[Nod]

I must be getting old...




Donuts!!!



THEN Baps!!!


Then mouse.

 

[kendo1]

Whereas;

Baps
Donuts
Mouse

 

[Farmerjim]

I just wondered how long it would take people to see the mouse and whether males were slower than females. Very scientific experiment you see

 

[Doc]

 

[ancient_mariner]

Whereas;

Baps
Donuts
Mouse

My first thought was what do breasts have to do with doughnuts and why is there a skull in the bottom RHcorner? Took ages to spot the mouse.

 

[the black fox]

What mouse ,what doughnuts

 

[ianp5a]

Too much sugar.

 

[Bobsyeruncle]

View attachment 96711

Is that mouse real?
Great tits! Shouldn't they be in the bird section?

 

[Cobra]

Very scientific experiment you see

I must still have my works head on, ( Pest control) Mouse but very closely followed by boobs and then skull.

 

[Nod]

I must still have my works head on, ( Pest control) Mouse but very closely followed by boobs and then skull.

Wot? No donuts?

 

[Cobra]

Wot? No donuts?

No not today they are bad for you, boobs are much better

 

[the black fox]

is today pancake day dunno what to eat first

 

[Bobsyeruncle]

What have boobs and @Angelboy threads got in common?
I know I shouldn't look, but I just can't help myself

 

[ancient_mariner]

is today pancake day dunno what to eat first View attachment 96765

Well she's not going to stay that shape for long, now is she?

 

[ianp5a]

I think she's in a torture chamber.

 

[Skyline]

 

[Doc]

View attachment 96781

 

[Gremlin]

 

[frank]

WOW!!! Only in Edinburgh
Went into The Morrisons garage there. I noticed two policemen watching a woman smoking a cig while she was filling up. I saw her & thought "what an idiot....with the police right there too". I went in to pay and As I was walking out I heard someone screaming. I looked outside & the woman's arm was on fire!!! She was swinging her arm & running around going ballistic!! I rushed outside to help & the police had put her on the ground & were putting the fire out with their coffee's!!! They put handcuffs on her & threw her in the police car. I thought "she shouldn't have been smoking & putting petrol in!! But being the nosey sod I am, I asked them what they were arresting her for? The policeman turned looked at me and said........................................
"WAVING A FIREARM!! "

 

[Cobra]

Isn't that the dog from FB with the rare skin condition, that needs 10,000 "likes" so some kind person will pay for the operation to restore its eyesight?