The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

I can relate to this

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!
 
Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!" , As I grabbed the next doc walking past I said, "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?" He says," no this is the burns unit!

Rabbie Burns Day 2017, happy haggis eating :D
 
Here's a me original from today:

"My wife's just bought me a brand new car! "
"Lucky you!" he said. "You always get the breaks."
"Well no, this one didn't come with brakes. Strangely."
 
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Bad ^ :P
 
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But of course that works both ways Ingrid @Gremlin :p
 
fabs said:
I blame the cooker, it beeped for my attention when I was half way trough posting it. :p
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I'm sure Mrs F doesn't beep! (or use a trough...) :P
 
Nod said:
I'm sure Mrs F doesn't beep! (or use a trough...) :p
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All women should "just" beep to acknowledge instructions, none of this back chatting lark :D
 
Cobra said:
All women should "just" beep to acknowledge instructions, none of this back chatting lark :D
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Even Road Runner went BEEP BEEP :D Just imagine how annoying us females could be doing that ;)
 
Gremlin said:
Even Road Runner went BEEP BEEP :D Just imagine how annoying us females could be doing that ;)
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As long as you move as fast as the RR, doing the dinner / housework / etc.
I could live with it :p
 
Cobra said:
As long as you move as fast as the RR, doing the dinner / housework / etc.
I could live with it :p
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That wan't an offer :p:exit:
 
I rather doubt that THAT was on offer either!
 
Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No. I told her I was 90."
 
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