The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

And my willie was in the Guinness book of records. And that's how I got banned from the library.
 
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When you're standing naked looking in the fulll length mirror at your post christmas beer gut and a tadger that looks like pinocchio has joined the taliban the last thing you want to hear is "Security to aisle three! Security to aisle three!" in B&Q
 
Cobra said:
His name was Ernie, .... and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west :D
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He said - do you want it pasturised 'cos pasturised is best
She said Ernie I'd be happy if it came up to me chest
and that tickled old ernie....
 
I went to the doctor and said "I've hurt my arm in three places."
He said "Well don't go to those places."
 
Well in that case:

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That
hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
 
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I backed a horse today, 20 to 1... came in at 20 past 4. He was so late coming in, he had to tip-toe back to the stables. The Jockey kept hitting him with the whip and the horse said to him "what are you doing that for, there's nobody behind us.

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gm43uk said:
I went to the doctor and said "I've hurt my arm in three places."
He said "Well don't go to those places."
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ianp5a said:
Well in that case:

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That
hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
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Skyline said:
I backed a horse today, 20 to 1... came in at 20 past 4. He was so late coming in, he had to tip-toe back to the stables. The Jockey kept hitting him with the whip and the horse said to him "what are you doing that for, there's nobody behind us.

arts-graphics-2003_1141408a.jpg
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Is there time for more ?
 
Been summoned into the bosses office. He says I have respect in the workplace issues.
But like I said to him "Like f**k! Don't be a c**t all your life!"
 
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Farmerjim said:
There's a nudist convention in town next week.

I might go if I have nothing on.:p
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Congrats you win the first corny joke of 2017 award :thumbs:
:p
 
A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant mortician.
 
Doc said:
A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant mortician.
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was that after he was a vet last week :banana::banana::banana::banana:
 
He'll f*** anything!
 
I'm sure there's a very appropriate line in Stairway to Heaven.
 
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