The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Not too many people will know this but quite a few years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my mrs when my housemate Joe barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joe all that well, don't even remember where he said he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joe had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months to stop infection and was told he would have to wear one for a good while. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
 
I love the time just before Christmas .. it's the only time of the year I can slam the lid of my laptop shut when the wife walks in the room without her giving me a look of disgust.
 
You'd (probably!) feel SOOOOOOOOoooooooooo bad if...
 
Nod said:
You'd (probably!) feel SOOOOOOOOoooooooooo bad if...
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I have no emotions snakes are cold blooded remember.
 
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A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
 
Cobra said:
Doesn't matter how many times that gets posted, it still makes me chuckle :)
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What he said. :D
(It's because you sympathise with Clark's Bacon woes, isn't it? ;) )
 
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A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

...
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'
 
For those wishing to know how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping. :)
 
Really fed up with all these new years sales. Went to Selfridges and they don't sell fridges. Went to Currys and they don't sell curries. Went to Boots and they don't sell boots. I wasn't very impressed with the Virgin Megastore either.
 
Steep said:
Really fed up with all these new years sales. Went to Selfridges and they don't sell fridges. Went to Currys and they don't sell curries. Went to Boots and they don't sell boots. I wasn't very impressed with the Virgin Megastore either.
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Should've gone to specsavers :)
 
Steep said:
Really fed up with all these new years sales. Went to Selfridges and they don't sell fridges. Went to Currys and they don't sell curries. Went to Boots and they don't sell boots. I wasn't very impressed with the Virgin Megastore either.
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Stay away from B&Q, last time I went there one of the assistants threatened me. They asked if I wanted decking. Luckily I hit him first.
 
When people were saying what is this B&Q they joke about??
 
And just to elaborate on that old joke...

My girlfriend was leaning over the freezer reaching for something for Sunday dinner, God, she looked so damned sexy in the short skirt and stockings,
I just had to take her right there .....
That's how I got banned from Tesco.

I found a small hole in my trainer the other day, just large enough to get my middle finger in,
That's how I got banned from the health club.

I was at the night club new years eve.
The DJ played "Shout" so we all shouted
The DJ Played "Jump" so we all jumped
The DJ Played "come on Eileen"
That's how I got banned from the night club.
 
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