The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Brendan Mulachy said:
tesco raising the bar on customer service to a new high

12360085_10153339566249227_5549104143571405022_n.jpg
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Well, "every little helps"

[emoji3]
 
Cobra said:
Well you know what they say every little helps :D
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Thought it said " ..every little elf's...", I was waiting for the punch-line. Ha ha, good post, I fell for it!
 
A Seasonal Recipe: Internet Forum Compote


Method


Take your beef, add one strong opinion, some half-baked ideas, a cup of prejudice and a few grains of truth.

Sift out any sage advice but don’t mince your words.

Remove and reserve context from the prepared quotes, mix thoroughly and season with wild conjecture.

Fill a fresh post with a generous helping of the resulting concoction on a salty bed of assertion, drizzle with pi$$ & vinegar and place in an open forum to ferment.

Simmer impotently until all common sense has evaporated, then stir vigorously until heated discussion boils over into bitterness and recrimination.

WARNING: The addition of alcohol to this mixture may cause overindulgence and result in feelings of nausea and disgust.
 
I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat guy with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.
 
Drink Driving Warning

This is a warning to be careful about drink driving around Christmas period.

Last night I was out for a works do. One thing lead to another and I had way too many pints, and to top it off , quite a few Jaeger bombs... not a good idea !!

Knowing I was over the limit, I did something that I have not done before... I left my car in town and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police check point where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on a bus they waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident - which was a real surprise. I've never driven a bus before. I'm jiggered if I knew where got it from or what I'm gonna do with it now I have it!
 
The Three Wise Men arrived to visit the Child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph. "It's better than Dave."
 
A very sad day today.

After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of all that training and money.

A genuinely nice guy and an excellent vet.
 
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"


"Morris Feinberg," he replied.


"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" she asked.

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"


"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."


"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."


"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."


"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."


And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".


"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"


"Like I'm talking to a Brick wall!"
 
I've had enough of Christmas.
All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning?
That fat fecker with the beard gets all the credit for it!
Still I suppose it's my own fault for marrying her.
 
Steep said:
I've had enough of Christmas.
All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning?
That fat fecker with the beard gets all the credit for it!
Still I suppose it's my own fault for marrying her.
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I refer the Right Honourable Person to post 2257...
 
kendo1 said:
I refer the Right Honourable Person to post 2257...
Click to expand...

:p I work on the principle that if I haven't read it, it hasn't been posted!

That said... try this..

Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could.
Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best stuff, but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.

I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office.
 
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*groan*
 
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