The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea ? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine ?"
Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says
"I have four questions. My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea ? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine ? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"
 
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasc...ulation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"
 
Yep I've got one, the bloody thing keeps getting me lost in France :(
 
Instagram-Halloween-level-expert-b9d4ee.png
 
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Why I Like Retirement !

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday



Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.



Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.



Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.



Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Ans wer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.



Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal ........


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.




And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
 
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
 
I'll just leave this here.

shepherdtank.jpg
 
Don't be silly, it's obviously a fishdog.
 
OMG they have only ruined that aquarium



























plastic plants ,bloody amateurs
 
Looks like a German fishherd to me.
 
It's a snapper.
 
Definition of political correctness

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and

promoted by mainstream media which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible

to pick up a piece of sh1t by the clean end."
 
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife
look like she's moving during sex.


I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.


The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
 
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says,
'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession:
Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years!
I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our se x life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales. . .'
 
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm
> wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is
> going to shift this beer belly.


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
 
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