The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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TED FOR PRESIDENT!
 
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News of the Brangelina split is devastating, say the people of Allepo.
 
Told the Mrs to go to the doctors as i was sure she was developing Tourettes.

I was wrong .. apparently i am a big fat lazy C**t !
 
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little s*** is adorable.
 
I always wondered* what the secret recipe for the coating was.... :puke:


*never wondered
 
Mountkeen said:
How many Labour shadow cabinets does it take to change a light bulb?

Dunno light bulbs tend to last longer
Click to expand...

Here's a few from " The Jeremy Corbyn Joke Book"
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What have One Direction and the Labour Party got in common?
They’re both splitting up in October.

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Two men walked into a bar and held the next meeting of the shadow cabinet.

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A Marxist, a Marxist-Leninist and a Marxist-Leninist-Maoist walked into a bar.
It’s wonderful to see such variety at this year’s conference.

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Knock knock
Who’s there?
Doctor
Doctor Who?
That’s right. Cuts to NHS funding WILL lead to fewer doctors.

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I'm going to try out some comedy on this train journey.

Stand up?

No thanks, I'll sit on the floor.

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Two nuns in the bath and one says "where's the soap".

A shocking example of overcrowding and lack of basic supplies caused by Tory NHS cuts.


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Have you had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? you could be entitled to compensation!

Call the Pro Claimers now!
 
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