The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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On this day in 2056 - Mick Jagger becomes a father again at the age of 112. The singer already has thirty-four children, whose ages range from 3 to 85, and became a great, great, great, grandfather in 2054. The Rolling Stone’s girlfriend is 23year old photographer Natalia Trimarchi.
mick.jpg
 
Cobra said:
Thats as bad as what do you call a stag with no eyes?
No idea.

or

what do you call a deaf Donkey?

You can call him what you like, he aint gonna hear you.
Click to expand...


Yep just as bad, but my silly kind of humour...I think it's the dogs face that makes me laugh on these though
 
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.

What do you call a dinosaur with no ears?
Doyouthinkhesawus?
 
13567228_1071792792917294_6342034620472198252_n.jpg
 
At the gym yesterday I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to get my finger in....


....anyway she's filed a formal complaint with the police and my membership has been cancelled.
 
DavieW said:
At the gym yesterday I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to get my finger in....


....anyway she's filed a formal complaint with the police and my membership has been cancelled.
Click to expand...


And now the police are looking into it? :whistling: :coat:
 
Another excuse to visit your favourite A&E nurse?
 
A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”

The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”

“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull-sh*ttin’ me!”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well.. You started it…
 
A woman has sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment her husband had lost interest in sex...the doctors replied "All we did was correct his eyesight"
 
God's plan for aging
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
 
I came home early from work only to find my best mate in bed with my missus.
Overcome by anger, I grabbed a knife and stabbed him to death.
The missus, shook her head, looked at me and said, " Keep that up and, pretty soon, you'll have no mates left."
 
A married couple are in the pub and a big Irish guy keeps leering at the wife and winking at her. She feels really uncomfortable and tells her husband, but he doesn't do anything. Suddenly the Irishman gets up, saunters over and says to the wife

"Bejaysus, you're a fine looking woman so you are. I'd like to tip you upside down, fill your f*nny full of Guiness and drink it all out of you!"

He wanders back to his table and grins at her.

"Malcolm" the wife says "why didn't you defend my honour? Go over to that rude man immediately and punch him!"

"B*gger that" says the husband. "I'm not punching anyone who can drink 12 pints of Guiness in one go".
 
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