The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

I just asked my German friend if he knew what a stitch in time saves.

He said no.
 
While on a flight, a politician was seated next to a little girl who was quietly reading her book.

The politician turned to the little girl and asked, 'Do you want to chat? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.'

The little girl put her book down on her lap and said, 'What do you want to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the politician.

'How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?' he continued, smiling smugly.

'Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first,' she started. 'A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff
Yet a deer poops little pellets, while a cow makes a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you think that is?' She asked.

The politician, surprised by the question and the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmm, I have no idea!'

The little girl picked up her book and opens it to the page she left off at.
'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy when you don't know s***, sir?' She asked and went back to reading her book
 
Yeah I know, pretty tasteless but I honestly don't like them :)

13566913_1328126303885172_8398146090882996740_n.jpg
 
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a
high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is this.
You will spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet
him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and
we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great
time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning..

Today you voted.
 
Aberdeenshire phone.

scotsphone.jpg
 
Is it a bird or a rabbit ski jumping??

rabbit skis.jpg
 
It's either Roger or Bugs - both rabbits. It's so obviously drawn in/composited and I can't think of any cartoon hares!!! :P
 
simon ess said:
I saw a hare earlier this year.

Big buggers aren't they.

I didn't realise.
Click to expand...
And you wanna see them run when they have a red tailed hawk on their tail, they don't half shift :D
 
Mrs Nod tried to hit me for that one!
 
I'd squeak it :)
 
... Barney McGrew
 
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