The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

*groan*
 
It looks like somebody has discovered a stash of Tim Vine jokes.....
 
As fathers day approaches, here is a sobering thought...

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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh** on the seat.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
 
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An aeroplane was about to crash; there were five passengers on board but only four parachutes.

The first passenger Holly Madison said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to die." She took the first parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger John McCain said, "I'm a senator and a decorated war hero from an elite navy unit in the United States of America." He grabbed the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am going to be the next president of the United States, I am the smartest man in our country and I will make America great again." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham, said to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr Graham. There's a parachute left for you. The smartest man in America took my schoolbag."
 
A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he he had a penis like a baby.
If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.
On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes.
One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?"

The girl said: "You told me you had a penis like a baby!"

The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."
 
NSFW it's got a naughty word in it.

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Last edited:
'Bankers'

There, I said it!
 
How to freak people out,
Lesson 32 ..........

  1. Have a child.
  2. Never mention it on Facebook or any social media.
  3. Dress the child in Victorian clothes and have him/her stand in the background of all your photographs.
 
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I'm thinking of starting up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.

I just need help getting it off the ground.

-

The Mrs said to me while she was cooking dinner, "Why don't you do something useful?!"
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

-

I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70s.

Worst prostate exam ever.
 
Just entered a moustache of the year competition and came second. My own fault for letting the mrs come along.

-

I put a gun to my wifes head at breakfast this morning and said "Any last words?"
Ive decided I'm going to pull the trigger after dinner anyway!
 
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