scottishguy
Suspended / Banned
- Messages
- 1,100
- Name
- Keith
- Edit My Images
- No
and the site receives a small commission
The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
- Thread starter Cobra
- Start date
OP
- Messages
- 114,434
- Name
- The real Chris
- Edit My Images
- No
The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new labourer one day and barked at him:
"What's your name?"
"John." The new bloke replied.
The Forman scowled. "Look, i don't know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were on before,
but I don't call anyone by their first name. It's weak and wastes time. I call my
employees by their last name only Smith, Jones, Baker, that's all. If I want a job done, I yell, Baker, get this or
Jones, do that. Now that we have that straight, what's your last name?"
The new bloke sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling."
The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly...
"Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is.....!"
"What's your name?"
"John." The new bloke replied.
The Forman scowled. "Look, i don't know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were on before,
but I don't call anyone by their first name. It's weak and wastes time. I call my
employees by their last name only Smith, Jones, Baker, that's all. If I want a job done, I yell, Baker, get this or
Jones, do that. Now that we have that straight, what's your last name?"
The new bloke sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling."
The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly...
"Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is.....!"
mstphoto
Suspended / Banned
- Messages
- 5,755
- Name
- Mike
- Edit My Images
- Yes
ancient_mariner
Moderator
- Messages
- 27,780
- Name
- Toni
- Edit My Images
- No
ancient_mariner
Moderator
- Messages
- 27,780
- Name
- Toni
- Edit My Images
- No
OP
- Messages
- 114,434
- Name
- The real Chris
- Edit My Images
- No
Tis true.
Brendan Mulachy
Suspended / Banned
- Messages
- 2,139
- Name
- dave
- Edit My Images
- Yes
- Messages
- 49,339
- Name
- Nod (UK)
- Edit My Images
- Yes
Oh, the sexual life of the camel
Is stranger than anyone thinks.
In moments of amorous passion,
He frequently bu****s the Sphinx.
But the Sphinx's posterior passage
Is clogged with the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the camel,
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.
Is stranger than anyone thinks.
In moments of amorous passion,
He frequently bu****s the Sphinx.
But the Sphinx's posterior passage
Is clogged with the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the camel,
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.
D
Deleted member 68495
Guest
Ah, Rugby Songs, I remember them well. Four and Twenty Virgins, The Ballad of Eskimo Nell...
And here are the lyrics to a whole load more, including the above reference to the Sphinx:
Rugby Songs
Viewer discretion is advised.
And here are the lyrics to a whole load more, including the above reference to the Sphinx:
Rugby Songs
Viewer discretion is advised.
Last edited by a moderator:
- Messages
- 10,200
- Name
- Brian
- Edit My Images
- Yes
If you like rugby songs look up Kevin (bloody) Wilson.
D
Deleted member 68495
Guest
Santa Claus, you silly, forgetful pudding, you have neglected to present me with my anticipated velocipede.
- Messages
- 17,791
- Name
- Ingrid
- Edit My Images
- No
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
mstphoto
Suspended / Banned
- Messages
- 5,755
- Name
- Mike
- Edit My Images
- Yes
As I turned the ripe old age of 66 yesterday, I am now officially a pensioner!! 
DIO by Mike Stephen, on Flickr
DIO by Mike Stephen, on Flickr
G.K.Jnr.
Suspended / Banned
- Messages
- 34,213
- Name
- George.
- Edit My Images
- No
A film crew was filming in the highlands in Scotland when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by and said, "Tomorrow rain," and hobbled on. Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past and said, "Tomorrow sunshine." It was indeed a fine sunny day the next day. The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be. But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy and said, "Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up?" "Radio broken," the old man replied.