The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

I'd write the fiver off to experience and refuse delivery...
 
I don't always point out incorrect grammar in posts but when I do, I spend 5 minutes checking my response to confirm that it is correct but I still end up getting somethign wrong.
 
A Norwegian sign...

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Divorce Photographer Emergency vehicle. Do not park in front of gate.
 
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
 
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father; 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.'
 
According to a news report, a certain private school just outside London was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the toilets. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the caretaker would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the headmistress decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls into the toilets and met them there with the caretaker. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the caretaker who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the caretaker to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and then cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers . . . and then there are educators.
 
Scientists Discover New Element

The new element has been named: "Governmentium (Gv)"Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of five years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (Am) - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. This decays into a permanent stable element called: Bureaucratium.

It can never be destroyed.
 
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Sky said:
Scientists Discover New Element

The new element has been named: "Governmentium (Gv)"Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of five years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (Am) - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. This decays into a permanent stable element called: Bureaucratium.

It can never be destroyed.
Click to expand...

At last I understand the reason while the civil service is so incredibly inefficient.
 
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Sky said:
Scientists Discover New Element

The new element has been named: "Governmentium (Gv)"Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of five years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (Am) - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. This decays into a permanent stable element called: Bureaucratium.

It can never be destroyed.
Click to expand...
Sadly there's nothing positive about Governmentium. Every other element needs the right ratio range of protons to neutrons, but Governmentium only interacts occasionally with electrons which is the main cause of it's 5 yearly reorganisations.

Scientists (and others) the world over are desperately hoping to find a use for Governmentium, but hopes are fading.
 
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Bobsyeruncle said:
You don't think drilling her from behind is disrespectful? :LOL: :exit:
Click to expand...


Drilling her from the front could be disrespectful to her va..... (I'd better leave it there...)

Maybe I should start collecting eurocents - they're even less valuable (at the moment!)
 
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