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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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kennethwfd
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- ken
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G.K.Jnr.
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- George.
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My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said with a note of concern. “His cardiologist just died.”
“Yes,” she said with a note of concern. “His cardiologist just died.”
Kiwi Paul
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Teenager Johnny arrives home in the wee hours and his dad is still up.
He says "your looking very happy Johnny did you have a good night?"
Johnny says, " It was amazing dad, I had sex for the first time!!!"
"Well done my son" says Dad, "you left here a boy and now your a man, tell me how was it?"
" It was great, I never knew it would feel so good, I really enjoyed it"
"That's great son I'm so pleased for you"
"There's only one thing Dad"
"What's that son?"
"My arse is killing me!"
He says "your looking very happy Johnny did you have a good night?"
Johnny says, " It was amazing dad, I had sex for the first time!!!"
"Well done my son" says Dad, "you left here a boy and now your a man, tell me how was it?"
" It was great, I never knew it would feel so good, I really enjoyed it"
"That's great son I'm so pleased for you"
"There's only one thing Dad"
"What's that son?"
"My arse is killing me!"
OP
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- The real Chris
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A couple of days ago I passed a homeless man asking for donations.
I pulled out a £50 note and asked "If I give you this money, will you spend it on alcohol?"
"Absolutely not, I gave up drinking years ago" he replied.
"Will you spend it on fishing gear? I continued.
"Certainly not, I've stopped fishing since I've been homeless" he pleaded.
"Will you spend it on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"I've gave up hunting when I moved to the city" he confessed.
"Well then.... I am not going to give you money,
I am going to take you home with me where you can shower and sit down to a delicious home cooked meal that my wife has cooked" I told him.
"Won't she be angry with you?" he inquired.
"Not important" I replied
"What is important is that she sees what happens to a man that gives up drinking, fishing and hunting!"
I pulled out a £50 note and asked "If I give you this money, will you spend it on alcohol?"
"Absolutely not, I gave up drinking years ago" he replied.
"Will you spend it on fishing gear? I continued.
"Certainly not, I've stopped fishing since I've been homeless" he pleaded.
"Will you spend it on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"I've gave up hunting when I moved to the city" he confessed.
"Well then.... I am not going to give you money,
I am going to take you home with me where you can shower and sit down to a delicious home cooked meal that my wife has cooked" I told him.
"Won't she be angry with you?" he inquired.
"Not important" I replied
"What is important is that she sees what happens to a man that gives up drinking, fishing and hunting!"
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No, it was the Russian reporter, Ivor Bollokoff
I know his brother, Kikka.
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- Nod (UK)
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No, it was the Russian reporter, Ivor Bollokoff
[true]I refer to the doctor who did my vasectomy as Dr Bolokov![/true]
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- Ingrid
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started in on him about 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'........and on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the continued sarcastic and nagging remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started in on him about 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'........and on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the continued sarcastic and nagging remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
scottishguy
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- Keith
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saltireblue
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Groan Of The Day Award to that man...