The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Sshhhhhh :banana::banana:
 
On the 12th day of Facebook. Facebook gave to me 12, pouters pouting, 11, pokers poking, 10 hates hating, 9, people i'm blocking, 8, attention seekers, 7, stalkers stalking, 6, invitations, Five, drama queens, 4, game requests, 3, photo tags, 2, friends requests & a bitch who wont stop in-boxing me....
 
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There were four avid fishermen,but when the latest trip was arranged, Ron's partner put her foot down. No way was he coming - and she made him tell that to the others.

But when they arrived at the lake, there he was. "How did you do it?" they asked.

"Well, she watched Fifty Shades of Grey, and invited me into the bedroom which now had ropes and handcuffs. She told me to tie her up, then laid back and said "Do whatever you want

So, here I am!"
 
I had a phone call from my son's school today.

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
__________________
 
I went to a new nighlub last week.
They played the twist so I did the twist.
They played jump around so I jumped around.
They played come on Eileen and I was dragged out by the bouncers.
 
From FB:
I Can Take A Hint!
The Memsahib is always saying,"That toilet brush hasn't got my name on it you know!"
Never let it be said I do not listen. I am having her name engraved on a brand new brush for Christmas.
I know, I spoil her too much but I'm just that kind of guy.
 
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."
 
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Nothing special, just a woman parking an Automatic!!..
 
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