That moment when there is no toilet paper

MWHCVT said:
I got two out the freebies section, one for each of my arse cheeks ;) I painted them barbie pink,
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Pink is an excellent choice IMO :thumbs:
Although for what use they are I personally would strap one to
each foot and use them as roller skates :D
 
joescrivens said:
Had one of these today. Sat down for a relaxing poo and once finished realised I had not double checked the toliet roll holder before I sat down.

A token slither was all the remained. Not only that but the cupboard that keeps the normal supply was also empty :bonk:

Nothing left to do but wander over on my hands and knees to the airing cupboard for a new roll

Hate it when that happens
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...and that is why you always do your Preflight Checks.:nono:
 
Hmmm well its no fun when the carer forgets to leave the bog roll over the commode side of the bed... but my ultimate experience was the following.. all true I'm afraid


Agent piccolax has a friend and its called... Thornton's diabetic chocolates.

Some will remember my post on agent Picolax's legendary bowl emptying powers, well I had a visit from its friend today.

My darling niece decided to buy uncle a couple of small bags of Thorntons diabetic chocolates for his birthday, I thought at the time how sweet it was for her to think and make the effort to get something I could eat.

Well after a bit of a celebration yesterday and a room full of family messing around and having a laugh (don't ask about the grape!) I was finally left on my own late last night feeling worn out and distinctly peckish.

I picked up the bag of chocolates and read the label, hmm fine for diabetics, no added sugar, but nothing about Krakatoa's cousin residing within, just a little note that for those not used to it, the sweetner used can have a mild laxative effect.....

MILD!!??? who the hell tests this stuff, they must have a ring the size of the Dartford tunnel!! ...

I of course quaffed the whole packet as it was only tiny, and followed it with another, nice, a slight after-taste, but nice all the same.

I stayed up till dawn then slipped off into a nice gentle slumber until 2pm this afternoon, when I woke on feeling the bed moving and hearing a terrible noise, I thought it was an earthquake, but.... it wasn't... it was my 'arris.. blowing about a 12.5 on the sphincter scale!!

I chuckled to myself (as you do on giving birth to something on that volume scale) but just as I finished chuckling I felt that familiar gripping sensation and recoiled slightly as another rent the air.

This was to become a familiar pattern over the next 8 hours as around every minute the behemoth my arris had become erupted in full voice.

20 mins in, the dog legged it, 40 mins in I had to open all the windows, 1 hr in and I cant remember whether I threw the duvet off myself or blew the damn thing off!!

By 6pm I knew I couldn't risk eating anything and the carer was alternately laughing herself silly and running to get out of the blast radius!.

My brother turned up and very quickly left saying he would come back "when you've tamed that b****r".

Sadly just after the carer left the inevitable happened and with me hanging onto the bedsheets for dear life another explosion that felt like it was going to send my prostate to Holland the quick way, ripped through the air to my cry of "oh crap" and then I did.. all over the damn bed..thus was to begin Phase two..

Phase one had obviously been to try and blow anything and everything either within me or a 10ft radius of my dangerous end, to hell and probably back again.

Phase two was wring the b****r dry and destroy the commode..

I have never been on and off the damn thing so much in my life, if I had gaffa tape I would have cut out the middle man and just stuck the ruddy thing to my arris and had done with it..

by 7pm I was out of bog roll, by 8pm the towels where used up and I was on the phone to mummy..." for gods sake help me... and bring a cork.. a ruddy big one.." another griping pain hit me and as I threw myself at the remains of the commode... I exploded mid air.. the dog snarled and growled at me and as I landed with more of a horrible squelch than I thud, I just gave up and collapsed forward onto the bed.

20 mins later that's where I was found, to weak and battered to get up again.

Luckily things have calmed somewhat over the last couple of hours, I had drunk plenty of water during its assault and after eating a small meal silence has once again returned.

I still feel like I've done 20 rounds with mike tyson plus Mandy's "bunker buster" butt plug,and I'm sure I no longer have a prostate problem, in fact I'm not sure I still have a prostate!!

I'm now trying to build up the strength in my arms and hands so I can strangle the niece tomorrow!!
 
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Seriously laughing out loud - might have something to do with my vivid imagination based on your descriptive narratives.
 
We have asked vb to create a new plugin for the forum that allows us to filter Joe's new threads and only allow one toilet related thread per year. For the rest of his crap, we are thinking of a completely new forum - TalkintheToilet.co.uk :D
 
There is a simpler answer Yv...

Ian, if you're a chocaholic but don't get on with (master of the understatement, me!!!) diabetic varieties, have a go at Hotel Chocolat's 70% or stronger raanges - diabetic safe and no unwanted after effects!
 
Yv said:
We have asked vb to create a new plugin for the forum that allows us to filter Joe's new threads and only allow one toilet related thread per year. For the rest of his crap, we are thinking of a completely new forum - TalkintheToilet.co.uk :D
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Surely nice and simple talkscrap.co.uk is far more appropriate hell it works on two levels :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
Personally I think once and that's it. Not once a year ;)
 
Yv said:
ohhh... you know we could merge ALL the toilet threads he has started and call it the Joe Scrivens Memorial Crapfest
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A festival. Sounds like a treat. Who would headline?
 
Keeping an eye over my shoulder in case Yv has a hitman out for me
 
joescrivens said:
A festival. Sounds like a treat. Who would headline?
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The Three Doners (featuring Luciano Pavlova and José Caramel)
The Spice Bhunas
Tikka That (Indian Tribute Act)
Phish (with guest vocalist Fish from Marillion)
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Meatloaf
Black Eyed Peas
Salt N Peppa
Tina Tuna
Smashing Pumpkins
Hot Chocolate
Ice T
Cream


Sponsored by Armitage Shanks
 
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I would use the 17YO bullet what's rather good at kicking!

BTW, who deserves the beer?
 
Yv, you're the same height as me and I can manage a good chest and head shot on the range :D
 
Hard to guarantee a brain shot given the target species though Kelly!
 
kelack said:
Yv, you're the same height as me and I can manage a good chest and head shot on the range :D
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:eek: have you be shooting this afternoon, just seen the jailer has been in action again :lol:
 
Nod said:
Hard to guarantee a brain shot given the target species though Kelly!
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I live in a farming village.....enough said :D
 
If you can hit a rat's brain...
 
Bluehawk said:
A mate tells the story of when a lunchtime drink got a bit out of hand, and he ended up the worse for wear. He had to get to Victoria Railway Stn for his train home. On the way, staggering along Victoria St he lost control of his bowels and soiled his underpants and trousers. Smelling like a vagrant he nipped into a clothes shop, wondering why the staff and customers were giving him a wide berth, picked up a pair of denim jeans and walked out with his purchase. He managed to get on his train just as it was leaving the platform, and locked himself into the toilet. He threw his rotten underpants and trousers out of the train window and managed to clean himself up a bit. Unfortunately, on opening his bag, and trying to work out what he trying to put on, he realised that in his haste he had bought a Denim Jacket.
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http://www.snopes.com/love/dating/pants.asp

Knew Id heard it before somewhere.
 
I assume everyone has read the 'Agent Picolax' story, whenever I'm feeling a bit down I often read that just to boost my moral.

There's a thread of 'crapping stories' on one of the footy forum I'm on, most of them I can't copy and paste here for fear of the banhammer...however I'll test my luck with this one.

On a lovely sumer's day out with my then girlfriend to a garden centre just outside Falkirk, where we had enjoyed a lovely homecooked lunch, we proceeded to the outside bit of the garden centre to purchase plants and pots.

Unfortunately, my metabolism was working far too quickly that day, and as we stepped outside I had the urge to break wind. It was noisy enough and outdoors, so I decided to let it rip, only to be horrified that it wasn't wind, it was the real stuff.

It is important at this point that I mention that I was On-Call at work that particular day. Just after giving birth to a ten pound otter in my trousers, my pager went off, with one of my mental health patients threatening to kill himself.

Imagine the scenario :

I have just **** in my pants, and am now faced with a life and death situation with a very unstable mental health patient who lived in Livingston.

I said to the patient, "Give me an hour", I then had to explain to my girlfriend what had happened, including that I had **** my pants, and needed to go home to change and then she would have to drive me to Livingston to perhaps save somebody's life.

I sat sideways in the car on the way back to my home in Linlithgow, but by the time I had got back I had set.

It was like concrete. I had to chisel off my jeans and underwear, and use metal soap pads to clean my arse.

The story had a happy ending, I cleaned all the **** off myself, my girlfriend was laughing too much to finish with me, and the mental health patient lived, despite cutting his stomach open and having to go to hospital.

Nightmare.
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