Who would be the best person to talk to?

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Dale_tem

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Dale
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I need someone to talk to, but I don't know who.

I have various stresses and worries and also an attitude to life I want to change. It mainly involves work stresses, too much to do, too little time, need to spend time with kids, feeling guilty when I'm not working etc. etc. My wife is very good at listening, but I think I need more than someone listening. I am the boss at work so no one there I can talk to and my friends either fall into 2 groups - they can relate but have their own problems or they won't understand my point of view/concerns.

It's not really serious, but I keep coming back to the same feelings/thoughts and want to move on.

Is it a psychotherapist I should have talk to or is there someone more suitable?

I'm in north Hampshire area if anyone has local recommendations.
 
Make a double appointment with your gp in the first instance, it'll need that at least.

They should be able to at least point you in the right direction, don't bottle it up however trivial you might think it is.
 
Speak to your Gp and see if your area has an IAPT service ( improving access to psychological therapies) I'm sure they can help.
 
therapist and the likes actually make things worse
and they will fleece you
i would try alternative things like yoga and meditation
also get a piece of paper draw a circle and do a pros and cons list
you have the awnsers
Good luck with the adjustments it just means your a normal human being wanting to better yourself
 
Ladybird12345 said:
therapist and the likes actually make things worse
and they will fleece you
i would try alternative things like yoga and meditation
also get a piece of paper draw a circle and do a pros and cons list
you have the awnsers
Good luck with the adjustments it just means your a normal human being wanting to better yourself
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I don't necessarily agree that therapists make things worse, it would depend on the individual and their responses. Counselling can be very beneficial in certain circumstances, Dale in his post says he needs someone to talk to, a counsellor would be an obvious choice.
I agree with what has been suggested, make an appt. with your GP and talk with him/her, they should be able to point you in the right direction.
 
I'd second the above thoughts but add the possibilities of an Occupational Therapist. My daughter is qualifying as one, and I've learned over the years she has been doing her degree course (Yes, me too!) that they are trained to help people with life issues and problems, and help them deal with life in maybe a slightly different way.
 
agreed about the GP - but -- QUESTION WHAT HE TELLS YOU

my GP was on holiday when I finally made an appointment about my mild depression of many years
his locum was only to bloody quick to dish out the 'pills'

which left me a bit of a Zombie - sleeping most of the day
my 'real' GP soon got me off that.!......and onto a controlled 6month program of Citalopram

but - now i canna sleep at night - hence 4:30AM - but at least I'm feeling much better....:banana:..:LOL:
 
Ladybird12345 said:
therapist and the likes actually make things worse
and they will fleece you
i would try alternative things like yoga and meditation
also get a piece of paper draw a circle and do a pros and cons list
you have the awnsers
Good luck with the adjustments it just means your a normal human being wanting to better yourself
Click to expand...

What absolutely terrible and dangerous advice to someone in need. You talk about therapists like they're some sort of gypsy fortune teller fleecing money. They are highly trained professionals. It's takes years to be accredited and continuing monthly personal supervision for your whole career.
 
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You're GP can point you to a approved councillor you might have to wait a while though. They might just want to give you antidepressants though so push them.

I think Samaritans can help in the meantime.

If you decide to see a councillor privately check the BACP website for accredited councillors.

In the long term though it's sounds like you have some big decisions to make regarding your career.
 
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rjbell said:
What absolutely terrible and dangerous advice to someone in need. You talk about therapists like they're somr sort of gypsy fortune teller fleecing money. They are highly trained professionals. It's takes years to be accredited and continuing monthly personal supervision for your whole career.
Click to expand...
I agree with Robert; dreadful advice. I had some issues i struggled with and I decided to try a counsellor. Best thing I ever did. I also, once I knew what was going in with me, went to a hypnotherapist who helped me reboot some stuff. So, start with a counsellor, I would say. I am not in your area so can't make a recommendation.
 
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I would also say speak to your Doctor and insist on getting referred to some kind of counselling. I went through what your feeling for years and finally a best friend who I haven't seen in a long time told me I had changed. I went and got some help and ended up on Citalopram like another member.
Don't sit and feel ashamed or shy in telling your GP you aren't the only one who todays high pressure isn't doing them any good. If its work problems then take some time to ask yourself what really matters, I can tell you that I needed family and friends most. I actually took voluntary redundancy last year after 29 years in the same job. Best thing I ever did. Maybe not the best for you but I took back control of my life. seek out in your thoughts what you need to get life back in balance, discuss it with your wife and GP. Good luck and remember life IS to short to sit and get yourself in a pickle.
 
As everyone else has said start with your GP. Ignore the poor advice about them making things worse, they're highly trained professionals. As well as suggesting/arranging for you to see an NHS councillor (which may take time) they'll also be aware of people practising private locally. If you're able to do this (and I did a few years ago, despite it stretching me) then it's worth thinking about that route.

Good luck with it and I do hope it works out
 
Start with the GP, but be aware that the NHS only offers a very limited range of options for this type of thing. You still need to ask about other alternative forms of counselling.

Being the boss of your own business can be very lonely, all the decisions are yours, everyone's looking to your for the answers and you don't always have the time to think. If business worries are party of the problem, have you considered a mentor? www.mentorsme.co.uk has a lot of people that can help and the first two discussions are usually free.
 
Whilst you're looking into this it might be worth trying some mindfulness techniques - the "Headspace" app for smartphone is good and free for the introductory part. Simple breathing techniques etc that help you with not focussing on worries etc.
 
I had a similar thing trying to get the work life balance right. I was fortunate to have some good family and friends to talk too. But in the end it was a sit down with my boss that eventually got things sorted. He could see my work was suffering, he was also aware I was looking after more units than anyone else. So he reshuffled the department and spread the units out more evenly.
Seeing your doctor and trying to get some sort of therapy will help, but unless your workload changes or you find a better way to manage your time the issue will not be resolved.
 
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Please see your GP (Double appointment as suggested.) I was in a very similar situation a few years ago and the very action of "Taking control of the situation" put me well on the road to recovery. It sounds as though you're at the "Taking Control" stage now.
 
Starting with your GP is clearly the best first step, but take LOADS of encouragement from the fact you've recognised the issues and that you need to take steps to get better. Unfortunately with these kinds of problems, people often don't realise there is a problem. I remember someone at a presentation on mental illnesses saying that it is impossible for a person to 'think' themselves better and solve the problems themselves. You need to have external help and guidance. Best of luck.
 
Some very good advice here Dale.

You have made the first step by recognising the fact that all is not good with you which is a good start. There is lots of help out there and it can feel daunting when your heads in turmoil and you don't know which way to turn. Be assured, you are not alone in this, many of us go through similar episodes in our lives and just need some reassurance and guidance in learning coping strategies. ( I am a retired mental health nurse) Your GP will have access to NHS registered counsellors ( waiting lists can be long) If you are in a position to pay for this service then again your GP should be able to recommend someone to you.

Remember, the first step is the hardest and you have accomplished that:)

Maggie
 
Personally before heading to the GP I would sit down with your wife and have a good long chat with her and discuss your concerns and what you think is impacting on your life.
It sounds very much like you are stuck in the modern loop of working hard and as you say not getting enough downtime.

It may be that some small changes can help push that issue back a bit but it may be simply that you may need to make a big change.

This is a modern thing that affects millions especially in low income families where the pressure to earn and keep afloat over rides everything.
Even high earners end up swept up in the work more earn more cycle to pay for extras and luxuries.

I will keep you in my thoughts prayers and hope you can overcome these issues but keep your head up.
 
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munch said:
I had a similar thing trying to get the work life balance right. I was fortunate to have some good family and friends to talk too. But in the end it was a sit down with my boss that eventually got things sorted. He could see my work was suffering, he was also aware I was looking after more units than anyone else. So he reshuffled the department and spread the units out more evenly.
Seeing your doctor and trying to get some sort of therapy will help, but unless your workload changes or you find a better way to manage your time the issue will not be resolved.
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This sounds like a good approach as well, the issue seems to be with your work so possibly a chat with the boss if you feel you can.
 
I think you're getting some good advice here and it shows you're not the first and you won't be the last, but with help and a few changes it will get better.
Munch hits the nail on the head about changing your workload,it has to be done.
My situation was work based. I had worked there for 37 years and ended up as the boss of the workshop. There were changes from above and I soon realised that the work was making me ill, after several failed attempts to resolve matters voluntary redundancy became available and I took it.
My last day was a struggle after so many years and as I left the building I was having to repeat to myself "Keep it together,keep it together.", by the time I got to the bottom of the road I felt as though I was floating, I'll never forget the feeling of absolute relief.
As has been said, with a bit of help, effort and a change of circumstance you will get to feel better.
 
rjbell said:
What absolutely terrible and dangerous advice to someone in need. You talk about therapists like they're some sort of gypsy fortune teller fleecing money. They are highly trained professionals. It's takes years to be accredited and continuing monthly personal supervision for your whole career.
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I would agree. People tend to think Occupational Therapists are self taught and not trained. My daughter has gone through 3 years of extremely involved hard work to get her degree, including in depth training in mental health and even down to biology and Psychotherapy. She is going into helping people with mental health issues and learning disabilities.

Without doubt the first stop is the local GP, but I would agree not to just throw down any tablets they prescribe for you as an easy fix. It's often life style changes that can make a big difference, and thats where a therapist can come into their own
 
Hi Dale. You've made a great start as Margaret said, and the GP would be a great first port of call.

In terms of counselling - it's not for everyone. I've heard of counsellors who listen, and sympathise, and others who advocate an active change. It sounds like you want to make a change but don't know where to start. If you go down the counselling route, consider finding someone who wants to work with you towards change rather than a "there there" approach. We've had health professionals come to us who have gone away amazed. Training in certain areas is very sadly lacking. In others, it's superb, so don't feel bad jumping around until you find something that works.

Samaritans are great too - for listening. They won't give advice, or offer suggestions - they are just there to listen. You can also drop in at their local office and have a brew rather than doing it on the phone. Sometimes voicing things out loud to someone who doesn't judge can be cathartic.

There are also self-help groups out there for people in a similar situation. Might need a bit of digging on the internet to find, and again - they aren't for everyone, but that "I'm not alone" feeling can also offer relief.

Making a change in the way you think is difficult, but you can do it. Willingness is the key.
Take care. Do something nice for yourself today. You undoubtedly deserve it.
 
When you say you're the boss at work does it mean you own the company itself or does it mean you are the boss of that bit but there is a higher up you answer to?

Are you not getting everything done because you are being interrupted or prevented from completing it by outside factors? Dealing with those sorts of things is always worthwhile as you may find it makes the difference between everything snowballing out of control and things being manageable.

Are there any business networking breakfast meetings? They can often just make you realise there's a load of other people that are dealing with the same kind of problems and they may have good ideas to fix it.

Family is far more important than any job. No one gets to their death bed and wishes they spent more time working!
 
srichards said:
When you say you're the boss at work does it mean you own the company itself or does it mean you are the boss of that bit but there is a higher up you answer to?

Are you not getting everything done because you are being interrupted or prevented from completing it by outside factors? Dealing with those sorts of things is always worthwhile as you may find it makes the difference between everything snowballing out of control and things being manageable.

Are there any business networking breakfast meetings? They can often just make you realise there's a load of other people that are dealing with the same kind of problems and they may have good ideas to fix it.

Family is far more important than any job. No one gets to their death bed and wishes they spent more time working!
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Its my company, there are 25 of us in total, my wife also works with me which means she knows everything I am going through as we talk lots.I think I need to adjust my expectations in many areas and need help doing this.

I can really understand the whole mid-life crisis part and feel I am heading towards that. Its the working really hard, supporting my wife, being with the kids as much as I can, supporting everyone at work. I get overloaded and hit the 'What about me??!!'

Work wise I need to decide where we are going. We have lots of growth potential, but this brings more growth, work and stress. However I currently see the growing as a way of passing things on to other people and letting go a bit, this isn't happening at the moment.

Family is more important than any job, however I do have flexible working hours to spend time with the kids, the job also provides some luxuries. I know the grass is most definitely not greener on the other side of the fence and I am in the best place, yet I feel trapped and not in control, yet in my position I should feel free and in control
 
I have no advice, but am watching the thread closely with great interest.
 
Dale_tem said:
I feel trapped and not in control, yet in my position I should feel free and in control
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Feeling out of control is one of the most disconcerting things, especially if you feel like you should be but don't know how to get their. Uncertainty can be a terribly unsettling,

There are plenty of tools and methods for dealing with it, most of them are basically route cause analysis coupled with a little awareness about how our mind processes data. The combination of the two allows you to separate the issues in a rational way which then allows you to deal with them in different emotional states which is really really helpful for dealing with things. The common version is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy but there are others.

A trained councillor will be able to help with this, or often talking to other people who've been through it can be very beneficial too - hence the help line above.

One thing is for sure though, the longer you leave it the worse it will get so make a call, see your GP (who may refer you to CBT) but start taking action. By taking action you are starting to take control of the situation, which in itself is a big start and will make you feel loads better.

:)
 
As others have said your GP is the starting point and should be able to recommend someone for you to talk to. Although Mindfulness seems to be a bit of a fad at present it can help with stress. Future Learn will be running another Mindfulness course soon, I found it to be very good and you can study at your own pace - it is free, all you need to supply is an email and password.
https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/mindfulness-wellbeing-performance
 
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Reading the bit about the company and the size of it etc.
Sounds like you may well need to look at thinking about delegating some work also.
You have quite a lot of people working for you, hire another manager or look at an executive assistant.
 
I have a part time PA and we have team leaders, however they need more support than I expected. This is mainly due to the industry we work in and the product we develop

Thanks for the support and suggestions so far :)
 
Dale_tem said:
I need someone to talk to, but I don't know who.
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I feel for you Dale and I hope you can find a way forward soon.

I went through a bad patch some years ago, I had a very stressful job, I worked too much and I was in a relationship that I only later came to see was damaging and indeed abusive. I found it difficult to believe that the things that were going wrong with me were stress related and it was only over time I came to accept it. As a man I did what some men do, I ignored things and denied that there were problems and I didn't talk to anyone until one day I had to seek help as I was having palpitations every 5 or 6 seconds. After reaching that point I decided that my life had to change but rather than seek someone professional to talk to (more on that later) I decided to see my life as a broken piece of equipment and fix it. So, I looked at where I was, what was wrong, where I wanted to be and how to get there and as I didn't feel that I could talk to friends or family instead I talked to relative strangers on an internet forum, it helped.

This DIY way of sorting things out may not be for everyone or even sensible but it did work for me. I quit the job and the relationship and set about recreating myself and my life.

I suppose that one thing that stopped me seeking counselling was the fear of being put on some sort of medication as people close to me have gone down that route with the worst possible outcome. So, the only medication I took was beta blockers for the palpitations and once they settled down I came off them.

I hope that you can soon see a way forward and at least you have a supportive partner but I don't know if talking to a professional or going down some sort of DIY route like I did would be best for you but at least you realise that there are issues you need to face.

I hope that very soon you can start to feel better.
 
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I think its important to remember that talking to someone about it does not make you mad, does not mean your weak and does not commit you to any path your don't want to go down. However, it's worth knowing that the paths are there even if you don't want to take them.

It's a good point that Alan makes, being clear and honest about what you want will also make the things you have to do more obvious (this comes back to the route cause analysis I mentioned earlier).

For example, you might want to spend more time with your family, this means you have to spend less time at work, well then that means you need other people to take some of the work, that probably means they need to be competent and willing enough to do those bits, that might mean you need to train someone internal or maybe recruit someone in, that might mean you have to draw less pay, that might mean you have to hand over responsibility for its future direction.

The implications might be a bit scary to start with but it all comes back to what you ultimately want and the steps you know you must take to get there. Having it laid out in steps like that can make it much more manageable and with a goal you want at the end of it you know why you are doing it.
 
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