Thing you'd like to say out loud at work

Notts_Dave

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Dave
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Yes
1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of poo.
2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3 How about never? Is never good for you?
4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.
6 Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8 I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10 Ahhhh. I see the washing-up fairy has visited us again.
11 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a donation.
14 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
17 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18 Any resemblance between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19 What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23 And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24 Do I look like a lovely people person to you?
25 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28 If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30 Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31 Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
32 An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33 Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?
34 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35 Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36 Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37 How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38 I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40 Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41 Aren't you a black hole of need?
42 I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43 Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45 If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it
over your mouth.
46 I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47 Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
48 Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49 You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50 You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
51 Don't believe everything you think.
52 Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring
53 The voices in my head don't like you.
54 I like you, I will kill you last.
 
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I want to say this at work...

**** OFF YOU ****, IAM UP TO MY ****ING EYES! DO IT YOUR ****ING SELF!!!!

/screams

I am not normally a violent person :D
 
Best one is "You'll be wanting some ice on that jaw"...

Not forgetting "You want a letter of resignation? How about F or U?"
 
1. You can't be that big of an ********,you must get up early and practise
2.He's so far up your ****, you think you've piles
3.Sorry did you think you where talking to somebody who gives a ****
 
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i wish i could say - will you just shut the **** up, sit down and ****ing listen!
 
I have actually used a few of them, the joys of having your own business ;)

Now, from the rules :D
No swearing or offensive language, including partial masking of such. If you wish to use an expletive, type it out fully and let the swear filter catch it, or censor the whole word yourself with asterisks.
If you choose the former, please check your comment after posting to make sure the swear filter has recognised the expletive, please do not assume. The swear filter is by no means contains an exhaustive list, so if a word isn't 'caught' by the filter, then please do not assume that it is considered OK to use. If in doubt, leave it out.

Because there's a few I'm going to use one of the other skills I've learnt, delegation, get those swearies starred out ;)
 
Thanks for posting these.
I'm in the middle of doing annual appraisals for my teams and now I can just cut and paste from here rather than having to come up with anything original! :)

Cheers,

Nigel
 
"Oh I see, that's like a joke but not so funny"

Works most of the time :naughty:

Steve
 
"why dont you **** off and die. you overbearing , opinionated ****.

feel free to stick your job as far up your **** as humanly possible".

"just occasionaly, shut your trap and LISTEN".

"stop bleeding when i,m talking to you"

"satan will be along for your sole shortly"

and all 54 of daves suggestions.:lol:
 
oh, and i have actualy used "do i look like i give a ****?."
didnt get fired either.:D. when they winged at me going home after a 12 1/2 hour day.wanted another two hour job doing.
i do not have a four letter word stamped on my head.
oddly sent off a job aplication today.:suspect:
 
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Brilliant, have used a few before now, and number 10 is definately gonna get an airing before the weekend comes
 
From today...

SHUT THE **** UP!!!!

Honestly, I feel like I am working with chimps.
 
Here's one that I had to use this morning at work:

"Please let me apologise for talking when you were trying to interrupt!"

I think it was wasted on the individual concerned :bang:

Cheers,

Nigel
 
Jimmy you're a tool, you've always been a tool, i've no idea how you still have a job here now **** off

Oh if only
 
You're TESTICULATING again. Gesticulating its waving your hands about, Testiculating is waving your hand about and talking bo**ocks!
 
Stuff You
finished with some thing not repeatable begins with T and ends with T 4 letters AW not in that order
 
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if you stop shaking your t*t* at me i may be able to listen to what you are saying (put some clothes on)
 
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i would like to say:

i wish the ride would fall on you and kill you.
 
If I ever here one more ''on the radar'' or ''Paradigm shift'' or ''Heads up'', they will be ''shifting their radar through their head'' shortly afterwards....

:lol:

And.....

"Lets find the white space"," Lets examine the delta" "We have a challenge/issue"

ie
"Where can we sell where we're not selling", "What's the difference" and " we've got a problem"

Can you imagine "Houston, we've have a challenge" :D

:)
 
Can you imagine "Houston, we've have a challenge"
:lol::lol::lol:

I suspect the reason that I don't work for companies any more and the fact that I have worked for quite a large number of them is that most of this thread reads like my first walk to the coffee pot if the day. :D
 
Remember Nescafe's "three types of beans" adverts?

Remember the distinctive hand action?

Now what can you say when someone is being a w**ker?
 
Just bumping this thread so I can find it easier while sitting in the office today :lol:
 
Can I just say:

"You know what? I felt guilty yesterday. Today, I couldn't give a flying ****"

:D
 
regularily to the MD. "you going home now or what?"
 
I nearly got punched at work a couple of days ago, some guy stood for about twenty minutes screaming at me for something that was nothing to do with me, and as is his usual style i couldn't get a word in at all, when he finished i looked him square in the face and asked "Would you like fries with that?" I actually thought he was gonna rip my head off, he didn't see the funny side and has since reported me to my boss, who by the way, thought it was hilarious:lol::lol:
 
I love that. Hope you dont get into trouble.
 
I am desperate to say "What do you mean, our warranty submissions are slightly incorrect, if you built that damn things properly in the first place, WE wouldn't have to be slightly incorrect!!" :bang: ...to our manufacturers of course, not customers :lol:
 
Work for myself now so have said many of those things to myself.

A previous job I had, I could never get on with the GM. He was a jumped up sales rep and expected everyone to be hanging from his rectum.

Anyway whilst in the warehouse one day, he brought a fax down to me with some instructions on from head office. His name, Daniel Hague, was on top of the piece of paper, which had been spelt wrong and I pointed this out to him.

He replied with " It's got the right initials so that close enough for him"

To which I replied "D and H are also initials for D**K H**D and that's close enough for me"

There was always a bit of a frosty atmosphere between us since that moment.
 
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