The Things that just happen and life throws you a curve ball - very personal story

[Mr Bump]

so this is a longish read but here goes
I thought long about posting this but I think I just need to get it out despite is sadness.

it all starts about 9 days ago, me and the wife get on the plane to Gran Canaria for a post retirement holiday
we have both retired early through good financial fortune mainly, me 55 and Anne 52.

we get the bus from airport to Airbnb apartment, its lovely, best holiday place we have had in a long time a nice quiet detached bungalow in a little complex, we enjoy the first 5 days wandering around old haunts, we haven't visited this town for 5 years and we love it, so much so we want to buy a small house here, we even look in a few estate agents and decide, wow its pricey but doable, we then set off walking back to the apartment smiling and laughing..

and then her phone bongs, its a message from her sister in the UK asking her to call her super urgent.
Anne says her sister would never say something like that if it wasn't super urgent.

Anne calls her sister from the side of the road.

last night her mum had an odd turn, now her mum is a quite fit and active 76 year old goes to aquafit, very slim and generally in good health, she was a very heavy smoker up to about 4 years ago but quit and moved to vapes. she does aquafit and 3 weeks ago was in a pool in Greece having a lovely time.

the news is bad, very bad, it seems she just passed out randomly at there house in Durham and after about 20 minutes came round but was woozy and light headed and felt sick, so Pete (husband and my father in law) calls an ambulance and it takes Norma to hospital where she has some tests and an MRI scan. anyway roll on to the next day (we at the roadside on that call) she has an enormous aneurysm high up in her chest that has gone unnoticed , she put her recent back pain down to being old and just very active, the aneurysm is so large its filled all the space and pressing on her spine and organs, also it has started leaking, that's why she passed out due to the sudden loss of blood pressure.

she is given 2/3 days to live as its inoperable will almost certainly just burst soon.

I then have to literally drag my devasted wife crying hysterically back to our apartment to start making calls its about a mile...

we get back and she starts making calls from the bedroom, the noise is horrendous, I am crying myself to hear my wife in so much pain almost breaks me, but I need to be strong as I have things now to do.

I get straight on to my laptop and book the next flight back to the UK for my wife, we decide I should stay here as the parents bungalow doesn't really even have a spare room, it has a tiny room with a single bed, its a decision I still don't know was right or wrong but it is what it is. We agree I can fully support her from here, the most import thing is to get her back, I say if I feel I have to return like I will just book another flight

we spend then the next 20 hours watching the clock until the flight and I put my wife on the plane and she flys back direct to Newcastle (parents live near Durham) she is picked up by the family and is reunited with her mum who seems quite bright and alert, she is at home now the hospital were happy for her request to be at home when she passes, there is a busy stream of people coming to the house, nurses set up a morphine drip to control the pain, this gets progressively increased over the while as her pain rises quite steeply quickly.

the next 2 days are spent with people coming to the house to chat with her and its really awful , very hard conversations, my wife is coping but on the edge of cracking, how on earth Pete is keeping control is a mystery.

Her funeral is all arranged she picks a casket and even a dress she wishes to be in, its a very surreal and awful situation.

DAY 2

her pain gets suddenly much worse the district nurses are called, they were amazing , she cant get out of bed so they bring a commode and even more morphine is added to the pump driver thing, she is also given madazalan as she is now getting very upset and anxious, everyone gets loads of time with her in private to have there own conversations. all the meds calm her down and she sleeps a lot but has amazing bowts of wakefulness and lucidity.

my wife says she will tell me about her conversation with here mum when I see her in about 6 days, she says its just not doable at the moment as her voice just cracks and fails.

DAY 3

05:19 - 22/10/24

I get a call in Gran Canaria, i'm awake anyway , she has screamed out in the night and said something has gone I felt it, they call the district nurses, they are there in 8 minutes we think they were parked local that night. they say she maybe has 20 minutes call anyone now, this has already been done and literally at that point , the rest of the family walk in the door, Nicky my wifes sister went to bed fully clothed just to save time (she lives about 5 minutes way)if the phone call happened.

05:39 - she passes very quickly.....the district nurses do there thing , remove the morphine drip driver and say they will do some paperwork to report the death, they clean and take the commode as well and all the other medication and stuff, they leave...

about 08:00 Nicky and Anne clean up Norma, wash her hair and put on her fave perfume and that nightie, dress she picked out, she looks lovely, 09:50 the undertakers arrive and take her away. Norma asked them to do this for her as she wanted to look her best for the undertakers, its horrendous they cry solid

the undertakes come abou 10:00 and take Norma away and the grieving starts.

I don't think i have spoken to my wife as much as i have the last three days as i did in a year of working away.
i even checked my roaming minutes on my 1pmobile app, but yep its unlimited so we are good.

I think i have done ok as a husband, she seems to think so, she says i have and despite all that i will take that.
i did all that i could so she could have that time back at the parents in Durham and that is so precious

so thats it I will fly home in 5 days and I have a very very traumatised wife to look after and a funeral to go to of a very nice lady and mother in law, she was a decent one despite all the gags, the holiday well, i will just book another one its just a bit of money in the scheme of things.

my wife will stay in Durham until i return and Pete will run her home
she will support Pete all that time and help him with sorting stuff out and any other matters


if you read it all thanks
apologies for the repeats and bad grammar and spelling.
i cant face rereading it and correcting stuff.


whats my message
take all the time you have with the people you care for
when there gone there is no more time.
its opened my eyes to make me realise how much i love my wife and if she suddenly disappeard from the world
i just don't know how i would get by.

 

[cambsno]

Thoughts are with you.

It's a horrible time, my parents and 77/76 and in very good health but who knows if a heart attack or cancer is round the corner (look at Chris Hoy for example). So it will come to all of us at some point. In some ways its a blessing it was not a sudden heart attack and drop dead immediately, at least she got to say goodbye and she is lucky to have someone as supportive as you - sounds like you have been amazing.

While your wife will be upset, don't ignore yourself. Supporting someone going through that is tough itself so make sure you get some times to yourself and do things that make you happy. You need to be strong too. Feel free to PM if you need a chat

 

[Mr Bump]

Thoughts are with you.

It's a horrible time, my parents and 77/76 and in very good health but who knows if a heart attack or cancer is round the corner (look at Chris Hoy for example). So it will come to all of us at some point. In some ways its a blessing it was not a sudden heart attack and drop dead immediately, at least she got to say goodbye and she is lucky to have someone as supportive as you - sounds like you have been amazing.

While your wife will be upset, don't ignore yourself. Supporting someone going through that is tough itself so make sure you get some times to yourself and do things that make you happy. You need to be strong too. Feel free to PM if you need a chat

thanks mate i have had a very supportive PM just now from a member as well.
I just wanted to tell the story as it has just been so surreal and awful

I am ok i am truly devastated for my wife though utterly
she was very close to her mum, extremely and she will struggle
i will do what i can over the weeks and maybe months
i think the funeral which is pencilled in for the 11th of november will be gut wrenching
its also me and my wifes wedding anniversary which will also be hard, Pete said lets push the funeral out a few days
but we said no mate we are ok with it lets get Norma put to rest as soon as.

 

[Smiffster]

That is sad. Your wife got home to be with her mam is the good thing. I lost my brother quite some years back now. Heart attack News Years Eve. 47. Hadn't been to a gp for 30 years. You are so correct . Make the most of family whilst they are here. And yes take care of yourself too. Its after it hits aswell..

 

[Mr Bump]

That is sad. Your wife got home to be with her mam is the good thing. I lost my brother quite some years back now. Heart attack News Years Eve. 47. Hadn't been to a gp for 30 years. You are so correct . Make the most of family whilst they are here. And yes take care of yourself too. Its after it hits aswell..

she did and had two whole days with her, and her sister nicky and her son.
they all got good time , what is kind of hitting now is how time almosts stops in these situations
for me the minute my wife broke down in the street , and she did truly break down.

like every minute became an hour, its like the last 4 days from start to finish (maybe finish is the wrong word but to Norma passing)
it is like that program 24 hours with kiefer sutherland, i feel like it has been like that?

 

[lindsay]

I feel for you and your wife. It's hard being on the sidelines in these things, as you are, where you feel; the same pain but have to put your spouse first. I guess your job is to be available when wanted but not getting in the way of the close family grieving, and it's all too easy to not pay attention to your own sense of loss and how you deal with it. What helps is to cry together when you can, and only try to be "strong" when it's absolutely necessary.

If it seems appropriate, in due course, please do consider grief counselling from CRUSE Bereavement Care - I was a bereavement counsellor with them at one time, and I know it did actually help some of my clients to move forward whilst processing and getting used to the sense of loss.

 

[Mr Bump]

I feel for you and your wife. It's hard being on the sidelines in these things, as you are, where you feel; the same pain but have to put your spouse first. I guess your job is to be available when wanted but not getting in the way of the close family grieving, and it's all too easy to not pay attention to your own sense of loss and how you deal with it. What helps is to cry together when you can, and only try to be "strong" when it's absolutely necessary.

If it seems appropriate, in due course, please do consider grief counselling from CRUSE Bereavement Care - I was a bereavement counsellor with them at one time, and I know it did actually help some of my clients to move forward whilst processing and getting used to the sense of loss.

thanks (ALL) for the kind words I am genuinely and honestly ok
I think i am ok with her passing because she had a good active life and reached a decent age of 77 (i think)

I didn't know Norma so well in the bigger scheme
when Anne used to pop home for a visit i would often arrange a man day or
pop off also to visit an old friend, i have a mate Andy who is heavily disabled and has MS
and those days were often when i would pop over to see him or arrange a beer.

my part in all this was to support my wife and make sure she got what she needed and my hope is i did the best i could

 

[Pixbarmy]

Best wishes and regards to you all.

 

[mj4456]

Condolences to your wife and family, you did what you could, MiL will know that, you’ll be forgiven.
My mums nursing home called me and told me I needed to be there Now! I charged through but due to traffic lights and having to park around the corner she slipped away moments before I got in the door, should I have driven faster, taken chances, that thought has bothered me since, but the home assured me she was never on her own, someone sat with her until I got in, we do what we can, no one can ask for more.

 

[ancient_mariner]

This is an especially difficult time, Paul, not that you need me to tell you!

But really, well done for supporting your wife through this, even though you found it difficult too. I'm pleased to hear your wife could be with her mum at the end, as this helps a lot with future feelings that can be very hard to reconcile. Don't be surprised if feelings of grief come on her at odd or unreasonable times in the future - this is all quite normal. Funerals are often difficult, awkard times too, with feelings we neither expect nor want popping up, so be prepared.

I hope you can both walk well together through this time.

 

[Mr Bump]

@ancient_mariner Thanks the funeral is now all arranged Nov 12th and all the basics have been sorted.
my Wife and Pete are just sorting out silly things and pottering a bit really, my wife asked if i had any thoughts on things that needed doing
i said council tax, crap to say but he needs to take Norma off as he will then get a 25% discount, cancel her driving licence with DVLA.
and now they are going to sit down and sort some clothes out and make lists of people for the after funeral get together (wake).

Tears seem to be calming down a bit, reality and just that whole get on with it thing that older people have i guess.

 

[Box Brownie]

@ancient_mariner Thanks the funeral is now all arranged Nov 12th and all the basics have been sorted.
my Wife and Pete are just sorting out silly things and pottering a bit really, my wife asked if i had any thoughts on things that needed doing
i said council tax, crap to say but he needs to take Norma off as he will then get a 25% discount, cancel her driving licence with DVLA.
and now they are going to sit down and sort some clothes out and make lists of people for the after funeral get together (wake).

Tears seem to be calming down a bit, reality and just that whole get on with it thing that older people have i guess.

Sadly yes, the winding up of such administrative paperwork comes into play and will need attention.

All(?) require copies of the death certificate:-
Bank accounts including joint ones
Likewise all banking type accounts (savings e.g. premium bonds etc) including credit cards.
Passport
DWP for pension notification
Private Pension companies
Car insurance
House insurance
and as you say Council Tax
..............etc?

Ultimately, these organisations need to know because I can think of nothing worse (though it might/could still happen?) than your FiL receiving unexpected 'official' communications addressed to his wife

In other words, any official bodies where interactions have taken place.

I did all that letter writing and paperwork when my father died in 1996 and IIRC I think it took about 6 weeks to tie up all the loose ends.

 

[Norkie]

Sincere condolences to you Paul.
My neighbours husband passed away and she was able to keep his premium bonds in his name for a year after?
Worth checking out.

 

[Mr Bump]

Sincere condolences to you Paul.
My neighbours husband passed away and she was able to keep his premium bonds in his name for a year after?
Worth checking out.

Thanks, also to @Box Brownie its all in hand, to be fair they haven't got much "stuff" and its pretty much all in hand
you don't even have to register the death anymore its all electronic, sad times but its all moving forward

I do feel however the funeral on the 12th nov is going to be truly awful.

 

[mj4456]

We’re in Scotland so it may not be the same but we got a form with the death registration certificate to fill in that covered all government departments in one go, saved a lot of work and there a couple that we didn’t think of right away.

 

[Norkie]

What to do after someone dies

The steps you must take when someone dies - register a death, report a death with Tell Us Once, coroners, funerals and death abroad.

www.gov.uk