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and help to keep the site free for all
*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***
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Chuckurbarla
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The Biker and the Lord.
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one request."
The biker pulled over and said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take. It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men could understand women; I want to know how they feel inside, what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing is wrong and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge"
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one request."
The biker pulled over and said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take. It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men could understand women; I want to know how they feel inside, what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing is wrong and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge"
E
englandshottest2
Guest
these are all so ace 
keep em comin lol
keep em comin lol
Doc
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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the
belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
(scroll down)
"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"....
WAIT! WAIT! There's more.............
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is the man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name, "sighed the distraught bishop, but............."
(.....Wait for it.......)
(.......It's worth it.......)
....HE"S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the
belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
(scroll down)
"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"....
WAIT! WAIT! There's more.............
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is the man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name, "sighed the distraught bishop, but............."
(.....Wait for it.......)
(.......It's worth it.......)
....HE"S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."
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Door is that way ---------------> 
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Funny that you'd know where the door was so readily.Door is that way --------------->
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Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, '*** the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad
looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or
my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of
humour!'
An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, '*** the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad
looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or
my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of
humour!'
An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is pre-menstrual or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
No further studies are expected.
Smiffy
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Old Timer Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife 'Do you remember
the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the
village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to
you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it
for old time's sake?'
Oh Russ, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and
make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, Russ moves in.. Then
suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever
seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises
and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the
ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is
still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask
them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some
sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, Russell is barely able to reply........................
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
The husband leans over and asks his wife 'Do you remember
the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the
village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to
you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it
for old time's sake?'
Oh Russ, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and
make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, Russ moves in.. Then
suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever
seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises
and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the
ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is
still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask
them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some
sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, Russell is barely able to reply........................
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Doc
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HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God', 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God', 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
theadmiralcs
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Oldie but goodie
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Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side
'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on .
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too
large. 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in
this family and I always will.
'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got
Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his
trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack.'I wear the trousers in this relationship and
I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack. 'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your ******* attitude, you never will.'
'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on .
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too
large. 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in
this family and I always will.
'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got
Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his
trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack.'I wear the trousers in this relationship and
I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack. 'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your ******* attitude, you never will.'
Notts_Dave
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Very good, how about this one....
A newly wed couple return from honeymoon and are unpacking the suit cases. The groom picks up one of his new wifes bras an says " i dont know why you waste our money on these, you dont have anything to put in them"
His new wife rumages in the suit case and brings out a pair of his underpants and remarks " same reason you buy these then "
A newly wed couple return from honeymoon and are unpacking the suit cases. The groom picks up one of his new wifes bras an says " i dont know why you waste our money on these, you dont have anything to put in them"
His new wife rumages in the suit case and brings out a pair of his underpants and remarks " same reason you buy these then "
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@ dave and fox!!!!!!!!!!
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A friend of mine was suffering from depression, so asked me to help him euthanase. We decided that the best method would be to push him under a steam train.. .. ..
He was chuffed to bits!
He was chuffed to bits!
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Condoms!
Imagine if all the major brands started selling their own condoms and kept their original tag-lines.
Sainsbury condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life
KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hand
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load
Abbey National Condoms - because life is complicated enough
Coca Cola Condoms - The real thing
Ever Ready Condoms - keep going and going
Pringles Condoms - once you pop, you can't stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the Whopper
Goodyear Condoms - "for a longer ride, go wide"
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain?
Flash Condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work
Halford Condoms - we go the extra mile
Royal Mail Condoms - I saw this and thought of you
Andrex Condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault Condoms - size really does matter!
Domestos Condoms - gets right in the rim
Heineken Condoms -reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg Condoms - probably the best condom in the world
Pepperami Condoms - its a bit of an animal
Polo Condoms - the condom with the hole!! (VERY poor seller !!)
McDonalds Condoms - I'm Lovin' it!
Imagine if all the major brands started selling their own condoms and kept their original tag-lines.
Sainsbury condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life
KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hand
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load
Abbey National Condoms - because life is complicated enough
Coca Cola Condoms - The real thing
Ever Ready Condoms - keep going and going
Pringles Condoms - once you pop, you can't stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the Whopper
Goodyear Condoms - "for a longer ride, go wide"
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain?
Flash Condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work
Halford Condoms - we go the extra mile
Royal Mail Condoms - I saw this and thought of you
Andrex Condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault Condoms - size really does matter!
Domestos Condoms - gets right in the rim
Heineken Condoms -reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg Condoms - probably the best condom in the world
Pepperami Condoms - its a bit of an animal
Polo Condoms - the condom with the hole!! (VERY poor seller !!)
McDonalds Condoms - I'm Lovin' it!
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What did one snowman say to the other?
Can you smell carrot
Can you smell carrot
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In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song,
while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks,
Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal!
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song,
while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks,
Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal!
Flash In The Pan
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What have women and KFC got in common?
When you're finished with the breasts, all that is left is a greasy box......
When you're finished with the breasts, all that is left is a greasy box......
Smiffy
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Talking about condoms, I rushed home the other night and said to the missus "be prepared tonight love, I've bought some of those new "Olympic" condoms that come in a pkt of three, one gold, one silver and the other one bronze. I'm going to use the gold one tonight!!"
"Couldn't you use the silver one?" she asked, "it would be nice if you came second for a change"
"Couldn't you use the silver one?" she asked, "it would be nice if you came second for a change"
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Talking about condoms, I rushed home the other night and said to the missus "be prepared tonight love, I've bought some of those new "Olympic" condoms that come in a pkt of three, one gold, one silver and the other one bronze. I'm going to use the gold one tonight!!"
"Couldn't you use the silver one?" she asked, "it would be nice if you came second for a change"
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A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
'Ralph, for the FIFTH ****IN' time, CHICKEN!
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
'Ralph, for the FIFTH ****IN' time, CHICKEN!
Flash In The Pan
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Theres a woman that has a big problem when it came to farting. She farts all the time, yet is never be able to smell or hear them. So one day she decides to go to the doctor about the problem. She tells him how she is always leaving these long, hard farts that she can never smell or hear. The doctor thinks about it and sends her home with some pills, telling her to come back a week later.
When she comes back to his office, she tells him how she still is having these horrible farts, but now they smell like rotting eggs. The doctors only reaction to this was... "Its good to know we cleared up your sinuses. Now to work on your hearing...."
When she comes back to his office, she tells him how she still is having these horrible farts, but now they smell like rotting eggs. The doctors only reaction to this was... "Its good to know we cleared up your sinuses. Now to work on your hearing...."
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- Matt Sayle
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Woodsy
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- Name
- Jonathan
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"One day, little petal walks up to her mum and says "mummy, why am I called petal?" mum answers with "well, when you were born a rose petal fell on you, and so we thought it would be fitting to call you petal". Little petal is happy with the knowledge and walks off.
The next day, little leaf walks up to his mum and asks "mummy, why am I called leaf?" mum answers with "well, when you were born a leaf fell on you, and so we thought it would be fitting to call you leaf". Little leaf is happy with the knowledge and walks off.
A few days later, their little brother walks up to his mum and says "uhauhughauhguahuhauhgaughahgaggggaga". mummy replies with "SHUT UP, FRIDGE""
The next day, little leaf walks up to his mum and asks "mummy, why am I called leaf?" mum answers with "well, when you were born a leaf fell on you, and so we thought it would be fitting to call you leaf". Little leaf is happy with the knowledge and walks off.
A few days later, their little brother walks up to his mum and says "uhauhughauhguahuhauhgaughahgaggggaga". mummy replies with "SHUT UP, FRIDGE""
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- Matt Sayle
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jabber
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If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days,
we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply
that they blow things up all day every day and, despite
their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they
were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London
I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood
Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a
problem.
Martin Kristos
It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that
lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to
organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring
I'm beginning to think there may be something in this
climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now
it's quite warm.
Alan Heath
A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told
ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably,
that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a
tornado.
M Lovejoy
'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard
someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady
and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford
I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this
country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If
anything, they did more harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough
So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to
celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that
they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems
a bit harsh.
D Antarctica , Rhyll
I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current
predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were
unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would
almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of
this alive.
Stella Matlock
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor
with a loved one standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate!
Give him some chocolate!' The next day someone offers them a
piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say 'No thanks,
I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story straight.
T Potter
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife
looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her
my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren
THIS new police knife amnesty is a flamin nightmare. I
dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing
to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when
you're older' when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its
tongue up another one's back-side: I'm 36 now and still waiting for
an explanation.
Joe McKeown
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and
I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um
Bongo.
Neil Palmer
I'M A terre-rist, and when ID cards come into force I will
probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my
job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.
A Terrorist
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as
nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing
would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray
' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the
commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at
7.30.
Colum Hill
'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in
1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's
going to be at the prison.
Raymond
we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply
that they blow things up all day every day and, despite
their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they
were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London
I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood
Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a
problem.
Martin Kristos
It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that
lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to
organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring
I'm beginning to think there may be something in this
climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now
it's quite warm.
Alan Heath
A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told
ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably,
that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a
tornado.
M Lovejoy
'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard
someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady
and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford
I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this
country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If
anything, they did more harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough
So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to
celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that
they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems
a bit harsh.
D Antarctica , Rhyll
I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current
predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were
unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would
almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of
this alive.
Stella Matlock
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor
with a loved one standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate!
Give him some chocolate!' The next day someone offers them a
piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say 'No thanks,
I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story straight.
T Potter
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife
looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her
my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren
THIS new police knife amnesty is a flamin nightmare. I
dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing
to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when
you're older' when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its
tongue up another one's back-side: I'm 36 now and still waiting for
an explanation.
Joe McKeown
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and
I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um
Bongo.
Neil Palmer
I'M A terre-rist, and when ID cards come into force I will
probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my
job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.
A Terrorist
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as
nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing
would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray
' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the
commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at
7.30.
Colum Hill
'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in
1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's
going to be at the prison.
Raymond
Borats Baby
Suspended / Banned
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- 2,126
- Name
- Rikki
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candlestick
Suspended / Banned
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- 1,461
- Name
- The King Of Prestwich
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A few more:Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colin Hill
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds
On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'c*nt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Alun Daniel
I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road Alan J., London
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London
Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa. Les, Barnsley
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the ***** quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, e-mail
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh
I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths. Tripod
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs. Stan
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
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