*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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> Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread
> gossip.
>
> In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his
> wisdom.
>
> One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do
> you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
>
> "Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to
> pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
>
> 'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
>
> "That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes
> let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter
> is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me
> is true?"
>
> "No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
>
> "All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or
> not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you
> are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
>
> "No, on the contrary..."
>
> "So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes
> that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
>
> The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still
> pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of
> Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful
> to me?"
>
> "No, not really."
>
> "Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True
> nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
>
> The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was
> a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
>
> It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was sh**ging
> his wife.
 
How did the mathematician solve his constipation problem?

He worked it out with a pencil
 
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says," I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk"
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?
 
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!



The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.



Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'



'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.
 
Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days....................

5070612465_d030c2c74c.jpg


"When I were a young fella, in dream time, my mother would send me down t' corner store wi' a
shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a
pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs, and a packet o' tobacco.
Yer can't do that now.

Too many bloody security cameras.
 
This was added to another thread, but as it has a photographic theme I thought you might like to see it again. Its a Spencer Tunick type photographic shoot.

video

Hope you enjoyed.
 
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly which made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began: "Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath! He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them."

The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then!"

The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech."
 
Little 5 year old daisy, sees a group of workmen turn up next door to build a house. She takes an interest and starts to talk to them. The builders with hearts of gold adopt her as their site mascot. After a week they present her with a pink hard hat & gloves. Even a wage packet with £5. Goodness, says mummy, smiling, are you working there next week? daisy replies: I think so mummy, provided those c***s at jewsons deliver the f****** bricks.
 
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub
with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
 
A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.

"DIG!" says the voice.

The man looks around, a little confused.

"DIG!" Booms the once again.

The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts

"OPEN!"

He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again

"CASINO!"

What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout

"ROULETTE!"

He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.

"16 BLACK!" the voice says

So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.

"****!" shouts the voice...
 
What is the fastest way to crack a woman up after having sex with her?
More foreplay?
Hold her and tell her you love her?
Tell her you are thinking of her all the time?

NO jump out of bed and wipe your di*ck on the curtains:thumbs:
 
Costume Party -- HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume, and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much ?"

"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
 
A little sparrow is flying in mid winter on the coldest day for years,
It soon froze and dropped into a cow pasture whereupon a cow sh#t on it.
It warmed up and it started to sing with joy,
Just then a cat happened by and dug it out and ate it.

Moral of the tale

Not every one who mucks on you is you're enemy.
Not every one who gets you out of the muck is you're friend.
And if you are in deep sh#t,it pays to keep you're mouth shut...........:D

A turkey in the field looks at a close by tree and says to the bull "I'd love to be able to sit at the top of that tree"
The bull says "If you never try you will never get up there"

So the Turkey flaps it's wings and can only reach the bottom branch.
The bull tells it to eat some of it's sh#t and sure enough it gets to the second branch.
After a few meals on the fifth day it reaches the top when along comes the Farmer and shoots it down.......:'(

Moral.
Bullsh#t can get you to the top of the tree,but it can't keep you there....:D
 
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Geordie is sitting reading a book, when his wife comes into the room. "What are you reading, hinny?" " A book.", says Geordie. "What's it about ?" asks his wife. " It about reincarnation." She then asks him, " What is reincarnation then ?" Geordie explains to her, " It's a belief that when we die we come back to earth as a different animal. " His wife says, " So I could come back as a pig or a cow ?"
Geordie says to her, " Pet, you're not listening.":clap::lol::clap:
 
This is really amazing! I don&#8217;t know which brilliant bloke created this. You must try this&#8230;

One of the best creative stuff
Write your name after clicking click here... Then see... It's amazing!




http://www.dilmaza.com/intro/
 
Doc said:
This is really amazing! I don’t know which brilliant bloke created this. You must try this…

One of the best creative stuff
Write your name after clicking click here... Then see... It's amazing!




http://www.dilmaza.com/intro/
Click to expand...


You owe me a new keyboard, got coffee all over mine:lol::lol:
 
Apparantly (worringly) some of you have missed me and my jokes :eek:

So here is a comeback ;)


Drum roll please......



I took the shell off my pet snail to make him go faster, but if anything he's more sluggish



I thank you :D :lol:
 
Matt Sayle said:
Apparantly (worringly) some of you have missed me and my jokes :eek:

So here is a comeback ;)


Drum roll please......



I took the shell off my pet snail to make him go faster, but if anything he's more sluggish



I thank you :D :lol:
Click to expand...


Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear

Glad to see your jokes have not improved Matt:lol:
 
My mistress has dumped me, she says im too kinky in the bedroom, I couldnt believe it when she told me.........
..
...
...
...
..
.
..
...
...








I nearly choked on her ****!!!
 
The U.S. Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer
> an early
>
>> retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
> Retirement a
>
>> bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
> between any Two
>
>> points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two
> points would be.
>
>>
>
>> The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from
> the top of his
>
>> head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
> walked out with a
>
>> bonus of $72,000.
>
>>
>
>> The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked
> to be measured
>
>> from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
> Out with
>
>> $96,000.
>
>>
>
>> The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old
> Chief who, when
>
>> asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip
> of my weenie
>
>> to my testicles.'
>
>>
>
>> It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to
> reconsider,
>
>> explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers
> had received..
>
>> But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
> providing the
>
>> measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
>
>>
>
>> The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop
> 'em,' which He
>
>> did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of
> the Chief's
>
>> weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly
> exclaimed, 'Where Are
>
>> your testicles?'
>
>>
>
>> The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam '.
 
Doc said:
This is really amazing! I don’t know which brilliant bloke created this. You must try this…

One of the best creative stuff
Write your name after clicking click here... Then see... It's amazing!




http://www.dilmaza.com/intro/
Click to expand...

abso bl##dy lutely fantastic :lol::lol:
 
Whats the difference between a Doctor and Audley Harrison........

























A doctors jabs hurt.
 
PsiFox said:
>> It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to
> reconsider,
>
>> explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers
> had received..
>
>> But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
> providing the
>
>> measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
>
>>
>
>...
Click to expand...

Love it :D
 
Had a water fight with some kids in the park today, I won of course.

No-one beats me and my kettle.
 
Molly and Tyrone have just bought their baby its first christmas present....







a jack in a box.
 
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad.... After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
 
Three pieces of string walk into a pub and go to the bar to order their drinks.

1st piece of string: Er, hi! I'd like three pints of beer please :naughty:.

Barman: :thinking: Hang on ... you're a piece of string!? We don't serve string in this bar.

1st piece of string: :( Oh, b****r! Fair enough then (*shuffles off*).


The second piece of string offers to try and disguise himself in order to get them all served, so he dons a pair of black Ray Bans, saunters over to the barman and says, in a cool voice;

2nd piece of string: :cool: Wotcha! Three pints of your finest please, mate.

Barman: :nono: You can't fool me, string. I told your friend already, we don't serve string in this pub, now get out!


Somewhat deflated, the 2nd piece of string rejoins his friends and tells them the bad news. Then, the 3rd piece of string steps forward and tells his friends to observe the master at work :naughty:.

He bends himself forward, then backward, then left and right, until his middle is completely tangled up. Then, he takes his stringy little hands and ruffles his hair up, until it looks like he's been dragged through a hedge backwards. Once prepared, he approaches the bar ...

3rd piece of string: Oi mate! Get us three pints of lager, will ya?

Barman: Well, I don't know about that - you look like another piece of string to me. Are you :shrug:?

3rd piece of string: No! (*drum roll :D*) I'm a frayed knot :lol:!
 
This Guy who races snails decides to take the snails shell off to try to make it go faster....................... but it didn't work it just made it sluggish:D
 
Just bought some new aftershave which smells like bread crumbs...





The birds love it..
 
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME! I send them to you so you may be haunted too!


If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE.........

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
 
Jewish Mother: "Hello?"

Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"

Jewish Mother: "You're going out?"

Daughter: "Yes."

Jewish Mother: "With whom?"

Daughter: "With a friend."

Jewish Mother: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man."

Daughter: "I didn't leave him. He left me!"

Jewish Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies."

Daughter: "I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?"

Jewish Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."

Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did, and I don't."

Jewish Mother: "What are you hinting at?"

Daughter: "Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight."

Jewish Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?"

Daughter: "My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!"

Jewish Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"

Daughter: "He's not a loser."

Jewish Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite."

Daughter: "I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?"

Jewish Mother: "Poor children with such a mother."

Daughter: "Such a what?"

Jewish Mother: "With no stability. No wonder your husband left you."

Daughter: "ENOUGH!!!"

Jewish Mother: "Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!"

Daughter: "Now you're worried about the loser?"

Jewish Mother: "Ah, so you see he IS a loser. I spotted him immediately."

Daughter: "Goodbye, mother."

Jewish Mother: "Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?

Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"

Jewish Mother: "If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?"
 
four businessmen met every ten years just to keep contact and see how each was doing
sort of old pals meeting
when they were 40 the decided to meet at the ocean view hotel because the waitresses wore low cut blouses and mini kilts
at 50 they also decided to meet at the ocean view because the food was good and the wine list superb
at 60 they again decided on the ocean view because it had a good view of the ocean
at 70 again they thought the ocean view was ideal because it had a lift to get up to the dining room with the view
at 80 unanimously they decided on the ocean view mainly because they hadnt been there before

;)
 
Naboo32 said:
:lol: That reminded me of a slightly X-rated version of the BT adverts from the '80s with Maureen Lipman. Funny!
Click to expand...

how about the jewess widow talking to her dead husband ashes in a jar...

;)
 
mrcrow said:
how about the jewess widow talking to her dead husband ashes in a jar...

;)
Click to expand...

Was that in one of the ads? I don't really remember them all that well, but that woman was a great character ;).
 
Naboo32 said:
Was that in one of the ads? I don't really remember them all that well, but that woman was a great character ;).
Click to expand...

its to do with being able to blow ashes....:|
 
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"




God replied: "Sorry! I didn't recognize you."
 
I just got home and found all the doors and windows open... everything gone!


What kind of sick b*****d would do that to someone's advent calendar!!
 
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