*** >>> The Official TP Joke thread. Put your jokes in here please <<< ***

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A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
 
The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her
to empty the bathtub."


"Oh, I understand," I said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"
 
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.

Dr. Smith told her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies'." She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus and realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't do the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked "Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's by any chance?"

"Why, yes I am. How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock . . ."
 
If a man alone in the woods said something would a woman still say he was wrong?
 
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.


Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.


At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.


Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.


Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "








No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue.'
 
One day little Johnny hears a noise and peeks into his parents room to check it out.

He find his mum bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her...his dad sees him and winks.

Afterwards dad goes to check on Johnny.

He finds grandma bent over the dresser and Johnny going at it from behind her.

Dad yells "what are you doing??"...to which Johnny replies "not so ********* funny when it's your mum is it ?!"
 
I think testing cosmetics on animals is wrong.

Even if my dog does look f****** hot with lipstick on.
 
The Zoo keeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for 500 pounds?".

Paddy replies, "I will on 3 conditions:

1) I'm not going to kiss it.

2) My family must never know.

3) I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together."
 
wibbly said:
I think testing cosmetics on animals is wrong.

Even if my dog does look f****** hot with lipstick on.
Click to expand...

I think you need to do the bathtub test:)
 
Lionel Richie has officially announced today that he is turning to the Muslim faith...To celebrate, he is releasing a new song entitled: 'Halal, is it meat your looking for?'
 
Rob Green has just finished his motivational autobiography: "Achieve All Your Own Goals".
 
A Psychiatric Professor has found that there are two sizes of penis amongst UK men.

There are those which fall within the normal size range and those which are less than two inches when erect.

The professor has appealed for help to continue his research. Could all men in the UK with extremely small penises make themselves known over the next six weeks by flying a white flag with a red cross from their cars?

:whistling: :D
 
MScotts said:
A Psychiatric Professor has found that there are two sizes of penis amongst UK men.

There are those which fall within the normal size range and those which are less than two inches when erect.

The professor has appealed for help to continue his research. Could all men in the UK with extremely small penises make themselves known over the next six weeks by flying a white flag with a red cross from their cars?

:whistling: :D
Click to expand...

Sorry, but ALL those are large penises! :razz:
 
AN 80 year old man told me this last week and I found it very funny.:clap::clap:
 
I wish people would make up their mind about what these flags mean.

2 weeks ago it was paedophiles
Last week it was bad drivers

This week small members.

:)

P.S. what about all women supporters flying car flags.
 
PsiFox said:
I wish people would make up their mind about what these flags mean.

2 weeks ago it was paedophiles
Last week it was bad drivers

This week small members.

:)

P.S. what about all women supporters flying car flags.
Click to expand...

they must have small penis's also :p
 
I don't understand what all this fuss is about with vuvuzelas ... I've bought 2 each for my kids ...

That'll teach the bitch of my ex-wife to get custody
 
The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!
 
Byker28i said:
I don't understand what all this fuss is about with vuvuzelas ... I've bought 2 each for my kids ...

That'll teach the bitch of my ex-wife to get custody
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol:

Gremlin said:
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!
Click to expand...

And :lol::lol::lol:
 
Rob Green was training earlier today and in 4 hours had 3000 shots fired at him and never conceded a goal. Tommorow Rob and Heskey will be training with the rest of the squad.
 
wisemen said:
Rob Green was training earlier today and in 4 hours had 3000 shots fired at him and never conceded a goal. Tommorow Rob and Heskey will be training with the rest of the squad.
Click to expand...

:lol::lol:
 
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an
Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was
Pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation
Or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of
Money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
The child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child,
He would also provide child support until the child
Turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
It discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
'Spaghetti'
On the back. He would then arrange for the child
Support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey!,' she

Said, 'you received a very strange
Post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it
Later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as
Her husband read the card, turned white,
And fainted.


On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.
 
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. A month later, they all got together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation"

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with Iv’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
 
Best joke of the year so far........
























ENGLAND.

HOW MUCH DO THESE GUYS EARN...........Over a million a week in wages for that team and they couldnt even string 2 passes together.
 
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him.........
 
Bloke walks into a brothel and says "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"

The Madam replies "£37.50".

He replies "WOW, what do I get for that?"

She says "An ENGLAND football shirt"
 
The following squads have just been announced for the 2010 World Cup


BRAZILIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Pinnochio

Libero

Vimto Memento Borneo Tango

Cheerio Subbuteo

Scenario Fellatio

Portfolio

SUBS:
Placebo
Porno
Polio
Banjo
Brasso
Stereo (L)
Stereo (R)
Hydrochlorofluoro
Aristotle
Computersezno

YUGOSLAVIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Itch

Annoyingitch Hardtoreachitch Scratchanitch

Hic Sic Spic Pric

Digaditch Fallinaditch

Horseraditch

SUBS:
Mowapitch
Letsgetrich
Shagabitch



RUSSIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Whodyanicabolicov

Ticlycov Chesticov Nasticov

Slalomsky Downhillsky

Risky Swedishshev Mastershev

****ov U****ov

SUBS:
Rubitov
Gechakitov
Sodov
Pastryshev
Najinsky
Ivorripa*******ov
Taykitov

ROMANIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Chatanoogaciouciou

Atishiou Blessiou Thankyiou

Busqueue Snookercu

Pennyciou Twoapennyciou Fourapennyciou

I'llgetciou Youandwhosarmi

SUBS:
U
NonU
ManU
Stuffyiou
Lee Kwan Yu



DANISH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Toomanigoalssen

Tryandstopussen Crapdefenssen Haveagossen

Firstsson Seccondsson

Thirdsson

Legshurtssen Notroubleseeingussen

Wherestheballssen Getthebeerssen

SUBS:
Howmanygoalsisthatssen
Finallygaveupcountinssen
Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen
Yourelatedtoalexfergusonssen

ITALIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Baloni

Potbelli Beerbelli Giveitsumwelli

Wotsontelli Yrarseissmelli Onetoomani

Legslikejelli Havabenni

Wobblijelli Spendapenni

SUBS:
Cantthinkofani!
Buggermi




MEXICAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

San Francisco

Costa Brava Hopelez Juan Andonly

Manuel Gearbox

Don Criformi-Argentina Skrewdigalz Luis Canon Sombrero

Chihuahua Jose

SUBS:
Jesus Maria Don Key
Burrito
Speedy Gonzalez
Tequila
Caramba

DUTCH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010



Kenning van Hire

Van Diemansland Van *** Valk Van Gard Van Erealdizeez

Ad van Tagus Hertz van Rental Transit van Dors

Van Coova Van Sprokendown Aye van Hoe

SUBS:
Van Iller
Van Ishincreme
Van Morrison

Two players who are not included are Russian hard-man Sendimov, who will be serving a three-month suspension, and the hard-working Mexican midfielder, Manuel Labor.

There is no place in the Dutch squad for les bian tranny, Dick van Dyke.

The young Dutch star Per Vert has been excluded from the squad, after he was discovered in the back streets of Amsterdam with his finger in a dyke.

GERMANY SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Kuntz

Kuntz Kuntz Kuntz Kuntz

Kuntz Kuntz Kuntz Kuntz

Kuntz

Kuntz





SUBS:
Kuntz
Kuntz
Kuntz
Kuntz
Kuntz
Kuntz
 
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