The great TP tips thread

This actually occurred about 30 years ago ,and I don't really think you wanna see a picture of of the offended items now .just envisage what happens to prunes, these days I can just about lift my legs up the stairs never mind the window ledge
 
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the black fox said:
This actually occurred about 30 years ago ,and I don't really think you wanna see a picture of of the offended items now .just envisage what happens to prunes, these days I can just about lift my legs up the stairs never mind the window ledge
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Oh now there's a mental image that's not going away any time soon! :eek:
 
dejongj said:
Wrap up warm when it's called (y)

When your portable electronic device gets wet, don't switch it on to see if it still works. Put it in a sandwich bag filled with rice and leave it to dry out.
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Don't post on TP when using voice recognition software without checking that Siri/Cortana has heard you correctly! Maybe her ears were blocked with water... ;) :P (PS, That was a TP Top Tip not a dig at a member's 2nd (or even further down the list) language skills.)
 
A couple for the men

1. Going for a pee directly after applying aftershave is not a good idea

2. Make sure your willy is inside your trousers before pulling your zip up
 
Keith W said:
2. Make sure your willy is inside your trousers before pulling your zip up
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I've witnessed a grown man scream like a little girl due to not heeding that one.
 
Do you mind. Each time I read about this I feel a little sick and dizzy. And it shrinks :(
 
Don't trust men who wear bright white trainers....and don't trust ladies who lunch.....

This piece of useful information has just been provided by old Fred in the pub....
 
archangel said:
Don't trust men who wear bright white trainers....and don't trust ladies who lunch.....

This piece of useful information has just been provided by old Fred in the pub....
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Please tell me more. My lady lunches everyday :eek:
 
Stop your car's engine when waiting at traffic lights. And start it quickly when they go green, so people will think you've got one of those fancy, modern BMWs or something.
 
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ianp5a said:
Stop your car's engine when waiting at traffic lights. And start it quickly when they go green, so people will think you've got one of those fancy, modern BMWs or something.
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Actually, that is a terrible tip. Components change for a stop start system including engine mapping such that it stops in the right position to start. If you do this to a non optimised engine you'll wear it out prematurely.
 
dejongj said:
Actually, that is a terrible tip. Components change for a stop start system including engine mapping such that it stops in the right position to start. If you do this to a non optimised engine you'll wear it out prematurely.
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Yes but when people hear the engine start when the light changes to green, you'll be the envy of all the other drivers with their less-than-new cars. Surely that is worth having bits falling off the engine!
 
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ianp5a said:
Yes but when people hear the engine start when the light changes to green, you'll be the envy of all the other drivers who are driving older cars. Surely that is worth having bits falling off the engine!
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Really? I couldn't give a toss what other people think of me, nor my cars.
 
ianp5a said:
Tried it have you?
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Understanding the technology behind it, and the damage it can do no. Just like I haven't tried jumping in a bath tub full of acid, or drive into a wall or many other things.
 
ianp5a said:
Stop your car's engine when waiting at traffic lights. And start it quickly when they go green, so people will think you've got one of those fancy, modern BMWs or something.
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I did this, but as my car is a Fiat it now won't start, so do you have any advice for getter the thing running again?

If you can answer soon as the bloke behind in an Audi is getting fairly annoyed :D
 
Well if you are going to be there a while, try this: Your cars aerial, when carefully folded, makes a handy coat hanger in an emergency.
 
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VERY USEFUL TIP: DON'T MENTION YOUR SISTER IN LAWS NAME WHILST MAKING LOVE TO YOUR WIFE....:eek: that's unless you want nothing left to catch in your zipper:D
 
archangel said:
VERY USEFUL TIP: DON'T MENTION YOUR SISTER IN LAWS NAME WHILST MAKING LOVE TO YOUR WIFE....:eek: that's unless you want nothing left to catch in your zipper:D
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That's called the "bronco ride". While mounted from behind, remark that "you're not as good as your sister" and hold on tight!
 
Damn I just felt queasy again :eek:
 
ianp5a said:
Stop your car's engine when waiting at traffic lights. And start it quickly when they go green, so people will think you've got one of those fancy, modern BMWs or something.
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Almost as good as, fool people into thinking you have those fancy wipers that start when it starts to rain ....
By switching your wipers on ... when it starts to rain
(also inspired by Viz)
 
Dave Semmens said:
Having had this happen to me (as a child ) I can say that the worst part is having to get the zip back down again
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Yep you just have to grin and bear (bare? :D ) it don't you?
 
dejongj said:
Actually, that is a terrible tip. Components change for a stop start system including engine mapping such that it stops in the right position to start. If you do this to a non optimised engine you'll wear it out prematurely.
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Marvin the paranoid android just popped into my mind....... No idea why :LOL:
 
OldCarlos said:
If you use lemon in cooking, just put a whole fresh one in your freezer & you can then take it out, grate off what you need & put it back until you next need it.
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In summer, freeze slices of lemon to give an instant twist and cooling effect to a G&T.
 
Put a few cans of beer/lager in the freezer for a couple of hours, then pour the stronger liquid content into a glass. :wacky:
 
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