The best one-liner?

Just seen my neighbour spraying Roundup all over his herb garden.
I said "What you up to Derek?"
He said "Oh just killing some thyme"
 
Dog limps into the saloon with one leg bandaged up. He pull out his six shooter, looks around and says....wait for it... "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw"
 
A white horse walks into a bar, the barman say's we have a drink named after you.
The horse says' what? Eric?

(Yeah I know, just as bad as Patrick's :D)
 
A horse walks into a bar, the barman say's "why the long face?"
 
DorsetDude said:
A horse walks into a bar, the barman say's "why the long face?"
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I was just getting round to that one :(

A man walks into a bad and said
Crap that hurt!
 
A man walks into a shop and asks to buy a bunch of flowers.
The lady at the counter says "This isnt a florists, its a circumcision clinic!"
The bloke says "You've got flowers in the window!"
The lady says "What do you suggest I put in the window?"

(not a one liner I know but hey ho)
 
E-flat walks into a bar, the barman says "Sorry, we dont serve minors"
 
Two old women were sitting on a park bench when a flasher flashed them. One had a stroke...the other couldn't reach.
 
A group of fonts walk into a bar. ‘Get out of my pub!’ shouts the barman. ‘We don’t serve your type in here.’
 
A man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm. ‘What would you like?’ asks the barman. The man replies, ‘A pint of beer and one for the road.’
 
A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a pub. The barman says, ‘Is this some kind of joke?’


Ok, thats enough :D
 
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking........
And then I saw her face
 
My wife and kids are leaving me, say I'm obsessed with horse racing. And they're at the gate. And they're off.
 
I said to my colleague "Can I have your broken abacus when you've finished with it?"
He said "I wouldn't count on it"
 
Not sure where I heard this one, but still makes me chuckle.

A man goes up to a dog and says, "Have you got the right time?", and the dog turns around and says, "Do you want to buy a cupboard?".

I'm actually chuckling to myself :)
 
Thats terrible :D
 
simon ess said:
Two snowmen in a field - one said to the other, "can you smell carrots"?
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Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says 'I hope you know how to drive this thing'
 
Two vultures eating a clown,
one turns to the other and says
"does this taste funny to you"?
 
bloke says to a girl in a bar - "you remind me of my big toe" , she says "why, because I'm small and cute ? " , and he says "no, because later when I'm drunk I'll be banging you on my coffee table"

saw a fat girl dancing on a table in our local, I looked at her and said "nice legs", she giggled and said "do you really think so ?" and I said "definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"
 
a man was bludgeoned to death with a weetabix earlier today , police believe it was the work of a cereal killer

another man drowned in a bowl of muesli ,. it's believed a strong currant pulled him under

a bomb has been planted at the aplhabeti spaghetti factory - police warn that its detonation could spell disaster
 
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one turns to the other, and says "can you smell fish?"
 
I went to a cannibal party last week. It was great - in fact I had a ball.

Used my step ladders to change a bulb yesterday. Well - I don't get on with my real ladders.
 
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A dyslexic walked into a bra.
 
The dyslexic Yorkshireman? He was wearing a catflap.
 
We don’t allow faster than light neutrinos in here, said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
 
woman asked a bar man for a double entendre - so he gave her one
 
DorsetDude said:
It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way @Cobra does.
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Oh no its doesn't I don't / can't play the stupid game.
No balls required on my part :p

Edit, ah OK i see what you mean now ;)
And that I am King of the club :)
 
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I'm fantastic in bed , at least 12 different positions a night... no one sleeps quite like i do
 
she wouldn't know as both my siblings and I were beauties
 
you know the sound of a truly satisfied woman after love making ?

no I didnt think so
 
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