The best one-liner?

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
 
Best one I heard was last night, and would apply to a lady who is a "colleague"...

"She would get f***ing lost halfway down a slide!" .... I am so going to steal that and use it!
 
Les Dawson has to be a one liner legend.

I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
 
A blind man walks into a bar.
And a table.
And a chair.
 
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
 
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
 
I'm writing a killer joke about coke addiction, just need one more line to finish it....
 
Cobra said:
Ok so what's green and goes red at the touch of a button?
Click to expand...


Kermit in a liquidiser?

:runaway:


Oops, caught out by the page 2 fairy!


:coat:


OK, OK I'm going....
 
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Conjunctivitis.com ; now there's a site for sore eyes.
 
I love going into pound shops and asking
"How much is this"?

Drives 'em nuts :D
 
I've got a few jokes about chimneys. The first ones on the house.
 
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to walk.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."
 
Just been down the ferry terminal, they've now got a board up with all the departures and arrivals on it. Sign of the times I suppose.
 
my boss called me today and told me i was getting a massive rise, company car, and a promotion, i was so suprised that i crashed the car.... seem's I careered off the road
 
Popped down to the local knocking shop last night but there was a note on the door. "We're closed, beat it!"
 
I'm doing well in the UK erection championships. Got to the semi's today.
 
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