The best one-liner?

I see this on:D twitter this morning, made me chuckle
 
Thanks to Tim Vine for that little chuckle, and I used to think that he sucked.
 
I like the line, but sadly still not Mr Vine.

My favourite one liner...can't remember who delivered it now...was about three years ago:

"I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't"
 
That was the king of the festival one-liners, voted number 1.
The other top ones were.....
  • 2nd "I've written a joke about a fat badger but I couldn't fit it into my set" [Masai Graham]
  • 3rd "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say. Which is why I lost my job in disaster relief" [Mark Watson]
  • 4th " I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with No. 1's and No.2's" :eek:[Bec Hill]
 
I also liked his previous one:- "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

There were some from Robin Williams that I chuckled at the other day:

“Do you think God gets stoned? I think so — look at the platypus.”
“You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married say, ‘It’s the same sex all the time.’ ”
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”
“I went to rehab in wine country, just to keep my options open.”
 
Farmerjim said:
That was the king of the festival one-liners, voted number 1.
The other top ones were.....
  • 2nd "I've written a joke about a fat badger but I couldn't fit it into my set" [Masai Graham]
  • 3rd "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say. Which is why I lost my job in disaster relief" [Mark Watson]
  • 4th " I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with No. 1's and No.2's" :eek:[Bec Hill]
Click to expand...

3 was a rip off from peter Kay
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade
 
'If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.'

'I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". ' - Jimmy Carr
 
didn't laugh at most of them - the scotland oil one however made me chuckle
 
Another Peter Kay one...

'I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs'
 
dinners said:
There were some from Robin Williams that I chuckled at the other day:

“Do you think God gets stoned? I think so — look at the platypus.”
“You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married say, ‘It’s the same sex all the time.’ ”
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”
“I went to rehab in wine country, just to keep my options open.”
Click to expand...

What I love about those, is all but one of them are from Live at the Met.
Funniest show ever, and 28 years later still has me in tears :lol: :lol:
 
Ian D J said:
Thanks to Tim Vine for that little chuckle, and I used to think that he sucked.
Click to expand...
:D

I must admit I rarely laugh at Tin Vine either, but the hoover did make me smile.
 
I like Tim Vine. A good old fashioned Brit comedian.
 
I think this is another from Tim Vine

We call our Grandad Spiderman 'cause he can't get out the bath.
 
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did…she's 21 and called Lucy.
 
chadders said:
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Click to expand...

Now daft as it is, that one make me laugh :lol:
 
chadders said:
My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did…she's 21 and called Lucy.
Click to expand...

My favourite all time life-long joke is this (it is a bit rude but it's more a like a male to male thing): How do you make your penis 14 inches long? Easy, just fold it in half.
 
Last edited:
Ian D J said:
My favourite all time life-long joke is this (it is a bit rude but it's more a like a male to male thing): How do you make your penis 14 inches long? Easy, just fold it in half.
Click to expand...

Reminds me of a conversation in the Rockhouse, Derby, in my younger days ;)
 
I never forget a face , but in your case I'd be pleased to make an exception (Groucho)
 
'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who do like country music, denigrate means 'put down'
 
I saw Mark Watson on preview weekend. I think he's great but the show was weaker than he normally is. I do like the fact that when you go into one of his shows he's always already on stage doing something random.
 
I've always been chaste, but I generally let them catch me
 
If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from the Vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
 
chadders said:
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from the Vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
Click to expand...


:D
 
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. A t first I was afraid...then I was petrified
 
As we are posting golden oldies ................
what's green and smells of pork?
 
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow

this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."



Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
 
chadders said:
If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from the Vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
Click to expand...

:D So going to steal that one.
 
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