There is a whole thread on my football club forum (CPFC) called 'Have you ever poohed yourself in pubic'. It is possible one of the best reads... EVER!
http://www.cpfc.org/forums/showthread.php?t=174863&highlight=poohed
And one of my favourites from the aforementioned thread....
It was 2000, my 2nd year at University in Leicester.
There is a famed curry house in Leicester, probably still there, called the Akash, up the road from the station. Upon showing your student ID for some ridiculous amount of money like £3.50 you could have a 3 course Indian. The main consequence of this was the terrible affliction that would rear it's head to those who partook... the 'Akash Dash'.
My mate Hankins experienced the worst 'Akash Dash' ever recorded. We got back around to our house around 10pm. Hankins looked a little pasty after his extra spicy Bhuna. Come 3am my housemates and i were woken with an eeire moaning coming from the bathroom. A couple of us ventured out to see what was up. Hankins' bedroom door was open and down the hall, on the cream carpet, were several spatters of brown liquid. Still didn't click.
We knocked on the bathroom door and asked if he was alright. 'Lads, my arse has exploded' was his response. He needed help. I put my shoulder through the door and we burst in to the following sight -
* Hankins lying semi-conscious face up on the floor, just in a dressing gown (fully opened) with what can only be described as the devil's gravy smeared down his legs.
* The walls, floor and for some reason the bath had been pebble dashed with the macabre contents of his bowels.
* A smell worse than death
In the end we had to call an ambulance and he was in hosiptal for 2 days! He literally couldn't stop *****ting. It was hilarious and horrific in equal measure.
Not only had he successfully repainted the bathroom, dappled the nice cream carpets along 10m of landing, but he had also had the worst attack while still in bed, ruining the mattress and everything.
He said he remembered waking up with the sweats feeling like a red hot poker was inserted into his anus. He instinctively pushed a little to relieve pressure and followed through with 6 gallons of satan's mess all over his sheets. The next think he properly remembers is waking up in hospital. I however will never forget the sights and smells.
