Some jokes

Matt Sayle

Matt Sayle

2017MSA Young Photographer of the Year(Motorsport)
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Matt Sayle
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I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to
check her balance.
So I pushed her over.


A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, "you've all got one
minute to get out!"
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, "you b*****d!"

I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
shuttlecocks. Bad minton. (:coat:)
 
Yep your title stays :thumbs:
 
Pffft! lightweight!
 
Matt Sayle said:
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to
check her balance.
So I pushed her over.


A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, "you've all got one
minute to get out!"
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, "you b*****d!"

I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
shuttlecocks. Bad minton. (:coat:)
Click to expand...

:gag:

:lol:
 
What d'ya call a fly with no wings?

A walk!!


A chap rushes into a pub, says to the bar PERSON (!!) "quick, gimme a double whiskey".
So they do. He gulps in down in 2 seconds flat.
He says, "another, quick".
Same again, gone in seconds.
He says, "quick, another".
This happens another two times, when the bar person say, "Christ man, you're knocking them back fast".
The drinker says "so would you if you had what I've got".
Bar person says "why what have you got?"
Drinker says "£1.25"

3 race horses sat at the bar, having a pint.
Bar person says "hey guys, what's with the long faces?"

:D:D:D

A tiger goes up to the bar and says "can I have a pint of ......................................... lager please?"

Bar person says "what's with the big paws?"
(Geddit, paws-pause!!)
 
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OMG.... this thread is rapidly turning into a contest to see who can come up with the most cringeworthy ''jokes'' :lol:
 
I keep getting barred from internet dating sites.

The last one told me that when answering the question " what do you like in a woman?" that "my dick" was not an appropiate reply.




I'll get my coat
 
In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals.
The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered. Now the farmer took the incident very seriously, so he started an investigation. Unfortunately, the only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.
Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered his little pig, the farmer lined up his four prime suspects, a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck, and told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the dirty deed.
The rabbit hopped up and down the line, checking each animal, and then finally hopped forward three feet, and stopped in front of the goat.
"It wasn't me! It was't me!" yelled the goat.
The farmer shook his head and said, "hare's looking at you, kid."
 
A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.
"I've locked myself out of my car." replies the man.
"That's not a problem," replied the passer-by, "Step out of the way, and let me have a look."
The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in it letting the man try. So the passer-by turns around, and rubs his legs slowly up and down the driver"s door. Suddenly, the lock opens and the man turns and opens the car door.
"That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?"
"It's easy," replies the pedestrian, "I'm wearing khaki trousers."
 
MG TF 135 said:
I keep getting barred from internet dating sites.

The last one told me that when answering the question " what do you like in a woman?" that "my dick" was not an appropiate reply.




I'll get my coat
Click to expand...

:eek:
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
 
Flash In The Pan said:
In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals.
The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered. Now the farmer took the incident very seriously, so he started an investigation. Unfortunately, the only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.
Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered his little pig, the farmer lined up his four prime suspects, a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck, and told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the dirty deed.
The rabbit hopped up and down the line, checking each animal, and then finally hopped forward three feet, and stopped in front of the goat.
"It wasn't me! It was't me!" yelled the goat.
The farmer shook his head and said, "hare's looking at you, kid."
Click to expand...

Flash In The Pan said:
A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.
"I've locked myself out of my car." replies the man.
"That's not a problem," replied the passer-by, "Step out of the way, and let me have a look."
The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in it letting the man try. So the passer-by turns around, and rubs his legs slowly up and down the driver"s door. Suddenly, the lock opens and the man turns and opens the car door.
"That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?"
"It's easy," replies the pedestrian, "I'm wearing khaki trousers."
Click to expand...

:nuts:
:bonk:

:cuckoo:

:lol:
 
What's a Wombat for?....

.... playing Wom!

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?...

... DAM!

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?...

... a nervous wreck!

Sorry :(
 
Don't worry about getting your coats. I've already got mine.

:p
 
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