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archamedes

archamedes

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Dave
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its getting really annoying going to our town centre, I'm not a people person at the best of times, people annoy me and i get social anziety attacks when in crowds. However I have devised a plan to make going into public more enjoyable for myself. Mainly screwing with those that tend to bother me when walking down the street. in pretty much any town centre you will always find the clipboard terrorists or the charity muggers. You can't go anywhere without getting cornered or stopped by someone with a clipboard wanting you to do a survey about terrorism, or a charity trying to get you to hand over cash for the rainforest. So I am going to give you all a run down of how my dark and somewhat questionable sense of humor really makes people try to avoid me in the future.

1. Clipboard Terrorists.

The other week I tried to avoid one of these by walking round her, only to be tag teamed by her co worker who was trained to snag those who try to escape the dreaded survey. The survey was about how i felt about child abuse. My reply was...

"oh yes I'm for it in a big way, please tell me more, spare no details." Now that my friends is what i call a survey stopper.

2. Charity muggers
Same princible as the clipboard terrorists, only difference is these people don't want to waste 15 minutes of your life when you are usually in a hurry, no, they want your money. Anyhow this poor unfortunate soul wanted me to part with money so that they could set up a well for a village in africa so natoomba didn't have to walk 25 miles a day to get water from the river... My Response

" I do not wish to help in this matter, alough i do feel sorry for poor Natoomba, I think the solution for this would be to get her husband to get off his lazy ass and build a village next to the river rather than 25 miles inland."

Not really a solution to the problem i guess what with dysentry and water borne bacteria in rivers, kinda the point of the well, but seriously why set up camp bloody miles away from any water source?

3. The Sales Reps
I hate these people with a passion. These are the guys who stand around in suits trying to collar members of the public for goods and services we really don't need or want, they are so good that they don't even have an office to terrorise you with phone calls. You don't want to get caught into a conversation with these people because they are good at pressure selling their way into getting what they want from you, so the solution is usually a quick and to the point answer. I got stopped by a rep for "love film" you know the dvd company that sends you films through the post. here was my reply

"Sorry, I download all my films illegally from file sharing sites."

Not only was he absolutly stunned that i confessed to such a thing, he quickly realised that there was absolutly sod all he could do or convince me that parting with my money would be better than what i can get for free.

4. The Tramps
Every town has them. They usually sit on the floor with a manky dog, a cup and a sign asking for change. Well, we have one of these and this fool asked me if i had any spare change. Are you ready for this? I actually used this line from one of jimmy Carr's jokes

"first eat the dog, then we'll talk."

I can honestly say it is really not recommended to say that to a homeless guy, but i thought it was funny so why shouldn't he?

There you go. Deal with annoying people by really being offensive and eventually they leave you alone, i do recommend that you are quick on your feet if you do overstep the mark, because some people do actually take you seriously, when all you are doing is screwing with their head.
 
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As annoying these people are, you come across asd a really nice bloke! :D :p
 
Oh i really am a nice person, good with my family and friends and there isnt a bad bone in my body, but i just like to use dark humor on unsuspecting people who tend to annoy me.
 
I find it much simpler just to go round looking like a tramp who been dragged through a hedge backwards. Nobody bothers me :)
 
Dave, made my morning reading this.

I watch my 'Local tramp' leave his house with his blanket over his arm and small dog in tow and walk about a mile to sit outside the local Comet and beg all day.

BTW forgot to say that is the Basildon Comet if anyone wants to go and help him.
 
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I have got so fed up with it that all of the niceties have stopped. I just end up swearing at them. I know I shouldn't but there are so many of the barstools littering londons streets who all want my money for some reason or another it makes me angry.
 
I tend to just ignore all these annoying people and just pretend they are not there. I find that even if you say "no thanks" it can sometimes encourage them to be more pushy. (like replying to a spam email asking them to stop emailing you would be a good analogy)
 
I just do what I do when I get unsolicited calls. I talk Greek to them. Works every time. Some try to understand what I am saying for a few seconds wondering if I am actually speaking in English and it is the accent they cannot understand before either hanging up or walking away from me... :) works every time!
 
We get a lot of tele sales trying to get us to advertise on a notice board or wall chart type of thing. My reply is " If you wan't to use my company name on your product we charge £500 per year which gives you the right for display our company name for one year".
Double glazing quick reply " tell you what, you install the double glazing in my property and let us try it out first before we decide to buy or not"

Internet sales trying to get one to spend money to get company name on top of list/search engine etc. Generally we reply " you found our web site ok, so do others, so our web site already works"

Realspeed
 
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ah now those are my kind of responses to these people.. :lol:

it reminds me of the joke about when getting stopped in superdrug and getting asked what grooming products you use..

im sure my sense of humour will get me in to trouble some day.
 
Are you trolling here?
 
Just wait for the charity collectors to rattle their tin or bucket and then swoop and threaten to report them to the police.

The look on their face is priceless! :lol:
 
some people may think its going a bit too far and is probably uncalled for, i mean i'm no ian beale or paul robinson, but for years and years i kind of just put up with them and on some occasions got stuck with the survey women because i felt i had to or it was rude to just walk past. Now i just had enough and love it when someone makes eye contact with me i just think "do you really know how much of a bad day you're going to have if you try to stop me?"
 
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Just walk on by - no eye contact - they will quickly chase someone else.
 
Urgh - the ones that seem to be the bain of life at the moment have got to be the talk talk posse.

I was at a show at the NEC and had to get a photo for my pass, so driving round Birmingham I went into a morrisons supermarket for booth shots for me and the girl I was with. After the first attempt when the machine ate our money, a massive headache coming on and waiting a stupidly long amount of time for our photos we eventually picked them up and left. By the door the talk talk people had a little gauntlet set up. I could see them a mile off and they were applying timeshare tactics to try and create rapport but in a really feeble way. Pour example;
Are you two married? oh wow thats cool have you got a minute....
I love your shoes where did you get them from? brilliant have you considered.....

So they saw me, having a bad day and started. Now I am a sales professional and have in the past sold timeshare (I was young!) and worked exhibitions and done a lot of cold work so I reckon I was qualified enough to give critique;

"you two make a lovely couple, would you like to save money on your mobile and broadband"

At which point I really did lose my cool. What f***** cheap boneheaded christmas cracker did you get that line from??!! what are you thinking? what are you doing? call yourself a sales person you make me sick, your an amateur, you are wanting. This isn't a good career move for you unless you woke up this morning, had a bowl of stupid and milk and decided you wanted to be a loser. I've sacked better people then you from my sales team. You are lacking direction, get a profession behind you and a trade because you can't sell. Try the buses, become a diesel fitter as cold hard engines might find you cute. I just find you an annoying dissapointment.......

and my rant and career guidance continued whilst said wannabe had a desaturate applied to his face, gradually shrunk and then just ran off.

The worst place I've been to for getting pestered is Mexico, but then again just smiling and shaking your head normally works.
 
cw318is said:
At which point I really did lose my cool. What f***** cheap boneheaded christmas cracker did you get that line from??!! what are you thinking? what are you doing? call yourself a sales person you make me sick, your an amateur, you are wanting. This isn't a good career move for you unless you woke up this morning, had a bowl of stupid and milk and decided you wanted to be a loser. I've sacked better people then you from my sales team. You are lacking direction, get a profession behind you and a trade because you can't sell. Try the buses, become a diesel fitter as cold hard engines might find you cute. I just find you an annoying dissapointment.......

and my rant and career guidance continued whilst said wannabe had a desaturate applied to his face, gradually shrunk and then just ran off.
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:clap: :lol:
 
1) They ask; "Can I ask you a question?" My answer is "Well, you just have!"
2) Sales pitches (including god botherers generally get met with "I've already got one and it's very nice."
3) Double glazing on the doorstep... "Well, as you can see, we've already got it, so no! Now, go away before I tell you the same thing but less politely."
4) On the phone, I ask for their home phone number and what time they eat their evening meal, so I can call them when it's inconvenient and ask them stupid questions while lying aboiut my name and location.

Milk of human kindness? Turned to yoghurt last time I got cold called!
 
neil_g said:
ah now those are my kind of responses to these people.. :lol:

it reminds me of the joke about when getting stopped in superdrug and getting asked what grooming products you use..

im sure my sense of humour will get me in to trouble some day.
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2 x Traffic Light lollypops, a bag of Sherbet Dabs and a Barbie Doll? :eek: :D
 
My nan keeps a whistle by the phone, especially for the cold callers :lol::D
 
Use to get them a lot in Derby, never seen any in Skipton. I just resorted to saying "I am sorry I don't speak English" by the time they worked it out I was far enough away. Doesn't work if they remember your face though.
 
Simple answer for telesales, its been putting a smile on my face for a couple of years now.

Your challenge, if you accept, is to try and sell a chicken, ( or quantity thereof ), to the next person phoning you.
If they are a vegetarian, point out that dont have to eat it, they can keep it as a pet, and/or soulmate
If they dont like chickens they can give it to someone as a gift. etc.

Just see how long you can keep the phone call going before ultimately taking that 16 digit number from them.

Your will probably get to the point when you look forward to telesales calls.

:)
 
classic. We had some electricity co round the other night to sell us electricity.

"um, thanks but I already have some."
"are you happy with it?"
"yep., Ecstatic. Look I press this switch, it gets dark. I press it again and it gets light."
"well ours is better."
"Better?"
"Yes."
"How?"
"um....."
"Look this is instantaneous. Who did you say you were from again?"
"E-on"
"Do you have a database of existing customers?"
"I dunno."
"Well find out, and when yuo find out, check to see if this address is on it."
"Errr........."

Shut door.
 
menthel said:
I have got so fed up with it that all of the niceties have stopped. I just end up swearing at them. I know I shouldn't but there are so many of the barstools littering londons streets who all want my money for some reason or another it makes me angry.
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Agreed. The main problem I have in Glasgow is the people asking for money and sometimes they actually follow you around. When I was younger I was really quite timid and I'd cough up sometimes stupid amounts of money out of fear of being beaten up. Now I tell them to **** right off; I had one who asked for money because "the train driver wouldn't let them on" - durh, do they think I'm that stupid, train "drivers" don't have anything to do with passengers. So I told her to get the **** away from me or I'd get nasty. It works.
 
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I just ignore street-sellers - they're only trying to put food the table so I don't judge them too harshly. Besides, I'm sure they've heard it all before.
 
Nod said:
4) On the phone, I ask for their home phone number and what time they eat their evening meal, so I can call them when it's inconvenient and ask them stupid questions while lying aboiut my name and location.
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Best way to deal with them is to ask them to hold on a minute as you just want to take something off the stove and you would love to hear about his mobile phone deals, then put the phone on the side (I put it next to a surround sound speaker) and then leave the sod to listen to the TV until he/she gets tired.

They don't like to hang up as it is bad for their figures, longest one I've had is about half an hour. Could hear the quizzical "but I can hear Emmerdale, they must be there" as he complained to someone else in the call centre.
 
lol another one i forgot was when i was in a club a few years ago, back when you could smoke in public places. Theres me off my rocker with a fat roll up hanging out my mouth, and some drunk guy comes up to me and asked "av you got a spare fag, please?" I just said "sorry, i don't smoke." took a deep drag and spaz'd off towards the dance floor.
 
archamedes said:
"av you got a spare fag, please?" I just said "sorry, i don't smoke." took a deep drag and spaz'd off towards the dance floor.
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LOL there are some great responses here :thumbs:
my stock answer to that is "no they are all accounted" for :D
Glad to see the "Mabe response" getting another airing :thumbs:
makes me smile every time I see that :D
 
oh cold callers are the best ones.............. even though we signed up for the telephone no cold calling things years back............

If they are, how can i say this politically correctly, "obviously from the country where the Taj Mahal is" but working for a UK company, and more irritatingly insist they are called Louise or James or Matthew (or similar English/European name) just throw in loads of random stuff, purely to get them "offf script" (as in - lose where they are on the questioning on the computer screen.........)

"So.. Mr Smith, who are you currently insured with"
"Does it get dark at night where you are?"
"I am sorry"
"why are you apologising?"
"I'm not"
"You are"
"No."
"Look, you told me this call is recorded, it will quite clearly record you saying sorry, so what are you saying sorry for?"
"I meant sorry as in..."
"Well sorry can only really mean one thing. An apology. So why are you apologising"
"well..."
"so does it?"
"does it what?"
"get dark at night"
"of course. It does everywhere."
"I think you'll find that's incorrect, if you were to go to N Finland in summer, it would be light all the while"
"Anyway what car are you driving?"
"I'm not. I'm talking to you, and we're still trying to establish whether it gets dark there at night. Do you have bats there?"

My personal record, as nothing better to do (sad) is well over an hour


Or another top trick is to really upset them by using "YOUR" version of the NATO phonetic alphabet, especially using words that can sound similar......... or the most random combination ever............

"you want be registration number?. It's Gulfstream Cookaburra Zero Nine Giraffe Rhinocerous Skyscaper"

none of this alpha, bravo malarky..............

;-)
 
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When I was a student 20 years ago a woman in Kirkcaldy town centre asked if I could say Gouranga.
I replied "yes, yes I can!" she wasnt impressed.
I laughed and walked off.
I agree that if you often give sales people a "no thankyou", merely because you are being polite they seem to treat that as an 'in'.

I can't stand cold callers and I even have a sticker on my door saying that we wont buy anything at the door. We still get these *****tards, about once a week. The latest ones all seem to be asking if we have used a grant for insulation. Shame they can't read!
 
Lynton said:
My personal record, as nothing better to do (sad) is well over an hour
;-)
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:thumbs: Very public spirited of you
keeps them off the back of others :D

I had one recently,
Hello is that Mrxxxx
(before I go much further I will add that although not really an uncommon surname
our ethnic brethren do seem unable to pronounce it properly ;))
So I said no, but it must be you he said.
We played this game for a bit them he said there has been
an accident recently recorded to that address,
so then I played the no the house hasn't moved etc for a bit longer
( I did have a low speed accident recently, side swiped while parked)

Eventually I let him get to the point of the call,
He was from a compensation claim firm (I guessed this already)
I just bid him a good night and put the phone down
30 secs later he was on the phone asking why I hung up?

Well I guess it was time to tell the truth
I just told him that he and his company were a bunch of ****ing parasites
and they are the reason the my ****ing insurance premiums are so high!

I guess the truth hurts, he never did phone back after that.
Also I hope that he was recording the call and it was going to be used for
training purposes :D

 
i find the best way to get away from sales people (on the phone or on the street) is to confuse them, for example:

1. telesales call from BT or another phone company trying to get me to switch suppliers for phone line
me- "i dont have a home phone"
them- "but didnt i call you on a landline number?"
me- "i don't have one so you can't have, bye!"

this also works when you get calls on your mobile trying to sell you a contract, telling them you dont have a mobile phone both confuses and astonishes them

2. double glazing salesmen, i usually tell them
me- "i dont have any windows"
them- "what about doors?"
me- "nope, dont have them either, i live in a tent."
this gives me enough time to walk away whilst they scratch their heads

3. clipboard vultures trying to get money for some charity or another. i just tell them i dont have a credit or debit card and as they aren't allowed to take monetary donations on the street then i cant give them anything. This one is true though, i dont have a credit or debit card
 
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