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u8myufo

u8myufo

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These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ******** me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
We may as well have a re-airing of the complaints to the council housing department:

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."
 
:lol: at all of them
but
PMSL @
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
 
Old, but beautifully formed. Gave me a good giggle.
 
When asked if he had anything to say for himself, a defendant took out a packet of cigarettes, flipped open the top and spoke into it... "Beam me up, Scotty." He got an extra 3 months...
 
And of course when the defendant was asked if he had anything to say,
he said "**** all, M'lud"
The judge turned to the Clerk and asked "what did he say"?
the Clerk replied "**** all" M'lud.

The Judge said, "thats weird, I'm sure I saw his lips moving"!
 
viv1969 said:
Old, but beautifully formed. Gave me a good giggle.
Click to expand...

I had heard anything old but beautifully formed made you giggle Ruth :D
 
u8myufo said:
I had heard anything old but beautifully formed made you giggle Ruth :D
Click to expand...

You're not too ill to get a kick in the goolies Rich :bat: :lol:
 
I always like the insurance accident report ones

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

And my personal favourite

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it." :lol:

Steve
 
They may be old but I love these. I'm now very glad all 3 types are in one thread. :D
 
I have an old BDC yearbook which contains most of the insurance claims - the book dates from the '50s! (IIRC - could be earlier!)
 
steve_v said:
And my personal favourite

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it." :lol:

Steve
Click to expand...

Jasper Carrot....classic :lol:
 
A few church notice ones as well:

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor."

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" please see the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
 
How about the flight one's from pilots reports to ground engineers?
--

Actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.



Squawk: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

Reply: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


Squawk: Test flight OK, except Autoland very rough.

Reply: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.


Squawk: #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

Reply: #2 propeller seepage normal.

Squawk: #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Reply: (none)



Squawk: The Autopilot doesn’t.

Reply: IT DOES NOW!


Squawk: Something loose in cockpit.

Reply: Something tightened in cockpit.


Squawk: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.

Reply: Evidence removed.


Squawk: #3 engine missing.

Reply: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



Squawk: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Reply: Volume set to more believable level.

Squawk: Dead bugs on windshield.

Reply: Live bugs on order.


Squawk: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces 200-FPM descent.

Reply: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



Squawk: IFF inoperative.
Reply: IFF inoperative in "OFF" mode.

Squawk: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Reply: That’s what they’re there for.



Squawk: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Reply: Suspect you're right.

Squawk: Aircraft handles funny.
Reply: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Squawk: Target Radar hums.
Reply: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

Squawk: Mouse in cockpit.
Reply: Cat installed.
 
I'll add a few i have found over the years ....

How Fights Start....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
----------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
----------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
----------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
----------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....
----------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
----------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
----------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
----------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
----------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
 
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