Nursery rhymes for the 21st century

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In today's modern age, the nursery rhymes of yesteryear seem outdated. These are the new, approved versions for modern times:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won 10 grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh *****, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
..But she didn't wear that one very often.
:D
 
ha ha. love the last one!!!
 
Very good - found some more:

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man 'What have u got there?' Said the pie man unto Simon Pies you d*ckhead.


Mary had a little lamb it ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its a*se and turned its wool to nylon.
 
LOL @ dod.

Love the first one too :D
 
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