Wha's Like Us - Damn Few And They're A' Deid
The average Englishman, in the home he calls his castle, slips into his national costume, a shabby raincoat, patented by chemist Charles Macintosh from Glasgow, Scotland. En route to his office he strides along the English lane, surfaced by John Macadam of Ayr, Scotland.
He drives an English car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland, arrives at the station and boards a train, the forerunner of which was a steam engine, invented by James Watt of Greenock, Scotland. He then pours himself a cup of coffee from a thermos flask, the latter invented by Dewar, a Scotsman from Kincardine-on-Forth.
At the office he receives the mail bearing adhesive stamps invented by James Chalmers of Dundee, Scotland.
During the day he uses the telephone invented by Alexander Graham Bell, born in Edinburgh, Scotland.
At home in the evening his daughter pedals her bicycle invented by Kirkpatrick Macmillan, blacksmith of Dumfries, Scotland.
He watches the news on his television, an invention of John Logie Baird of Helensburgh, Scotland, and hears an item about the U.S. Navy, founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland.
He has by now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation he picks up the Bible only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot, King James VI, who authorised its translation.
Nowhere can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots.
He could take to drink, but the Scots make the best in the world.
He could take a rifle and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick of Pitfours, Scotland.
If he escapes death, he might then find himself on an operating table injected with penicillin, which was discovered by Alexander Fleming of Darvel, Scotland, and given an anaesthetic, which was discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland.
Out of the anaesthetic, he would find no comfort in learning he was as safe as the Bank of England founded by William Paterson of Dumfries, Scotland.
Perhaps his only remaining hope would be to get a transfusion of guid Scottish blood which would entitle him to ask "Wha’s Like Us".
I too can cut and paste...
Ho this is a good one, let me compose you a fitting answer.
The Average Englishman?
The average Englishman, in his home he calls his house - does not put on a shabby Raincoat patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotland, only the drunken Scots down the pub, and the perverts wear those. All his clothes are made on machines designed by Englishmen, Thomas Cromford, Richard Arkwright and Edmund Cartwright.
He drives a car fitted with tyres, which may have been invented by invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland. Or may not, Dunlop, like most of his fellow Scots had deserted the ‘auld country’ to work in Glorious England, in this case it was at Manchester, and he was using the invention of Charles Goodyear. Who in 1847 invented a vulcanisation process for rubber - an invention that also revolutionised transport as it led to the development of pneumatic tyres. Charles was born in New Haven, Connecticut, of English parents. Anyway, he prefers to travel by Jet aircraft to work, an invention of Sir Frank Whittle, rather than use the Train, which was invented by Thomas Newcomen.
At the office he receives his mail with postage stamps which, still bear the Queen of England's head, a product developed by Sir Rowland Hill - English educator, inventor, and postal reformer.
During the day he uses the computer invented by Charles Babbage. Although born in London, Babbage came from an old Totnes (Devon) family. Of course Alan Turin first built the machine around 1945. Oh he was English too.
At home in the evening he watches his daughter Hoover the front room, with a machine invented by James Dyson, whilst listening to the radio, built and invented by Trevor Baylis
And calculates (on the calculator developed Clive Sinclair) how much money he has saved on batteries.
He would not be able to watch anything on TV if it hadn't been for Charles Parsons whom developed the electric generator. He not interested about the U.S. Navy since he used to serve in the Royal Navy, created by King Alfred the Great. He is also too educated to worry about the ideas within the Bible, since he completed his degree at Oxford, and his doctorate at Cambridge - the worlds finest universities.
He likes a drop of Gin and Tonic, or some nice cider - even a good real ale, a Saxon invention. Then the late film comes on the BBC, its Braveheart, played by an Australian, and it fails to show Robert the Bruce as a Norman, whose real name was Robert De Bloice, but the Scots could not pronounce that lol.
Of course he has one worry, its that all those blasted Scots who won’t go home, are mucking up his glorious Parliament, (another English Invention) despite the fact that we have given them their own building, I suppose they just like it so much here in England, that they don’t want to go home to that cold damp climate.
