More relationship woes.....

[Gandhi]

So what is it? The f'in weather or something?

It's all far too hideously complicated to detail it all here but basically I threw my g/f of two years out on friday as I found out she's been developing a relationship with one of my friends.

Nothing physical had happened but I'm sure it was only a matter of time.

Ok, things between us haven't been fantastic for 6 months or so but we've been working through it and things had been getting better, slowly but surely. A lot of this was due to the fact that she's been dealing with a lot of emotional stuff brought about by recovering from a cocaine addiction, her parents seperation as her dad was a violent alcoholic and post-traumatic stress disorder form her motorbike accident a year ago.

The other party is someone I've considered one of my closest friends for 15 years, so you can imagine how angry I was at her for destroying our friendship and at him for being a seditious, low life, disloyal piece of ****. Quite frankly, at the moment, he's lucky to still be alive and have a job/not be in prison as I know a few personal details about him that all it would take is a quick phone call and his life would fall apart. But I'm better than that, aren't I?

Anyway, cutting to the chase.

She's been in touch via her mother and says that she wants me to take her back, it was only a stupid crush etc etc etc.

So do I?

I do love her desperately but I don't feel that I'll ever be able to trust her again. I believe she's genuinely sorry and does still love me but is that enough?

I just don't know at the moment.







Sorry for burdening you all with my woes, I'm not looking sympathy, just some good honest advice really.

 

[Betty]

Jesus, sorry to hear it

From experience, if shes done it once, she'll do it again. No sympathy, thats my honest advice.

 

[Borats Baby]

I wouldn't take her back mate !!

Obviously we dont know the full story here, but in my opinion, new girl, fresh start.

As betty says, she's done it once, she'll do it again, maybe not for several years, but someday !!

 

[KayJay]

Jesus, sorry to hear it

From experience, if shes done it once, she'll do it again. No sympathy, thats my honest advice.

I agree, and it'll always be in the back of your head.

 

[InaGlo]

Awww! Spencer
I know your pain having been on both sides of the fence.
I dont think anyone can really advise what to do without knowing you both personally.
She could be truly sorry, and still love you, and with a little time, it will all work out.
She could however be sorry for merely being caught and not want to face the changes in her life that it will now bring about.

Maybe talk things through, and then put a little space between you for a while.
It will help soften those raw emotions & help you both see a little more clearly which is the way forward for you both, and if you still need & want each other it will become even more apparent with time, not less.
I realise Im probably saying what you already know here, but just wanted to say Im feeling for you, and good luck.

 

[dellipher]

I'm sorry.
I always said to my ex-boyfriend, that if I found out you've been cheating on me, the first time I find out will be the last time I find out. And I dumped him. [he had been cheating on me since we'd been together but he was just a good liar]

Both your friend, and your girlfriend are in the wrong. And if you take back one into your life, then its unfair to victimise, and the onyl fair thing would be to take back both into your life.

I personally couldnt and wouldnt do it. Mainly because I wouldnt trust her. And as soon as trust is gone out of a relationship....there really isnt anything else left. No matter how much you love them.

My boyfriend after the cheater, lied to me on more than one occasion. I didnt trust him...so he went too.

And I learnt, that sometimes love just aint enough.

 

[foz]

sorry to hear that mate, women are trouble and ive had my fair share of being screwed over...

lets just say that my first "serious" gf cheated on me with my best mate.. that was 7 years ago and after i broke things off with her for the sake of my friendship with my mate they got together and have been ever since.

Sometimes its hard to do that, and its affected me ever since as I just cant trust women any longer.

I wouldnt take her back mate, for the same reasons as mentioned by others, if its meant to be then something will draw you back together, if not then move on.

 

[Gandhi]

thanks for the feedback peeps.

I think I'm gonna give it some time and mull it over a bit before I make any life-changing decisions!

In the meantime I'm off down the pub to enjoy my new-found singledom!

p.s. At least I can watch the end of euro 08 in peace now!

 

[Gofer]

Don't let your heart rule you head.

 

[Woodsy]

^^^ I couldn't agree more.

One thing I always remember my dad telling me was "look after number one"

Now that doesn't mean don't look after other people, not at all. However when going through something like this, you gotta take a step back and consider everything before making any decisions.

One side of me says, pfft, she's done it once... what will stop her the next time? However, the other side of me still harbours some faith in people, and with that in mind, if someone really is sorry for what they have done and will learn from the experiance, then they deserve another chance.

Your mate sounds like he deserves a good kicking. Though, Like you say, you are better than that. Don't tell anyone anything about him, and don't spill the beans etc. This will only lower yourself. Now, I'm not religious or supersticious (SP?), but I do believe in karma. I believe that the world has an odd way of equillibriating things at the end of the day. He has f***** up here, but doing anything directly about it will only lower yourself. Rest assured in the belief that he will get what is coming to him in one way or another.

As for you mate, just look after number one. Give yourself time to make any decisions and be sure that when you do, they are the right ones for you.

It hurts, it sucks and can feel like an eternity untill you will feel "normal" again. That said, it does happen so for now just take it easy.

feel free to add me to msn or what ever if ya want.

 

[mrgubby]

I'd sooner have her back than the so called friend

She has been your GF for 2 years and developed a crush, it happens :nono:

BUT he has been your friend for 15 years & should have known better

 

[wilmorh]

its not a decision made lightly. Some people have full on affairs, get caught out, and the original relatkionship recovers and continues, for others its a case of no return.

They should both know better, and it must be heartreaking, but at least nothing physical happened between them.

Good luck with your decision making, it can't be easy

xx

 

[foodpoison]

To add to Woodsy's post, I have to agree about the rule of look after number 1.
Not being religious either, but in the bible I believe jesus was quoted to say, "remove the log from your own eye, before removing the stick from someone else's."

 

[Woodsy]

^^^ Hah! like it

 

[hepburn]

Relationships are all about trust so I wouldn't revisit one where it's broken down the way yours has. Consider it a lucky escape.

oh, and it's not all gloom and doom around here when it comes to relationships. Give yourself some healing space and i've no doubt you'll meet someone you'll care about even more!

 

[F-Stop]

I've been in a situation similar minus the addictions. Trust me. Unfaithful once. Unfaithful always. I took her back... twice. Lived and learned.

 

[hepburn]

Trust me. Unfaithful once. Unfaithful always.

Couldn't agree more, although i'm sure some people go through stages and reform once they meet the right person. There again, some don't and end up on daytime chav TV shows...

 

[Woodsy]

Trust me. Unfaithful once. Unfaithful always.

Forgive me, not that I wish to steal the thunder from what happened to you, because I sincerely (SP?) hope it never happens to me, and more the to the point, would not wish it upon anyone... but is it not possible that there are people out there that learn from their mistakes? (rare, yes I accept that, but possible?) I don't wish to cause an argument... but there must be some out there that realise what they have done?

 

[CraigF]

Takes 2 to tango m8 and i am sure they both knew the dance.
On to the question of do you take her back. If as you say you cannot trust her or are unsure if you could trust her then my advice is DO NOT even consider taking her back.
Similar thing happened to me with the woman i loved..I forgave her, tried to forget and only succeeded in screwing up 5 years of my life.
Forget her and be done with it m8.

 

[h4rri]

I've always said once you lose the trust in a relationship there's nothing left worth fighting for. Would you be worried about what she was doing when you were at work, out etc?

Maybe give it a trial? Maybe start dating again but don't move her in ...

 

[who?]

Question really is why? What was she looking for in another relationship? Why was she drifting into other things. Even if you decide you dont want her back, you should still assess how things got to the state they're now in.

I think you need to reflect on the state of the relationship. Its very easy to let things drift into a 'comfort' level rather than being a fully involved relationship. Were you taking each other for granted? Had the spark died? Did you talk about your relationship openly?

Relationships end or peter out for all sorts of reasons and people being what they are tend not to want to make a clean break and leave with nothing to go to. So you see a fair bit of testing the water, what else is out there, etc before things end.

I dont know you, your g/f or your mate, so I couldnt possibly comment on the sort of people you are or the way your minds and emotions work.
I'd say take some space, look at your life, think about where you want to go, where you want to be in yourself.

edit: But I'd dump the 'friend'.

 

[Ashers]

welcome to my world of pain anguish and hate i feel every day girls = snakes without tails

and no dont take her back... she will only do it again. the floodgate is open, you will look like a soft target. i know i have been there.

 

[Matt]

lots of good, sensible advice...and in light of that, chuck her out and buy a ps3.

 

[Kev_mk3]

Jesus, sorry to hear it

From experience, if shes done it once, she'll do it again. No sympathy, thats my honest advice.

I was in a similar situation april last year went on holiday with the love of my life and the week we got back she went from my world to a Ice Queen!!!!!!

I knew she was really close to a guy at her work who had a long term gf and was having issues with her so when I woke in the morning she was hanging the washing out I did something I would never do and looked at her phone! The first message was to him and it was a picture of her naked taken 15minutes before I had looked! ( she took it in the bathroom while I was in bed! )

I got all my things walked out the door and got in my car…….. she ran out after me and I just drove off. She called me non stop for over a hour ( had about 40/50 missed calls ) and when I calmed down I went back with the money I owed her. I Talked to her and as I loved her that much I thought lets see what happene.

It Turned out to be even better than ever UNTILL I went away to france with my family for a week 2 months later. She called and rang me everyday and the night I got home I went straight around as I missed her. She sat me down and ended it with crap excuses etc…………….. 2 weeks later I found out via her parents that she hadn’t stopped seeing the lad at all and shes now with him!


Moral is – a Zebra can not change there stripes no matter how much you want or believe they can. I feel for you mate…………..

 

[Gofer]

You know, reading the various posts that have been appearing lately regarding relationships, I've come to realise that being old, bold, wrinkly and broke has its plus points. I don't get any relationship problems

I do feel for all you guys and gals though - been there, seen the film, read the book, got the teeshirt, etc

 

[PsiFox]

lots of good, sensible advice...and in light of that, chuck her out and buy a ps3.

Shouldn't that be a new lens?

 

[Matt]

Shouldn't that be a new lens?

i think hes got the ones he wants already...besides...PS3 = Bluray so he can impress his new squeeze with Hidef Goodness

 

[Gandhi]

snip

Aye, things between had broken down a bit but that was due to quite a lot of external pressures, some of which I referred to in my earlier post. She's always been a bit chicken oriental and has, since all this happened, been to see her doctor to get herself back into psychiatric counselling to deal with all the **** she's carrying around with her. So there's hope for at least some light at the end of the tunnel. We're having a little break of a month or so and then if I can handle it we're going to be taking things very, very slowly.

She's not moving back in until such a point as I feel comfortable with it and don't worry, I've told her that at the first sign of her old behaviours resurfacing she will be kicked into touch permanently.

Ultimately, I do love her, I understand why what happened did so and i genuinely believe that the shock of what's happened has made her realise exactly what she's lost.

As such I believe she deserves at least the opportunity to try and make things right if she can.

lots of good, sensible advice...and in light of that, chuck her out and buy a ps3.

Nah, gave up my consoles years ago. I am however using my newfound spare time creatively!

snip

Sorry to hear that one dude. I feel for you. I really do. I really think she's learnt her lesson though. Time will tell.



Thanks everyone for their words of support and advice though.

 

[Kev_mk3]

Sorry to hear that one dude. I feel for you. I really do. I really think she's learnt her lesson though. Time will tell.

forgot to say that i didnt trust or let any woman close to me untill i met someone in december - when i met her its like she flicked a switch in me and i knew i wanted her..................... im now with her and everything is fantastic, only been together officially for near 3 months but its been the best 3 months ever


it may seem it now but there is light at the end if the tunnel & everything happens for a reason - maybe it is time to move on - only you can decide ***


Good Luck

 

[LKavaney]

sorry to hear of your troubles! Hope it all works out. Its good though to hear all the male responses and realise there are some decent ones left in the world with their heart in the right place, just a shame you've all been hurt too!

 

[hepburn]

Life is a learning experience. I've always taken the rough with the smooth, believing you can't truly understand happiness unless you've also experienced unhappiness...

Surely the key to avoiding relationship mistakes is to slow down and make sure you're both on the same wavelength. I'm sure so many of us jump in too quickly and for the wrong reasons.