I just had a poo and ...

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joescrivens

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not only did it require no wiping but there was nothing in the pan when i looked!

a phantom poo!
 
Not uncommon, you just have to expel with sufficient force and at the right angle to slide round the u bend. It has to land like a ski jumper

Allegedly
 
Torpedo poo - shoots out your butt so fast that it whizzes round the u-bend leaving nothing in the pan for you to inspect afterwards
 
I'd love to type TTIUWP but I dare not.....................

oops
 
TYPES OF POO

Ghost Poo:
You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the
toilet. Where is it?

Teflon Poo:
So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the
toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

Goo Poo:
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you
still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your
underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the
toilet.

Second Thoughts Poo:
You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise...
there's more to come.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo:
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out
until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.

Weight Watchers Poo:
You poo so much you lose several pounds.

Right Now Poo:
You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to
get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your
pants down.

King Kong Poo:
This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you
break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well.
This kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house.

Cork Poo:
Also known as "floaters." Even after the third flush it's still there,
floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?

Wet Cheeks Poo:
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the
launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish.

Wish Poo:
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.

Cement Block Poo:
You wish you'd got a spinal block before you pooed.

Snake Poo:
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least
three feet long.

Morning After Poo:
Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't
smell that bad, but THIS one... Usually you're at someone else's house
(normally a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside
to use the bathroom.

Mexican Food Poo:
Also called "screamers." You know it's safe to eat again when your bum
stops burning.

Boo Hoo Poo:
Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether your should risk the
stitches or go for the fuller figure.
Click to expand...
 
Magic Poo's!!

When they disappear, it basically means your skids have disappeared, therefore no wipe is needed.

I became a master of the magic poo in school.
 
Now to tie this thead into "get real" rant:):nuts:
 
No mention of the Novacaine Poo, takes about an hour or two getting it out by which time your legs have gone to sleep and you can't stand up when finally done
 

SO mine was a combination of the ghost and teflon poo - a Thost poo or a gheflon
 
It never happens when there's no bog roll though does it.
 
Ghost poo, aka the Credence CLEARWATER. (Up around the bend).

There is actually a medical poster which describes stools in terms of numbers (they're not all #2s!) but it's not available to the public and I was told by the doctor in whose office I saw it that he'd know where it was if his copy vanished.
 
Nod said:
Ghost poo, aka the Credence CLEARWATER. (Up around the bend).

There is actually a medical poster which describes stools in terms of numbers (they're not all #2s!) but it's not available to the public and I was told by the doctor in whose office I saw it that he'd know where it was if his copy vanished.
Click to expand...

Here it is. Its quite funny for a medical document.

http://www.sthk.nhs.uk/library/documents/stoolchart.pdf
 
What about the 'ice puck' - usually appears after am aweful lot of Guinness
 
The good old bristol stool chart! I remember having to do a week monitoring my own poos at medical school using one. It was not good as it was just after freshers week. It does give the expression 'all at 6's and 7's' though, meaning you are in a right mess! I have alos loved the way they emphasis that it is entirely liquid for a number 7!
 
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Dark Star said:
While we're on the subject :) have a read of this one posted a while ago :)

The Bowel Story
Click to expand...

Ah god...the bowel story has bought back memories of summers (and a short time after uni) working in hospital wards and operating theatres.

Just think youself lucky the enema worked. Many a time was the patient wheeled to theatre, anaesthetised and then the surgeon called for "the sterile spoon".

Which is just as you would expect, a Hospital dessert spoon, cleaned, sterilised and re-packed to assist with "manual extraction". :naughty::nuts:
 
Oh yes, that's cheered me up! What a shi . . . fantastic thread! :clap: :D :lol:
 
Reminds me of a story told by a guy at work

Him and some friends went to Germany for a weekend, their toilets aren't like ours where it lands straight in the water, there's a shelf it lands on, when you flush the water pushes it off the shelf down the pan.

They were in town when one got caught short, went into a public toilet, did the business, flushed and it just sat there.

Flushed again but it didn't budge, by this time his mates were calling him so rather than wait for the pan to fill up again he went and told the toilet attendant who was a woman in her 60s.

Look i'm very sorry but i've flushed and it won't go, turned out she didn't speak a word of English so she has no idea what he's on about:shrug:

so he explains again, she still has no idea so he beckons her into the toilet, opens the door and says look.

She still has no idea what he's on about so he demonstrates the problem only this time it goes off down the pan, he turns and faces the woman who's looking at him like he's completely mad.

Wonder what she told her husband, I had a mad Englishman in today, he did a crap that big he wanted to show it to me before he flushed it :lol:
 
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joescrivens said:
not only did it require no wiping but there was nothing in the pan when i looked!

a phantom poo!
Click to expand...

PsiFox said:
Not uncommon, you just have to expel with sufficient force and at the right angle to slide round the u bend. It has to land like a ski jumper

Allegedly
Click to expand...

Keith W said:
Torpedo poo - shoots out your butt so fast that it whizzes round the u-bend leaving nothing in the pan for you to inspect afterwards
Click to expand...

:nono::nono::nono: i'd check the back of the loo - incase it totally missed the pan :naughty:
 
Surely everyone has heard of "Agent Picolax"

Some other stories from another forum I post at.

NB. Clicking these links is at your own perial, MackieStaggie is not responsible anyway possible, it is at your own risk. Understand, good then enjoy
 
There's also the jager *****. They stink, takes an entire role to clean and often put new meaning to Johnny Cash's song 'Ring of Fire'. Urban Dictionary
 
And what do you do when it is too big and solid to flush down the pan?:D
 
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