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How do you make a Swiss Roll??
Push him down the Alps
Push him down the Alps
and help to keep the site free for all
I feel like defending my title.
- Thread starter Matt Sayle
- Start date
birdy961
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Well defended
My turn
Q: How can you tell if a ghost is flat?
A: Use a spirit level!
Q: Why are ghosts such poor magicians?
A: You can see right through their tricks!
Q: Where does vampires keep their savings?
A: In the blood bank!
Q: What's a ghost's favourite airline?
A: British Scareways!
Q: What kind of ghosts do they have in hospital?
A: Surgical Spirits!
Q: Who speaks on behalf of the Ghosts Union?
A: Their Spooksperson!
Q: What's a ghost's favourite food?
A: I-Scream!
Q: Did you hear about the love sick vampire?
A: He became a Neck-romancer!
Q: Where do ghosts go on holiday?
A: The Isle of Fright!
Q: What do you call a ghost who haunts the town hall?
A: A night mayor!
My turn
Q: How can you tell if a ghost is flat?
A: Use a spirit level!
Q: Why are ghosts such poor magicians?
A: You can see right through their tricks!
Q: Where does vampires keep their savings?
A: In the blood bank!
Q: What's a ghost's favourite airline?
A: British Scareways!
Q: What kind of ghosts do they have in hospital?
A: Surgical Spirits!
Q: Who speaks on behalf of the Ghosts Union?
A: Their Spooksperson!
Q: What's a ghost's favourite food?
A: I-Scream!
Q: Did you hear about the love sick vampire?
A: He became a Neck-romancer!
Q: Where do ghosts go on holiday?
A: The Isle of Fright!
Q: What do you call a ghost who haunts the town hall?
A: A night mayor!
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Oh dear. You may have beaten me
OP
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CaptainPenguin
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How do you make a Venetian Blind
Poke his eyes out
Whats a Greek Urn
About 200 drachmas a week
Poke his eyes out
Whats a Greek Urn
About 200 drachmas a week
OP
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OP
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Right time to get serious. Brace yourself
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words!
Where does a general keep his army?
In his sleevy.
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."
That should do the trick
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words!
Where does a general keep his army?
In his sleevy.
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."
That should do the trick
Jelster
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Barman says "Why the long face"
birdy961
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Right then
Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour.
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws
A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"
Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.
Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."
Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!
Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!
First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.
Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.
:razz:
Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour.
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws
A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"
Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.
Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."
Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!
Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!
First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.
Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.
:razz:
OP
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Oh. My. God
OP
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please stop
birdy961
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No!
: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."
Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.
Did you here about the idiot who won the 'Tour De France'?
He did a lap of Honour!
Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!
: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."
Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.
Did you here about the idiot who won the 'Tour De France'?
He did a lap of Honour!
Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!
OP
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I regret starting this thread now They are shocking
They are shocking
birdy961
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tell me when you give in 
Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.
Q: What's a flea's favorite way to travel?
A: Itch-hiking.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia!
Q: What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?
A: A dead centipede.
Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
A: Because Frost bites.
Q: Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
A: It was a moth-ball.
Q: What game do cows play at parties?
A: Mooosical Chairs.
Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.
Q: What's a flea's favorite way to travel?
A: Itch-hiking.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia!
Q: What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?
A: A dead centipede.
Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
A: Because Frost bites.
Q: Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
A: It was a moth-ball.
Q: What game do cows play at parties?
A: Mooosical Chairs.
OP
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I GIVE IN!!! THIS IS TORTURE. EVEN BY MY STANDARDS
birdy961
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Tut tut, no stamina!! 
Q: What do you call a multistorey pig pen?
A: A sty scraper.
Q: What do you give a horse with a cold?
A: Cough stirrup!
Q: What kind of cats love the water?
A: Octo-Pussies.
Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx.
Q: What's a porcupine's favorite food?
A: Prickled onions.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A: A zebra with a drumkit.
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell garage.
Q: What were the only creatures not to go into the Ark in pairs?
A: The Maggots, they went in an apple.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chickens day off.
Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.
Q: What do you give a sick pig?
A: Oinkment!
Q: What do you call a multistorey pig pen?
A: A sty scraper.
Q: What do you give a horse with a cold?
A: Cough stirrup!
Q: What kind of cats love the water?
A: Octo-Pussies.
Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx.
Q: What's a porcupine's favorite food?
A: Prickled onions.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A: A zebra with a drumkit.
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell garage.
Q: What were the only creatures not to go into the Ark in pairs?
A: The Maggots, they went in an apple.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chickens day off.
Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.
Q: What do you give a sick pig?
A: Oinkment!
OP
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AAaarrgghh COBRA GET YOUR TFI POSTED AND SAFE US
OP
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You win. Quit whilst your ahead.
Please.
Please.
birdy961
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Parting shot then!!
Why don't elephants ride 10 speed bikes?
no thumb to shift
How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
His bike is outside.
What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Optimistic.
How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
There's a dent in the cross-bar.
How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
Stand on the bike and look in the window.
Why don't elephants ride 10 speed bikes?
no thumb to shift
How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
His bike is outside.
What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Optimistic.
How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
There's a dent in the cross-bar.
How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
Stand on the bike and look in the window.
CaptainPenguin
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OK you asked for it
Whats yellow and dangerous
Shark infested custard
Whats blue and flies through the jungle
Gorilla in a boiler suit
Whats green and goes up and down
Goosberry in a lift
Whats green and dangerous
A Budgie with a machine Gun
And just to get bit sick
Mommy Mommy I dont like Grandma
Well put her the side of your plate and eat your chips
All the above courtesy of a Grammar School education
Whats yellow and dangerous
Shark infested custard
Whats blue and flies through the jungle
Gorilla in a boiler suit
Whats green and goes up and down
Goosberry in a lift
Whats green and dangerous
A Budgie with a machine Gun
And just to get bit sick
Mommy Mommy I dont like Grandma
Well put her the side of your plate and eat your chips
All the above courtesy of a Grammar School education
birdy961
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Oh dear oh dear
Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you?
A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.
Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the footprints in the butter.
Q: What did the Dallas chief of police say when the elephant walked into the police station?
A: Nothing! He didn't notice.
Q: What is big and grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?
Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It's full of elephants.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can't close the door.
Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: The Mini is parked outside.
Q: What do elephants have that nothing else has?
A: Baby elephants.
Q: What is grey, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse going on holiday.
Q: What is brown, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse coming back from holiday.
Q: What has eight legs, two trunks, four eyes, and two tails?
A: Two elephants.
Q: What's harder than getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.
Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you?
A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.
Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the footprints in the butter.
Q: What did the Dallas chief of police say when the elephant walked into the police station?
A: Nothing! He didn't notice.
Q: What is big and grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?
Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It's full of elephants.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can't close the door.
Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: The Mini is parked outside.
Q: What do elephants have that nothing else has?
A: Baby elephants.
Q: What is grey, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse going on holiday.
Q: What is brown, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse coming back from holiday.
Q: What has eight legs, two trunks, four eyes, and two tails?
A: Two elephants.
Q: What's harder than getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.
CaptainPenguin
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Birdy 961 you are one sad act and
I SALUTE YOU
I SALUTE YOU
birdy961
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And just for Captain Penguin
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this
the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks
the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with
them but, I haven't a clue
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The
clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"
(Wait for it!)
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a great time. Today I'm taking
them to the beach."
Boom boom
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this
the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks
the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with
them but, I haven't a clue
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The
clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"
(Wait for it!)
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a great time. Today I'm taking
them to the beach."
Boom boom
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Ok How about :
THE TALE OF THE DEAD DUCK :
A woman brought a very limp, floppy and pale-looking duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, she said the Duck was her beloved pet 'Cuddles', and that she was really worried about him. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, I'm afraid I have to tell you that your Duck Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Oh no – he can't be! Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you've listened to his chest, but you haven't done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck gently along his whole length from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird all over from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, it's very sad, but your duck is dead. This is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. Then she cried out, aghast "£500! - You're going to charge me £500 just
to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "Well, I'm sorry. You see, if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have only been £20 - but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £500.00."
THE TALE OF THE DEAD DUCK :
A woman brought a very limp, floppy and pale-looking duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, she said the Duck was her beloved pet 'Cuddles', and that she was really worried about him. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, I'm afraid I have to tell you that your Duck Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Oh no – he can't be! Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you've listened to his chest, but you haven't done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck gently along his whole length from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird all over from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, it's very sad, but your duck is dead. This is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. Then she cried out, aghast "£500! - You're going to charge me £500 just
to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "Well, I'm sorry. You see, if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have only been £20 - but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £500.00."
birdy961
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Groan
Last lot from me, I promise
Q: How do Penguins drink their cola?
A: On the rocks.
Q: What´s black and white and goes round and around?
A: A Penguin in a revolving door.
Q: Why don´t you see Penguins in Britain?
A: Because they´re afraid of Wales.
Q: Who is a Penguin´s favourite pop star?
A: Seal.
Q: What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
A: Starfish.
Q: Why don´t Penguins like rock music?
A: They only like sole.
Q: Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
A: Because they haven´t got any pockets.
Q: What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Q: What do mother Penguins say to their children
before they go out in the dark?
A: Beak....careful out there.
Q: Why do two Penguins in a nest always agree?
A: Because they don´t wanna fall out.
Q: What do Penguins have for lunch?
A: Icebergers.
Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: Lost.
What´s black & white, black & white, black & white and black & white?
A penguin rolling down the hill.
I will get my coat
Last lot from me, I promise
Q: How do Penguins drink their cola?
A: On the rocks.
Q: What´s black and white and goes round and around?
A: A Penguin in a revolving door.
Q: Why don´t you see Penguins in Britain?
A: Because they´re afraid of Wales.
Q: Who is a Penguin´s favourite pop star?
A: Seal.
Q: What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
A: Starfish.
Q: Why don´t Penguins like rock music?
A: They only like sole.
Q: Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
A: Because they haven´t got any pockets.
Q: What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Q: What do mother Penguins say to their children
before they go out in the dark?
A: Beak....careful out there.
Q: Why do two Penguins in a nest always agree?
A: Because they don´t wanna fall out.
Q: What do Penguins have for lunch?
A: Icebergers.
Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: Lost.
What´s black & white, black & white, black & white and black & white?
A penguin rolling down the hill.
I will get my coat
CaptainPenguin
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And back on the Elephant theme
What do you get if you breed a mouse with an Elephant
Bloody great holes in the skirting board
What do you get if you breed a mouse with an Elephant
Bloody great holes in the skirting board
birdy961
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Knock, knock!
who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's only a joke!
Knock, knock!
who's there?
Earl
Earl who?
Earl be glad to tell you when you open the door.
Knock, knock!
who's there?
Emma
Emma who?
Emma bit cold out here, will you let me in?
Knock, knock!
who's there?
Howl
Howl who?
Howl you know unless you open the door?
Knock, knock!
who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo beep beep!
Knock, knock!
who's there?
Aardvark
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a million miles, for one of your smiles...
Knock, knock!
who's there?
Cows
Cows who?
No they don't, they moo!
Knock, knock!
who's there?
Albert
Albert who?
Albert you don't know who it is!
Knock, knock!
who's there?
Twit2
Twit2 who?
You sound like an owl!