I declare its open season...........

Cobra

Cobra

In Memoriam. TPer Emeritus
Admin
Messages
114,434
Name
The real Chris
Edit My Images
No

After having been lied to, had an attemted scam
( can't say too much about this one ) and other good things, over the past 18 months, in an attempt to move house...........
I would suggest leaving the grouse alone
and declare an "Open Season" on estate agents. :thumbs:

I found a few jokes about them but I am sure there are better ones out there feel free to add any :thumbs:

Question: What do you call 20 estate agents chained together at the bottom of the sea?
Answer: A damn good start.

Q) There is a Real Estate Investor, an estate agent and a Lawyer. And you have a gun with two bullets...
Which should you shoot?
(A) You should shoot the estate agent twice... Just to be sure.

My estate agent was always smiling. I didn't think anybody could have that many teeth without being a barracuda
 
Not jokes as such Chris but some truths about Estate agent speak.

Sorry to hear this is still dragging on mate:(


  • 1 1/2 BATHROOM - One bathroom, the toilet has own entrance.
  • 3 RECEPTION AREAS - Entrance hall, dining room and living room (sometimes with cabinet bar. - bar not included)
  • ARCHITECT DESIGNED - As a homework project in House Design 101.
  • ARTISTICALLY DECORATED - Full of stuff you can't use.
  • BRAND NEW DEVELOPMENT - Live with construction dust for a couple more years.
  • BREATHTAKING VIEW - Can see, and smell, rubbish dump from living room.
  • CLOSE TO BEACH - Impossible to park from November to December.
  • CLOSE TO HEALTH CENTRES - Wake up every now and then from the ambulance sirens.
  • CLOSE TO NATURE - Property has no services.
  • CLOSE TO SCHOOL - The lunch break din is deafening.
  • COMPACT - Tiny house.
  • CONTEMPORARY FEELING - House has no woodwork, needs cleaning. (Also see OLD WORLD CHARM)
  • CONVENIENT - Property located next to highway on-ramp.
  • COZY - No room larger than 3m x 2m.
  • DECEPTIVE APPEARANCE - House looks terrible.
  • DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION - Property in flight path of major air force base.
  • DUET - Half a house.
  • DUET - Sing along with neighbour in the shower.
  • EASILY MAINTAINED - Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.
  • ENTERTAINMENT AREA - 1/2 conca-braai on cement paving in corner of backyard.
  • ESTABLISHED GARDEN - Weeds are well rooted.
  • EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED - House got electricity last year.
  • EXTRA: GARDEN COTTAGE - Maid's room has been tiled.
  • FAMILY HOME - Ugly, impractical, and it has 3 more bedrooms than any other house in the neighbourhood, so we hope the Waltons read this.
  • FARMHOUSE CHARM - House with uneven floors.
  • FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST - Grounds like a jungle.
  • FRIENDLY NEIGHBOURHOOD - Neighbours tend to peep over the boundary fence.
  • FULL-FLOOR CARPETS - Wood floor had borer beetle.
  • HOUSE WITH PERSONALITY - Haunted house.
  • INDIGENOUS PLANTS - Haven't got around to gardening yet.
  • LANDSCAPED - Grass grew over mound of old building sand.
  • LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT CONVENIENTLY CLOSE - Sex-workers hang around on the corner.
  • LOTS OF PARKING - Lazy homeowner paved over front lawn.
  • LOTS OF STORAGE - Garage too small for a car - store your boxes of crud here.
  • MARKET READY - Owner feels he's covered everything up.
  • MASONETTE - French for "small building".
  • MINT - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.
  • MOTIVATED SELLER - Property has been on the market for the past 5 years.
  • MOVE IN CONDITION - Front door missing from property.
  • MUCH SOUGHT AFTER - Property has been on the market at least twice before, and although we got them to buy, no one wants to keep it.
  • NEEDS TLC - House has major structural damage.
  • NEUTRAL DECOR - Property has no murals of nudes and no animal body parts permanently attached, but has turquoise walls.
  • NORTH FACING - Couldn't find anything special about this property.
  • OFFERS ACCEPTED - Owner knows his price is too high.
  • OLD WORLD CHARM - House has some woodwork, needs cleaning. (Also see CONTEMPORARY FEELING)
  • ONE OF A KIND - After this one, they decided that it wasn't such a good idea after all.
  • OUTSTANDING - House painted yellow and purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.
  • OWNER EAGER TO SELL - If the house goes within a week, the polyfilla will still be covering the cracks.
  • PEACEFUL TOWN - One-horse town.
  • PERIOD RESIDENCE - House built in the last two years.
  • QUIET, SECLUDED SETTING - On site of proposed informal settlement.
  • RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY - No one else wants this property.
  • RENOVATED - Patent defects nicely covered up.
  • RETIREMENT HOME - You need to have saved for a very long time to buy here.
  • ROOM TO EXTEND - Owner knows the house is too small.
  • RURAL COTTAGE - House too small for agricultural tenants.
  • SEA VIEW - If you stand on a bar stool in the spare bedroom.
  • SECLUDED - See CLOSE TO NATURE.
  • SECURITY SYSTEM - Neighbour has a dog.
  • SECURE LOCATION - Head of organised crime syndicate lives next-door.
  • SELECT NEIGHBORHOOD - House beside sewage works.
  • SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING - House next to a noisy bar.
  • STRIKING FACADES - House is so ugly, you can't stop staring.
  • STUDENT HOUSE - Normal people wouldn't live here.
  • SWIMMING POOL - Owners demolished the windpomp at last.
  • TASTEFULLY DECORATED - Kids had food-fight a number of years ago, and it proved too difficult to clean.
  • UNSPOILED - Planning permission granted for development of the field next door.
  • UNUSUAL FEATURES - No roof.
  • UNUSUAL LOCATION - House in the path of a planned ring road.
  • UPDATED KITCHEN - Sink no longer overflows.
  • UPDATED KITCHEN - Laid new novilon.
  • USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS - No inside toilet.
  • WALKING DISTANCE FROM BEACH - You will be parked in every holyday.
  • WATER FEATURES - Geyser bursts each winter.
  • WEALTH OF PERIOD FEATURES - Outside plumbing, dry rot, rising damp and electrical circuitry best operated in rubber gloves and boots.
  • WEATHER CRACKS - Wind howls through house in winter.
  • WEEKEND COUNTRY GETAWAY - No-one can stay here for longer than a weekend at a time.
  • WELL SITUATED - In full view of neighbours in the flats next door.
  • WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN - Previous owner removed all supporting walls.
  • WITHIN EASY DISTANCE OF LOCAL AMENITIES - Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop.
 
lets just have a proper open season and actually shoot them! :)

actually, there wont be too many of them left soon.. In my job I walk a lot of streets (no, not like that :) ) and every day i see more and more estate agents shut down.. gives me a nice warm feeling :)
 
Last edited:
A lot have already closed or moved to premises 1/2 the size so they are going to be on the endangered species list soon :lol:

Around here its the smaller more friendly/helpful ones that are doing ok, the sharks ae the ones in trouble so karma is striking back!!
 
birdy961 said:
Not jokes as such Chris but some truths about Estate agent speak.
Sorry to hear this is still dragging on mate :(
Click to expand...
Cheers Robin I knew I could rely on you :thumbs: :D
There is a particular "senario" running at the moment that prompted that post I will let you know at a later date what that was and the out come :bang:

badgerbaiter said:
lets just have a proper open season and actually shoot them! :)
.. gives me a nice warm feeling :)
Click to expand...
Agreed & agreed :thumbs: :D

susie said:
A lot have already closed or moved to premises 1/2 the size so they are going to be on the endangered species list soon :lol:
Click to expand...
Well I suggest that we all do our bit NOW to help the process along :thumbs:
 
mattyh said:
I'm doing my bit by not moving for the next 3 years :D
Click to expand...

That'll learn 'em :D
We have been trying to move for the past 18 months :(
each time we get close someone drops out at the last minute............
escalating legal fees and surveyors costs are not funny :(
when we are merrily going on our way thinking that
we are about to move and it's all gone tits up weeks before,
and the estate agents have neglected to tell us :bang:
 
We could do our bit for the environment and recycle Estate Agents or burn them to generate Electricity .

Then again as they are full of ******** we could use them for fertiliser :D
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top