How thick.. You gotta read this...

..MD..

..MD..

Helen Shapiro
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MonkeyDave
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Yes
i was reminded tonight of a event that happened a few years back.
i walked into work one morning " steel factory". as i was walking to my bay i saw two puddles of oil on the floor." nothing unusual there i know" they had white chalk marks around them. :thinking:

:shrug:

thought no more about it ..

later that day i heard that the forklift had been playing up.

leaking oil...

well they had been in to fix it the day before could not see where it was leaking . so said to the forklift driver " when you come in tommorow morning gat some chalk or something and mark where it is leaking..


:nuts:

:nuts:

i kid you not he marked the oil on the floor..

i nearly wet myself.

this is true and at least one other member on here knows the story..


md:thumbs:


do you know any thicko's
 
Ahahahahahahaha!!!! Tit :lol:

Well me for one, I was once heard to comment, "There's a lot of scousers here"

We were in Liverpool.
 
tell me your joking please..

:lol:

md:thumbs:
 
I was drunk at the time, is that not allowed? :D:D
 
LOL.

When I was a lad there was a guy who used to use the local pub, who wasn't exactly dim but wasn't the sharpest knife in the draw either. He was usually game for anything and well liked but a bit gullible.

They set him up in the pub one day by starting a conversation within his earshot that went something like " Oh yeah... the world record for drinking water is 6 pints."

Sure enough he piped up "6 pints I bet I could beat that easily".

One of those large white enamel jugs was filled with water, probably more like a gallon than 6 points, and when he reached for it they said "Oh no - the world record was set lying down"

He ended up lying on the grass outside the pub with a funnel in his mouth while they poured the water in... poor sod nearly drowned. :lol:
 
We had to hold a thrashing 18 stone bloke down on the floor and empty his mouth after he almost choked himself to death as part of a wee bet.

The lad wasn't the brightest star in the sky, but he was a laugh.....we said we'd give him a fiver if he could eat a king sized mars bar in 30 seconds.

He rammed the whole lot in his mouth than then proceeded to turn blue !!!
 
CT said:
LOL.

When I was a lad there was a guy who used to use the local pub, who wasn't exactly dim but wasn't the sharpest knife in the draw either. He was usually game for anything and well liked but a bit gullible.

They set him up in the pub one day by starting a conversation within his earshot that went something like " Oh yeah... the world record for drinking water is 6 pints."

Sure enough he piped up "6 pints I bet I could beat that easily".

One of those large white enamel jugs was filled with water, probably more like a gallon than 6 points, and when he reached for it they said "Oh no - the world record was set lying down"

He ended up lying on the grass outside the pub with a funnel in his mouth while they poured the water in... poor sod nearly drowned. :lol:
Click to expand...

He could have dies, poor soul! Too much water can kill! I believe there was something on this a few months back where a girl overdosed on water :shrug:
 
digitalfailure said:
We had to hold a thrashing 18 stone bloke down on the floor and empty his mouth after he almost choked himself to death as part of a wee bet.

The lad wasn't the brightest star in the sky, but he was a laugh.....we said we'd give him a fiver if he could eat a king sized mars bar in 30 seconds.

He rammed the whole lot in his mouth than then proceeded to turn blue !!!
Click to expand...

You guys are crule! Were any of you dancing and chanting as he tried to kill himself with a Mars bar?!? Sounds like a right-of-passage ritual :bang:
 
One for you bikers:

I was at college yesterday for a welcome day. One lad saw a 50cc scooter and was like 'wow' 'that well good innit'. He asked the teacher what it was. THe teacher replied. 'You have heard of the fireblade?' 'Yup' replys the lad. Teacher goes 'well thats the Honda Fireguard' Me and this other lad had to bite our lips as he really belevied the teacher!!
 
..MD.. said:
do you know any thicko's
Click to expand...

Do I! I've worked with some monumentally stupid people in many fields over the years. Here's a couple:

Tony, foreman at a garage I worked at many years ago, wanted to clean the skylights on the pitched roof, so extended the handle on a sweeping brush with about 12 feet of dexian angle to reach the skylights and finally cable tied a hose pipe to the whole contraption so it would squirt on the broom head. Then leaned a ladder against the gutter in line with the skylights and manhandled the thing into place. When he shouted to me to turn on the hose, I asked if he was really sure that was what he wanted and he said it absolutely was (or words to that effect that I can't repeat). So I let rip with the tap. It took about 30 seconds for the tidal wave of water to pour down the roof and start filling his overall pockets. I experienced some difficulty turning the tap off on account of not being able to see it through the tears.

Tony's most common trick, repeated almost daily was to heat an exhaust pipe joint with the oxy-acetyline torch until it glowed red, turn around to extinguish the torch and hang it up, turn back to the component he'd just heated and grab hold of it. I couldn't count the number of times I said "that may be a little warm Tony.
 
A guy called "Buzzer" who was the tool pusher on a rig I worked on. Had a voice like Harry Enfields "Only Me" character. Walked into the doghouse one day and announced
(Buzzer) "Aye, just bought a Porsche me, aye"
(Mick the driller) "That's nice Buzzer, what colour is it?"
(Buzzer) "Only one colour for a Porsche, that's red or black"

Unfortunately Buzzer demonstrated his considerable talent for stupidity on a daily basis and as he was ultimately responsible for the safety of the entire rig when we were drilling I decided a change of career was in order.
 
Matt Sayle said:
One for you bikers:

I was at college yesterday for a welcome day. One lad saw a 50cc scooter and was like 'wow' 'that well good innit'. He asked the teacher what it was. THe teacher replied. 'You have heard of the fireblade?' 'Yup' replys the lad. Teacher goes 'well thats the Honda Fireguard' Me and this other lad had to bite our lips as he really belevied the teacher!!
Click to expand...

There was a lad at our sixthform who came religiously on a scooter, we (my physics class) convinced him that the small diameter of the wheels allowed him to accellerate faster than other vehicles, and to convince him set up a drag race between him and a lass we knew who rode a 125 honda... she deliberately set off slowly and he was convinced :P

But the good bit comes when he mouthed off about this to one of the science dept, who happened to ride a Triumph Daytona (we have 4 teachers and 6 pupils who ride motorbikes, great innit?) who challenged him to replicate this, seeing the poor sod's face as a 61 year old teacher in leathers left him in the dust was just sooooo funny.
 
A young lad called....(no I won't name him, he was a nice guy and someone is bound to recognise him), who really wasn't stupid, I don't know how you'd describe his problem, maybe "over eager". You'd ask him to do something and while you were still explaining how he was legging it to get started, he had a catalogue of disasters in his wake as a result but my favourite pearl was always when he'd take off up the wrong side of a ladder like a veritable rocket, only to smash his head on the catwalk above because the hole was on the other side. I never tired of this, it was just as amusing the 20th time as the first. Laurel and Hardy couldn't have done it better. :lol:
The scary thing is he went to work at the National Grid, on power cables...I shudder to think!
 
One of the best i heard was made by a very attractive but not 100% bright, female i used to work with. She asked me a question to which i answered "Is the Pope Catholic?"

She then replied "Well i know the last one was, but i'm not sure about the new one!"

That had me going for about an hour and i still find myself chuckling about it a couple of years later.
 
Two girls at work reading the new telephone list to each other:-

1st Girl - 'Who's Room Buffet?'
2nd Girl - 'Perhaps he's one of the Indian chaps in software'

I cried.
 
:lol::lol: great thread.


I had a stupid neighbour, one of many, just moved in a few weeks before...

Loud music on several nights, eventually ... Knock knock ...

"hello fella can you turn the music off now please its well passed midnight"

" Oh ffs what you picking on me for init, I'm only here for a year"

His wife gave him a dig and a "No no" you stupid sod look.

Which was helpful because I was quite flummoxed. (sp?)


Or how about the this fool who turned up late for a TP meet and as he was making his way towards the cafe meeting spot he spotted a group of photographers who seemed to be waiting also, chancing his luck he inquired if they where photographers from TP ...

"No mate sorry" came the reply.

So he turned and continued towards the cafe only then to hear them burst out in hysterical laughter behind him.


:( :bang: :p
 
..MD.. said:
do you know any thicko's
Click to expand...

:lol::lol: This really did happen today....

We have a water leak on a machine at work... and I get called over to take a look, I tell the this guy that it's the seal that's knackered and to make another using the old one as a template :) 30 mins later he comes to me and says its still leaking! so I go over and ask him to take it out so I can see what's wrong, which he does. I notice the new seal has a split and ask him if he's put the old one in by mistake? no he says "the old one's here" :) and yes you've guessed it....

He made the new one exactly the same as the old one including the split :bonk:
 
Splog said:
:lol::lol: This really did happen today....

We have a water leak on a machine at work... and I get called over to take a look, I tell the this guy that it's the seal that's knackered and to make another using the old one as a template :) 30 mins later he comes to me and says its still leaking! so I go over and ask him to take it out so I can see what's wrong, which he does. I notice the new seal has a split and ask him if he's put the old one in by mistake? no he says "the old one's here" :) and yes you've guessed it....

He made the new one exactly the same as the old one including the split :bonk:
Click to expand...

:lol:

that did make me laugh out loud..

some people are great ...


md:thumbs:
 
my mates wife was getting her car serviced, while it was on the ramps she asked my mate why her wheel trim was on upside down....fantastic.
 
Forbiddenbiker said:
:lol::lol: great thread.



Or how about the this fool who turned up late for a TP meet and as he was making his way towards the cafe meeting spot he spotted a group of photographers who seemed to be waiting also, chancing his luck he inquired if they where photographers from TP ...

"No mate sorry" came the reply.

So he turned and continued towards the cafe only then to hear them burst out in hysterical laughter behind him.


:( :bang: :p
Click to expand...


Oh no!! they didnt did they?? lol.. im enjoying this thread!!


When i joined the army there was a poor fella that joined that slipped the net on the recuitment process.. he REALLY wasnt up to the job!! VERY intelligent but couldnt even dress himself!! I kid you not..

But..

Being the Army and the way things worked he was the butt of most of the jokes for a while..

There was one day we told him to goto the QM and get some DPM pain! and the keys for the in-door Grenade range!!! lol.. not only that, but some sand bags for the empty cases!!! lol..

How we laughed..

He was later discharged SNLR.. if i could compare him to anyone it would have been the big guy from Full Metal Jacket.. called Pte Pile, the ironic thing is we were training in the same place they filmed the movie!!..

He was highly intelligent though.. had LOADS of qualifications.. what a same.. :shrug:
 
QM - DPM - SNLR ..... Errr.... :thinking: :shrug:
 
Sorry..

QM = Quater Master.. the guy that runs the stores..

DPM = Disruptive Patern MAterial.. Camouflage..

SNLR = Services No Longer Required.. The worst type of discharge (Other than Dishonerable!) It means your a numpty!! lol.. or no good even as canon fodder!!

I hope that helps.. :thumbs:
 
:lol::lol:

ok, for our last club karate tournament we ordered the trophies and medals. This was basically for all the students to compete against each other - usual stuff, trophies for 1st, 2nd and 3rd and everyone that entered got a medal. When they were ordered, the trophy shop called to ask "Do you want anything written on the medal ribbon?"

Our Club name is Ashin-do Kai, so Sensei answered, "yes please, put Ashin-do Kai on it"

The medals arrived the day before the competition with the now legendary "ASHIN-DO KAI ON IT" emblazoned across every ribbon :bonk::bonk: Methinks the trophy maker had seen one too make Nike type adverts :cuckoo:
 
there are some strainge people in the world hay Betty ;) :lol:
 
My wife had me doubting her intelligence twice in a quick 20 minute car journey.

First, as we left our village i saw our friend Chris driving towards us, waved as we passed then turned to my wife and said "I see Chris got the personilised number plate he was talking about". She turned around just to see the back of his car disappear around a corner. "oh yes" she says "I wonder if he got the same one for the front too".

Then just a few minutes later we drove passed a pub which had a sign outside. Thursday, Pub Quiz, win tickets to the Reading Festival. Wifey comments "How boring, a load of people reading books, not my idea of a festival".
 
ok, another biker story.
eons ago when i was at college, i was riding a 550 honda.
well as a few of us had bikes, the new student. 16 and dense, asked for our advice.
daddy had just bought him a brand new fizzy to get to college on. one of the first with a disc brake on it.
now his front pads had glazed a bit and his front brake was squeeeeeling like a pig.
asking how he could cure this, one of the smartarses replied
"stick a little grease on it."
i realy should have said something.
young dopey gets home that night and of course , greases the front disc.
apparently the next morning , he flies down the steep drive. goes straight across the road , and straight over the 4 foot wall opposite.
knackered his front wheel,bent his forks and bruised his ego badly.
oops.
 
LadyLens said:
:lol::lol:

ok, for our last club karate tournament we ordered the trophies and medals. This was basically for all the students to compete against each other - usual stuff, trophies for 1st, 2nd and 3rd and everyone that entered got a medal. When they were ordered, the trophy shop called to ask "Do you want anything written on the medal ribbon?"

Our Club name is Ashin-do Kai, so Sensei answered, "yes please, put Ashin-do Kai on it"

The medals arrived the day before the competition with the now legendary "ASHIN-DO KAI ON IT" emblazoned across every ribbon :bonk::bonk: Methinks the trophy maker had seen one too make Nike type adverts :cuckoo:
Click to expand...

That one brought the memories flooding back for me! :D

F.J. Wiseman and Sons, late of the Gun Quarter in B'ham and now Cannock, Staffs, are highly respected gun makers in the gun trade. The father and 4 brothers all have specialist skills which come together in a completed gun. A customer ordered a custom made sidelock shotgun and after months and months of work the sidelock plates and other metal parts were passed to the engraver brother for final engraving.

He engraved the lock plates with exquisite scenes of Springer Spaniels, Hares , Pheasants, Partridge etc. in the most fantastic detail. On completing the work he duly engraved each plate with the maker's name at the bottom of each lock plate - 'F.J. Wiseman and Sons'

Unfortunately, he missed the 'E' out of 'Wiseman' :lol:

He was not a popular bunny with the family for a while, but he does manage a wry smile when he recalls that particular gun.
 
Years ago my brother in law worked for a truck dealer, the boss was really impressed with university educated people, he took them on to give them some work experience.

One guy called Thomas was really posh, when not doing his work he was always looking for something to do as the boss thought so much of him, my bro in law saw him walking about with some duct tape, about an hour later when he walked in the office he noticed a crack in the glass on the door had been very carefully taped up following the zig zags of the crack perfectly.

he asked Thomas if he'd done it, yes he said, er the cracks on the other side, what, er it's a double glazed door and the crack is on the inside :bonk:


a few days later my bro in law was outside checking the LPG gas tank as someone had said they could smell gas, it was winter and dark, as he was bending down to see if he could smell gas Thomas asked what he was doing, when he told him he said here I have a lighter if you can't see, he just knocked it out of his hand as he was about to light it.

Thomas is probably a pilot or something by now :nuts:
 
^^^ What a goon :D Apparently, I said a while back...

"I thought Richard Hammond began his career on Brainiac"
 
Better explain a bit first.... When flying proper stunt kites.. they make a noise like a little scooter (the engine ones... not the "high school musical" one your daughter has got)...

Anyways...

My dads out flying the stunt kite.... Bloke wanders datelessly over with his dog and stands beside my dad watching the kite spin and flip and dive and so on... he turns to my dad and asks... "that you with the electric kite?"

I think my dad nearly crashed the kite at that question.

So the bloke stands watching a bit longer, rabbiting about god knows what... then announces he's got to get going (halle-bloody-lujah) and then asks "would you like to stroke my dog?" ... at that point he nearly got punched. Some people are so dateless.
 
A basketball event that a regularly attend we have a wee drinking game that all the new comers have to pass (I did my first year). This year we had one bloke who was a referee the first week and a coach the second. His attitude was that this game was easy and went boosting about how he could do it in one. So we took great delight when he tried four times and couldn't get pass the first stage (their are three stages and if you get it wrong you have to down your drink and start from the start). We then without him noticing replaced his glass with one double the size :nuts: He fell off the seat three times and was running around the front lawn at 3 O'clock in morning in his boxers! :lol: even better he had to run off the court during a game and spewed and then spewed in the bus on the way back home! Lesson learned I hope! :D :lol:
 
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