How many friends do you actually really have?

One thing that I like to see is boys and girls mixing as friends these day, we didn't necessarily see that decades ago

No that is something I'm really quite jealous of. I'd have loved to have had more female friends as a kid. It was only when I went to college and uni, that I did have female friends. Before that, it was just a typical group of lads; strong bonds, but with the typical tension that always exists between young males. I continued to have female friends, whereas some of my mates didn't, really, through circumstance, personality etc. It's very interesting how those who've had less female friends, are the more emotionally immature, with relationship issues. Gotta mix it up; look at all those tories who went to boys only schools. Utter callous selfish bastards the lot of them. Totally lacking in empathy. It's cos they didn't socialise effectively as youngsters. To men like that, a woman is something you breed with, not someone you have a lasting, meaningful relationship with (see Boris). No wonder the country's so messed up.


I don't think it's all sweetness and love these days.

Bullying's always been about. It just takes different forms these days. It's part of our natural social development, really. Physical, face to face bullying is far less prevalent in schools today, cos of much greater intervention by staff, but the psychological side of things does seem to have ramped up a lot. In my day; have an issue, have it out, win or lose, it's over. Done. Now, it continues for ever; videos, pics, SM posts, etc. Nasty.
 
The friends that I grew up with throughout school that I kept contact with, as in our own WhatsApp chat group, attend all our respective weddings etc, we are all male. There are about 8 of us

However, in uni I made an equal amount, if not more female friends than male friends. In fact In my 3rd year I lived with 3 other girls and 1 guy. I have lost contact with most of them, keeping in touch with about a handful, the rest are on Facebook but now are more acquaintances these days.

Through work, probabaly a handful more.
 
One thing that I like to see is boys and girls mixing as friends these day, we didn't necessarily see that decades ago

Our 5th & 6th forms were really integrated (early 1980s) and I'd say I always got on with the girls better than the boys, though my real closest pal at school was a boy, then during my Uni years it was a girl I knew from school and her hubby, also a pal of mine from school

Now - I don't have any friends as close, though I have some good pals. My only true friends now I'd say were my wife & kids

Our neighbours are a mixed bunch, one side fun but we rarely speak, the other side complete t***s. The nearest I get most weeks to a meaningful conversation is via Facebook or the staff in our Sainsburys Local - which is fine :)

Dave
 
I have only ever chatted with two of my neighbours in 30 odd years and both of them lived across the road. One died a few years ago, he used to work for Ford and had worked in the area next to where I had been working so we had something in common to talk about. The other neighbour, a Tower of London Beefeater, would often stop and chat if he was out tending his garden and i was cleaning my car which would be parked on his side of the road. I doubt that has happened more than a handful of times with each of them though.
Other than a smile or a hello from some of the other neighbours, even those living in the same block, there is no interaction. There is a bloke who has lived on the top floor of our block for longer than we have lived here and i don't think i have seen him more than half a dozen times in 30yrs. He keeps himself to himself, I don't think he has ever spoken with anyone else in the block. I am not even sure if he lives there full time.

It used to be seen as Northerners were very friendly and chatty, while Southerners were more reserved, and not as approachable. I remember going to London many years ago, not the Capital just a few districts where family lived. I tried asking people for directions and non would speak to me. They looked at me as though I was mad, and did that silly sneering look, as if to say, "I don't know you, why are to talking to me?" Even people serving in shops, when I said a few pleasantries to them, they just looked at me as though I were mad.

But it would seem most are no longer approachable, sad times. Probably all down to the smart phone, no time for anyone. :confused:
 
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It used to be seen as Northerners were very friendly and chatty, while Southerners were more reserved, and not as approachable.

That was always a myth. Ever been to Leeds? Manchester? Barnsley?? :eek: Plenty of unsociable people wherever you go. Also a lot to do with stress; people living in big cities such as London, are more likely to have stressful lives than those living in smaller towns and villages. You're living in very close proximity to others, everyone's competing for space, and it can get quite claustrophobic. Far more people means you get a bit fed up being 'nice' to everyone, quite frankly. Go out into the quieter suburbs, and it can be very different. I live in a pretty densely populated bit of London, yet I still get a lot of friendly greetings when I'm out and about, from shop workers and the like. People tend to be more open minded and less insular. Just had a nice (appropriately distanced) chat with my little Polish friend in the bakers. I've never understood this 'southerners aren't friendly' crap; if you go out into the Home Counties you tend to find a fair few miserable sods, but they tend to be Northerners who've moved darn sarf for work, yet can't bring themselves to live in That London. ;)

But it would seem most are no longer approachable, sad times.

Again, isn't this your own personal experience? I don't encounter such, myself, I have to say.
 
No that is something I'm really quite jealous of. I'd have loved to have had more female friends as a kid. It was only when I went to college and uni, that I did have female friends. Before that, it was just a typical group of lads; strong bonds, but with the typical tension that always exists between young males. I continued to have female friends, whereas some of my mates didn't, really, through circumstance, personality etc. It's very interesting how those who've had less female friends, are the more emotionally immature, with relationship issues. Gotta mix it up; look at all those tories who went to boys only schools. Utter callous selfish bastards the lot of them. Totally lacking in empathy. It's cos they didn't socialise effectively as youngsters. To men like that, a woman is something you breed with, not someone you have a lasting, meaningful relationship with (see Boris). No wonder the country's so messed up.




Bullying's always been about. It just takes different forms these days. It's part of our natural social development, really. Physical, face to face bullying is far less prevalent in schools today, cos of much greater intervention by staff, but the psychological side of things does seem to have ramped up a lot. In my day; have an issue, have it out, win or lose, it's over. Done. Now, it continues for ever; videos, pics, SM posts, etc. Nasty.
When I was at school, it was only the really popular boys and girls that hung out together outside of school. For everyone else boys and girls only really interacted at school unless they were boyfriend and girlfriend. At home there was my sister and myself, there was a brother and sister in the house to one side of us three boys and their sister in the house the other side of us and another brother and sister across the road. There were other kids living in the road, but these were the ones we hung out with, but not necessarily all at the same time. We lived at the end of a cul de sac, everyone parked their cars on the drives or in garages, so the road was always clear for us to play football or cricket.
When I was 15 and 16, I started hanging out with the eldest of the 3 brothers and his sister more, he was a year younger than me and she was a year older than me. She used to have one or two of the girls in her class come round to her house on a Saturday night, we would invariably sit around chatting and listening to music. I would say I spent more time chatting to those 3 older girls, than any girls in my year at school.
When i started my apprenticeship however, there were no girls/ women, certainly none of a similar age. We did block release at college during the apprenticeship, but we were having to much of a laugh amongst ourselves to really take notice of any of the female students also attending the college. Once we had settled into the college side of the apprenticeship, I did end up asking out one of the female students, we ended up in a 7yr long relationship. She did hang out with some of my mates with me, watching us play football and going for drinks after, but she was always the only female as none of the lads were in a steady relationship at the time.

I would say I only have 3 female friends now, none of them are Facebook friends, but they are women I chat to at the gym. Two of them I get on with quite well, the other, it is more bordering on acquaintance rather than friend, but she is young enough to be my daughter. Of the other two, one is about 4 or 5 years younger than me and the other is 15 years younger than me, almost young enough to be my daughter. But other than an initial smile and a hello, I let them speak to me first if they wanted to chat more, as some women are weary of being hit on or getting unwanted attention in the gym. But we all now chat happliy as we work out.
 
Bullying's always been about. It just takes different forms these days. It's part of our natural social development, really. Physical, face to face bullying is far less prevalent in schools today, cos of much greater intervention by staff, but the psychological side of things does seem to have ramped up a lot. In my day; have an issue, have it out, win or lose, it's over. Done. Now, it continues for ever; videos, pics, SM posts, etc. Nasty.

I know bullying has always happened but I've never personally seen the viciousness before and of course these days as you say if social media is a big thing for you, and it is for many young people, there's no escape and you're exposed to bullying almost 24/7 no matter where you go.

I don't know if there are any stats on physical bullying over the years but I can tell you what's been a part of my little circle and it's that schools have all the right policy statements but when it comes to actually confronting bullying and doing anything they'd just rather not.
 
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schools have all the right policy statements but when it comes to actually confronting bullying and doing anything they'd just rather not.

How do you KNOW this?
 
How do you KNOW this?

First hand accounts from family members and people I know. I'll give you one below.

There seems to be a reluctance to actually confront the issue. Teachers and heads will have a meeting and they'll meet the complainant and their parents and they may suggest a way forward and it'll probably involve questioning the alleged bullies and if they deny it the complainant may be asked to provide evidence or they may suggest the complainant moves to another class, course or establishment.

Policy followed. All boxes ticked. Case closed.

My nieces daughter faced horrendous bullying including verbal, emotional and physical assaults. The staff asked the bullies if they'd done this and of course they denied it. There didn't appear to be any follow up or monitoring action. After more incidents happened and were reported to staff it was suggested that she should move which is what happened. Personally I'd have kept the evidence and involved other victims and the police but I can see the sense in moving as the educational facility involved or rather the staff in it seemed to have zero motivation or intent to ensure a safe educational environment. If the police had been involved it could have escalated in the unsafe and largely unmonitored environment. I can see the staffs viewpoint. Close monitoring and following up by confronting bullies and their parents is difficult, it's much easier to see someone complaining of being bullied leave and go somewhere else and hope the whole problem goes away with them.

This isn't the only example I have, I could give you more. It's pointless just having a policy and a procedure if the teachers and heads involved for whatever reason don't want to make it an effective and fair process.
 
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First hand accounts from family members and people I know. I'll give you one below.

There seems to be a reluctance to actually confront the issue. Teachers and heads will have a meeting and they'll meet the complainant and their parents and they may suggest a way forward and it'll probably involve questioning the alleged bullies and if they deny it the complainant may be asked to provide evidence or they may suggest the complainant moves to another class, course or establishment.

Policy followed. All boxes ticked. Case closed.

My nieces daughter faced horrendous bullying including verbal, emotional and physical assaults. The staff asked the bullies if they'd done this and of course they denied it. There didn't appear to be any follow up or monitoring action. After more incidents happened and were reported to staff it was suggested that she should move which is what happened. Personally I'd have kept the evidence and involved other victims and the police but I can see the sense in moving as the educational facility involved or rather the staff in it seemed to have zero motivation or intent to ensure a safe educational environment. If the police had been involved it could have escalated in the unsafe and largely unmonitored environment. I can see the staffs viewpoint. Close monitoring and following up by confronting bullies and their parents is difficult, it's much easier to see someone complaining of being bullied leave and go somewhere else and hope the whole problem goes away with them.

This isn't the only example I have, I could give you more. It's pointless just having a policy and a procedure if the teachers and heads involved for whatever reason don't want to make it an effective and fair process.

What do you want staff to do? Do you not think there should be a proper procedure in place? Without evidence, what do your realistically expect anyone to do? And do you think the average teacher has the time or energy to solve every single case of bullying in schools?

There didn't appear to be any follow up or monitoring action

How do you know this though? You have no idea what actually happened.

the staff in it seemed to have zero motivation or intent to ensure a safe educational environment

Again, how can you actually KNOW this? You do appreciate we are only getting one side of this story, don't you? Kids make stuff up all the time; it's part of being a kid. So how can they verify every single incident and act upon it? They'd have no time to teach.


It's pointless just having a policy and a procedure if the teachers and heads involved for whatever reason don't want to make it an effective and fair process.

But isn't this just your opinion, based on what you admit yourself is only anecdotal information?

This is the real crux; most of what has been said on this thread is opinion, little more. So there is a perception, by some people, that x y or z is happening, but no actual evidence. If we act according to perception alone, we'll just end up in a horrible mess. Knowing/having known many, many teachers and educational staff in my time, and having experience of teaching myself, things are never black and white. Personally, I feel a lot more bullying is dealt with more effectively than when I was at school, but the bottom line is; kids can be f*****g horrible. School can be a horrible place for many kids. I was never happier than the day I left school for good. But it's LIFE. People have to deal with it. Of course it's not 'fair'; life generally isn't. That's just how it is.
 
What do you want staff to do? Do you not think there should be a proper procedure in place? Without evidence, what do your realistically expect anyone to do? And do you think the average teacher has the time or energy to solve every single case of bullying in schools?



How do you know this though? You have no idea what actually happened.



Again, how can you actually KNOW this? You do appreciate we are only getting one side of this story, don't you? Kids make stuff up all the time; it's part of being a kid. So how can they verify every single incident and act upon it? They'd have no time to teach.




But isn't this just your opinion, based on what you admit yourself is only anecdotal information?

This is the real crux; most of what has been said on this thread is opinion, little more. So there is a perception, by some people, that x y or z is happening, but no actual evidence. If we act according to perception alone, we'll just end up in a horrible mess. Knowing/having known many, many teachers and educational staff in my time, and having experience of teaching myself, things are never black and white. Personally, I feel a lot more bullying is dealt with more effectively than when I was at school, but the bottom line is; kids can be f*****g horrible. School can be a horrible place for many kids. I was never happier than the day I left school for good. But it's LIFE. People have to deal with it. Of course it's not 'fair'; life generally isn't. That's just how it is.

Things are never black and white? What planet are you on?

It certainly is black and white if an individual or a group is verbally, emotionally or physically assaulting others as that is clearly wrong. There's no wriggle room there. It's wrong regardless of the age of those involved. Staff should have the courage resources and backup to implement the procedures and policy statements they have not take the easy way out. Doing little and suggesting the victim leaves looks like taking the easy way out to me. I could also give you examples of schools excluding some and being pressurised to take them back pdq. What message will that send to the victims?

I'm reporting what I was told by those family and friends involved. Some semblance of truth could be gathered by staff being professional, interviewing all involved and monitoring activity within the establishment but that doesn't always happen and didn't happen in the examples I'm referring to. Thank gosh I've never been responsible for managing children as that's a minefield in many ways these days maybe more than every but having supervised and managed working age young people and adults for decades I have come across just about every imaginable scenario and dealt with them professionally so I do have some idea what can go on and some understanding of those who don't want to go the extra mile, but imo they should.
 
I'm reporting what I was told

And that's ALL. Which isn't the whole picture. Imagine looking at it from the perspective of a teacher, who has to maintain at least a modicum of professional impartiality, rather YOUR own. This is key; objectivity. Something quite a number people on this forum don't seem to understand...

having supervised and managed working age young people and adults for decades I have come across just about every imaginable scenario

You really, really haven't. You just think you have.

Thank gosh I've never been responsible for managing children

Right. So by your own admission, you have no experience in this field. Yet you feel somehow you are entitled to your opinion, and for that opinion to be agreed with and respected? Really?


What planet are you on?

Earth, mate. I share it with over seven billion other human beings. What about you?
 
Our lovely faithful past away nearly two years ago, it was also a bad year as other events happened, which I won't go into. But loosing our faithful old girl through illness, really did effect me and the missus. I could walk with our faithful old girl for hours, but missus found it difficult getting out, as a permanent wheelchair user.

I was thinking of our lovely staffie cross only this morning, and I watched a few videos of her and me playing. Got me a little emotional it did, but lovely memories.

PS

We also have a cat, just been in the garden fooling about with him. He loves chasing branches. :)

We lost ours last year (see avatar). Still not got over losing him to be honest. We had 14 years together.
 
Close friends that I would talk to about very personal, emotional stuff, have given me support with MH things and would that I would want to come to my wedding if I were to ever marry - five. Three female, two male.

Beyond that people that I would describe as friends rather than accquaintances, probably no more than five more. I have never had a "friend group" that all hung out together as an adult.

Total number of facebook friends, 40, which includes some of the above and family members, people I know from hobbies etc.
 
I have never had many close friends, even at school (and none of them, did I continue with after leaving) Such friends as I have had, I have outlived.
My Christmas card list is now not much more than 30 cards, though I "know" rather more people than that.
Even some family I no longer see, some as long ago as my childhood. Though I have recently made contact with two maternal cousins, that I had not seen since prep school. Some cousins that live in Ireland, I have never seen.
 
We lost ours last year (see avatar). Still not got over losing him to be honest. We had 14 years together.
When I see your avatar, I do think of our lovely girl, we had her for thirteen years. :)
 
It seems from reading most of the replies on here, that most of us do not have that many friends. We seem to function reasonably well without them also. I think women probably have more friends than men, in general. Surprising thing is, I don't think that many replies on this thread have been from women. Or have any women replied, I have not noticed any?

I suppose I am noticing things a little more at the moment, as I am not even seeing family members. So the little very few and far between meet ups with the few friends that I do have, I am missing.
 
I have one friend I’ve known since I was about 5, but even him I wouldn’t consider our relationship all that close.
I have people I talk to and meet up with occasionally, but I wouldn’t call them friends As such.
I’m 36, so not Exactly ancient, I’m probably not “normal” for my age. I’ve never really liked going out drinking or clubbing.
I just don’t like people very much and prefer my own company.
 
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I have one friend I’ve known since I was about 5, but even him I wouldn’t consider our relationship all that close.
I have people I talk to and meet up with occasionally, but I wouldn’t call them friends As such.
I’m 36, so not Exactly ancient, I’m probably not “normal” for my age. I’ve never really liked going out drinking or clubbing.
I just don’t like people very much and prefer my own company.
It would seem you are normal on here though, as it would seem most of us have the same sort of thoughts, and ideas. Or at least some of us do, while some just can't get on, judging by the way some threads end up. Or maybe some of us are too alike, and we clash.
 
It would seem all those hundreds or even thousands of social media friends, are not friends at all then. I think we tend to have more real friends when we are younger. As we get older and get into relationships, and get married, our partner become our best friend. After all it would be difficult to be always hanging about with your mates, and not spending much time with your partner.
 
@jonbeeza


I agree with you. That is true in real life, before or after social media. I would not call you "Billy No Mates" because that is real life. Long before social media, sometimes someone would claim to have a dozen of friends. Let's say as an hypothesis example, Adam claim to have a dozen friends, but when asked "How well do you know Ben?" and after having found out that Adam does not know Ben at all, apart from his name and the fact that they meet at work, the name would be crossed off the list. "How well do you know Charlie?" Crossed off the list. "How well do you known Danny?" and so on.

By the time the list had been narrowed down to only 2 or 3 people Adam actually knows well, including their date of birth, their hobbies, etc. It could be said that Adam only have a couple of friends, and the rest are really more of acquaintances.

The problem is that social media, such as the likes of Facebook, don't bother to set the difference between friend and acquaintance. Someone would have 1,000 friends, when in reality, actually have 3 friends and 997 acquaintances.

Sometimes some people would tell the truth, say they really have only a couple of real friends, but why do they get called "Billy No Mates" for being truthful? I often wonder, when are people going to turn the tables around, and call those who claim to have zillions of friends by a phase, something that's opposite of "Billy No Mates" but the meaning implies lying about how many friends.

Oh, I got it, how about calling them "Fred Fantasy Friends"? They claim you have 500 friends, but they're not real-life friends, they're just numbers on Facebook profile, just a fantasy. You know? Or "Larry Lying Pals"? Sometimes I suspect that one person claims to have a lot of friends, in order to make himself/herself sounds like a popular person.

Here's a positive thing about having a few friends than too many friends in real life. In my case, a friend of mine exclaimed to me that I am a really good friend who had always been there for her. But the reason I've always been there for her, is because I have plenty of time to spare and always available to help her out. If you have a dozen friends, you're likely to have less time for one of them.

Kenny lost his job, is p***ed off, wanted to talk to Adam. "Meet me at the pub? I could do with a drink and someone to talk to." So what does someone like Adam who have a dozen friends do? He got to meet Ben on Tuesday, agreed to meet Charlie on Wednesday, got to go to see the doctor on Thursday, going out with Fiona on Friday....

Kenny would feel let down, because Adam is not there for him.

I prefer social media should use the items Followers and Following rather than Facebook's Friends. I'm not on Facebook, but I do have other social media, sometimes if it is a Friend request, I would not accept unless the person and I have actually exchanged a lot of messages and have gotten to know each other a little better than nothing. If a social media got Followers and Following then I would be fine with it, even if I got 20 followers and I'm following 100 others, as it does not mean we're friends.

Facebook needs to rethink theirs.
 
I prefer social media should use the items Followers and Following rather than Facebook's Friends. I'm not on Facebook, but I do have other social media, sometimes if it is a Friend request, I would not accept unless the person and I have actually exchanged a lot of messages and have gotten to know each other a little better than nothing. If a social media got Followers and Following then I would be fine with it, even if I got 20 followers and I'm following 100 others, as it does not mean we're friends.

Facebook needs to rethink theirs.

Facebook does have Followers and Following. But it is an account that usually relates to a company. Famous people usually use this sort of account, some use it themselves, some have somebody to make the posts for them.
 
Facebook does have Followers and Following. But it is an account that usually relates to a company. Famous people usually use this sort of account, some use it themselves, some have somebody to make the posts for them.

Well, like I said, I'm not on Facebook.

But as you point out, it's usually for companies and famous people, not for the general population who would still add, add, add, and add, anyone as Friends and yet, does not know any single thing about the "friends" they have, apart from what they read on the profiles.
 
I think what it comes down to is how many friends we need and how many friends we have time for. I don't need that many and also don't have time for too many. Social media tends to make people think the more they have the better their life will be... social media is a business, its how they grow.
 
Well, like I said, I'm not on Facebook.

But as you point out, it's usually for companies and famous people, not for the general population who would still add, add, add, and add, anyone as Friends and yet, does not know any single thing about the "friends" they have, apart from what they read on the profiles.
I have seen general population people that I know with Follow accounts. With friends accounts, you get to see everything those people post on their own accounts that they haven't kept private, or where they have been tagged in someone else's account. With a Follow account, people would have to make a comment on your account for you to see it.
 
@jonbeeza


I agree with you. That is true in real life, before or after social media. I would not call you "Billy No Mates" because that is real life. Long before social media, sometimes someone would claim to have a dozen of friends. Let's say as an hypothesis example, Adam claim to have a dozen friends, but when asked "How well do you know Ben?" and after having found out that Adam does not know Ben at all, apart from his name and the fact that they meet at work, the name would be crossed off the list. "How well do you know Charlie?" Crossed off the list. "How well do you known Danny?" and so on.

By the time the list had been narrowed down to only 2 or 3 people Adam actually knows well, including their date of birth, their hobbies, etc. It could be said that Adam only have a couple of friends, and the rest are really more of acquaintances.

The problem is that social media, such as the likes of Facebook, don't bother to set the difference between friend and acquaintance. Someone would have 1,000 friends, when in reality, actually have 3 friends and 997 acquaintances.

Sometimes some people would tell the truth, say they really have only a couple of real friends, but why do they get called "Billy No Mates" for being truthful? I often wonder, when are people going to turn the tables around, and call those who claim to have zillions of friends by a phase, something that's opposite of "Billy No Mates" but the meaning implies lying about how many friends.

Oh, I got it, how about calling them "Fred Fantasy Friends"? They claim you have 500 friends, but they're not real-life friends, they're just numbers on Facebook profile, just a fantasy. You know? Or "Larry Lying Pals"? Sometimes I suspect that one person claims to have a lot of friends, in order to make himself/herself sounds like a popular person.

Here's a positive thing about having a few friends than too many friends in real life. In my case, a friend of mine exclaimed to me that I am a really good friend who had always been there for her. But the reason I've always been there for her, is because I have plenty of time to spare and always available to help her out. If you have a dozen friends, you're likely to have less time for one of them.

Kenny lost his job, is p***ed off, wanted to talk to Adam. "Meet me at the pub? I could do with a drink and someone to talk to." So what does someone like Adam who have a dozen friends do? He got to meet Ben on Tuesday, agreed to meet Charlie on Wednesday, got to go to see the doctor on Thursday, going out with Fiona on Friday....

Kenny would feel let down, because Adam is not there for him.

I prefer social media should use the items Followers and Following rather than Facebook's Friends. I'm not on Facebook, but I do have other social media, sometimes if it is a Friend request, I would not accept unless the person and I have actually exchanged a lot of messages and have gotten to know each other a little better than nothing. If a social media got Followers and Following then I would be fine with it, even if I got 20 followers and I'm following 100 others, as it does not mean we're friends.

Facebook needs to rethink theirs.

Just thinking now, when me and the missus used to go to the pub, a good few years ago now. We would meet up with friends there, and there were a good few of us. When we stopped going the pub, we no longer saw them. We realised they were only drinking mates, and we did not really know them outside of the pub.

I suppose the same could be said of workmates, we do not know them outside of work.
 
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