Had An Argument With My Step Dad

Once again - sorry if my post was short and curt...
Click to expand...

You wont offend me buddy. Call it as you see it. :thumbs:
 
i'd say that living at home at 20 is fairly normal, and the way things are headed with the up-coming depression, young people may end up living at home for a lot longer than that. the kid is a student anyway, give him a chance to get an education before suggesting that he should be in his own place. i'm guessing it's all very different now than it was when some of the more mature posters on this thread set out into the big bad world......

i think the key point here, IMO, is that the house is still steven's home. i'm in my thirties, and have my own house, but i'd still consider my mother's house my home. i also like to think i can have a shower there when i want, if it's not inconveniencing them in any way.

clearly the issue here is that the shower is in the parent's ensuite, and i can see how the issue of personal space invasion might cause the friction. however, the step-dad should be setting the tone here by organising a shower in the other bathroom rather than starting p*****g contest with "it's my house......"

wanting a shower is not unreasonable, and it's got to be better for the environment than having baths eveyday into the bargain. maybe the OP could chip in and contribute towards the cost of a shower install to ease the tension.

the other side of things is that some people are just a******s. so inevitably some dad's, step-dads and kids will always be a******s, and it's just bad luck if you are lumbered with them.
 
Good work Steven, we all get worked up sometimes but it takes maturity and strength to stop it spiralling out of control. In my opinion you should always try to find a solution to a problem rather than try and prove somebody else wrong.

:thumbs:
 
clearly the issue here is that the shower is in the parent's ensuite, and i can see how the issue of personal space invasion might cause the friction. however, the step-dad should be setting the tone here by organising a shower in the other bathroom rather than starting p*****g contest with "it's my house......"
Click to expand...

I take the opposite view - I think the likelyhood is that this whole shower thing is just one part of a competition. If it wasn't this then there would be something else.

I do have a solution. One of them - or both - should be neutered. Then you get an end to the whole dominant male competition.

Sorted.
 
pie-eater said:
Yes i agree, just me getting on my high horse, only because i love my "step-son" as much as my own son and for someone to say that he means nothing to him just got my back up, thats all, but you did make a valid point in that opinions are just that, an opinion weather its right or wrong. Any way i hope steven has got it sorted and get a shower, you dirty ***. lol.
Click to expand...

I must apologise also after re-reading what i had typed, it wasn't the smartest post i have ever made.
:thumbs:
 
pie-eater said:
Yes i agree, just me getting on my high horse, only because i love my "step-son" as much as my own son and for someone to say that he means nothing to him just got my back up, thats all, but you did make a valid point in that opinions are just that, an opinion weather its right or wrong. Any way i hope steven has got it sorted and get a shower, you dirty ***. lol.
Click to expand...

Haha, don't worry, I do shower daily! :lol:

who? said:
I take the opposite view - I think the likelyhood is that this whole shower thing is just one part of a competition. If it wasn't this then there would be something else.

I do have a solution. One of them - or both - should be neutered. Then you get an end to the whole dominant male competition.

Sorted.
Click to expand...

Believe me, it's not. It's only about the shower, nothing else, things just escalated a bit because twice in two weeks he had said to me: "If you don't like it, you know where to go/you can leave". That just annoyed me. Although Marcel would see me as a guest, I would like to think they I was welcome there.

Everything seems to be sorted now, as said. A second shower will be installed in the main bathroom... hopefully soon :thumbs:
 
Steven001 said:
It's only about the shower, nothing else, things just escalated a bit because twice in two weeks he had said to me: "If you don't like it, you know where to go/you can leave":
Click to expand...

I rest my case.;)
 
I have two children from my previous marriage.
Harry is 19 and Lydia is 17 and they live with their Mum (and her new husband) about 25 miles away
I am happily married to a gorgeous girl, 16 years younger than me. She was a widow when I met her (first husband died of cystic fibrosis) and was left alone to bring up 4 year old twin boys single handedly.
We married last Summer after 6 years together, and the twins are now 12 years old.
My two kids come visit regularly, in fact my daughter and a friend of hers looked after the house recently when Sam and I went on a much needed holiday.
It doesn't matter what happens in the future, my two "natural" kids would be welcomed into my house to live at anytime. They would never be referred to as "guests"...they are flesh and blood.
I hate to differ but I could never call any of my children "guests" in my house..
 
Having read this post from start to finish may I suggest to the OP (and anyone else for that matter) to go and get/rent/steal/download a copy of a family film or two, althought not directly linking the the topic but showing the virtues of human behaviour.

Uncle Buck
Parenthood
Jungle Book
It's a Wonderful Life
The Sound of Music

etc..........

I could suggest a couple of books to read to but do 20 year olds still read (only joking)

Try a book called

BOOK or BOOK2

We all could do with a smack on the nose sometimes but don't do anything you may regret, life is too short.
 
Don't get me wrong. My children will always be welcome, and they will always have a home here.

However, it is not their house...it is mine.

What if one of your children wants to knock a wall down, or build an extension? What if they wanted to redecorate the living room in bright pink?

Would you let them? No because it's not their house, it's yours.

That's my point.
 
Marcel said:
Don't get me wrong. My children will always be welcome, and they will always have a home here.

However, it is not their house...it is mine.

What if one of your children wants to knock a wall down, or build an extension? What if they wanted to redecorate the living room in bright pink?

Would you let them? No because it's not their house, it's yours.

That's my point.
Click to expand...

Marcel, You are the man. More power to you and those like you.
 
fracster said:
Beggars belief that the initial post was made............:thumbsdown:
Click to expand...

Not really, forums are a great place to share worries without it becoming overly personal.

Good luck to the kid - I say rotate the shower, day on day off etc.
 
dont no it anyone has said this but its most Likely to be two things one its the alpha male thing your getting older hes getting older and he feels he needs to show you that dominance but putting a block on the shower, its a small thing but its him saying this is my territory and you can’t be here (i would like to say this will pass but it will only pass when you get your own place, me and my dad casing point).
Secondly it could be because he is your step father and my not feel comfortable with you in his room naked, been older now you need to respect boundaries and he needs to except that you are getting older
 
Last edited:
get the tin bath out the shed ,fill a watering can ,,,,,,maybe not wait for the shower to be installed ,,( i agree with marcel,,,its my house not yours ) the times ive told my kids to b****r off ,,bloody kids ,,,,,i dont really mean it ive got three girls 21 18 and 16 ,and im gonna miss them when they can afford to go ......:'(
 
Marcel said:
What if one of your children wants to knock a wall down, or build an extension? What if they wanted to redecorate the living room in bright pink?

Would you let them? No because it's not their house, it's yours.
Click to expand...


Of course I wouldn't let them! And they wouldn't be stupid enough to ask as they know what they would be told.
But if my daughter wanted to paint HER room in bright pink?
Or my Son wanted to paint HIS room blue with yellow spots?

They would be allowed.

And whatever their ages, I would NEVER refer to them as "guests"

Rob
 
Smiffy said:
Of course I wouldn't let them! And they wouldn't be stupid enough to ask as they know what they would be told.
But if my daughter wanted to paint HER room in bright pink?
Or my Son wanted to paint HIS room blue with yellow spots?

They would be allowed.
Click to expand...

As would I :)


And whatever their ages, I would NEVER refer to them as "guests"

Rob
Click to expand...

That's entirely your choice. But until you let them redecorate the living room or start knocking down walls, then you're treating them as guests in your house. OK you may not refer to them as such, but you are still overuling them. Why? Because its your house, not their, and that's the entire point I'm making.
While we give our children certain amounts of freedom to call our houses a home, and we treat them with more regard than we would a complete stranger. They still are, for all intents and purposes, guests in your house.
While you have the option to kick them out (regardless of whether you would or not....they're guests by your allowance).
 
dont worry my mother two sisters and brothr jusdt disowned me and put a blvck on me connecting them on the net or on the phone coz they say i am a nasty vindictive person, and would rathe ri never contact them again and that to them i dont exist. so trust me u can make it u with ** family. its never as bad as that.
 
Smiffy said:
Of course I wouldn't let them! And they wouldn't be stupid enough to ask as they know what they would be told.
But if my daughter wanted to paint HER room in bright pink?
Or my Son wanted to paint HIS room blue with yellow spots?

They would be allowed.

And whatever their ages, I would NEVER refer to them as "guests"

Rob
Click to expand...
I agree with you entirely Rob, absolutely. Not only do I not refer to my kids as guests in our home, they simply are not guests at all.

Marcel, this sits really uncomfortably with me, of course it's your prerogative, but mine too. Firstly, I want to make something unequivocally clear - I am not suggesting that you do not absolutely adore your gorgeous children. It is so obvious you love them dearly, and one can see this simply by reading your many posts on here, especially your '365' thread. However, to refer to ones children as guests, and also seemingly actually imply that your kids are guests in your home sits extremely uncomfortably with me.

Personally, I would never refer to my kids as guests, and neither would I ever treat them as guests. My home is their home. A home is more complete when filled with ones children. For me, my kids make 'our home' and I would never, ever suggest to anyone, including them, that they are only guests within it.

To take your analogy a step further, what would you do if by chance, your 16yr old child won the premium bonds and offered to pay for the conservatory and that gorgeous two storey extension you have always wanted, thus significantly adding to the value of your home...? As the child would have paid for it, would this then be his/hers or yours...? would the home be 70% yours and 30% theirs...? I have to say I feel that this is an ill thought out analogy which falls flat here, and also seems to be comoddotising [sp] the children.

To take this a step further, and further illustrate my point... one could use your analogy and consider spouses in this. So... is the non breadwinner a guest in the home as well...?
 
So let me get this straight, you and your twin carry on in front of him because you know it winds him up..thats the bottom line.
You are trying to provoke arguments with him, try behaving and showing him some respect for a few weeks then ask to use the shower and see what happens.
 
Wow, I really am confused that Marcel's point is so hard for some people to see. Their home but his house seems a very simple concept to me and one that I'd totally agree with.

A very subtle distinction between someone's home and someone's house it's true but also a very important one. :)
 
dazzajl said:
Wow, I really am confused that Marcel's point is so hard for some people to see. Their home but his house seems a very simple concept to me and one that I'd totally agree with.

A very subtle distinction between someone's home and someone's house it's true but also a very important one. :)
Click to expand...
No need to be confused Daz... I agree totally with that sentiment. It's the treating kids as guests that I diagree with. My kids are not guests in our home... simple as that.
 
dazzajl said:
Wow, I really am confused that Marcel's point is so hard for some people to see. Their home but his house seems a very simple concept to me and one that I'd totally agree with.

A very subtle distinction between someone's home and someone's house it's true but also a very important one. :)
Click to expand...

Do you have kids Daz?
:shrug:
 
theMusicMan said:
No need to be confused Daz... I agree totally with that sentiment. It's the treating kids as guests that I diagree with. My kids are not guests in our home... simple as that.
Click to expand...

Perhaps it's just the semantics of the word guest that causing people problems. It does seem like everyone's saying the same thing here really.

Smiffy said:
Do you have kids Daz?
:shrug:
Click to expand...

I do Smiffy....... and I'd go along with the idea that my house will always be their home. :)
 
Last edited:
dazzajl said:
Perhaps it's just the semantics of the word guest that causing people problems. It does seem like everyone's saying the same thing here really.
Click to expand...
Nope Daz, we're not saying the same thing here at all, absolutely not.

Marcel stated clearly that his kids are guests in his house. Sure, this is his prerogative, but is something I do not, nor ever will, subscribe to.

The debate has been done to death now I guess, and Marcel 'n I are not going to fall out over this... :) Free world and all that eh!:thumbs:
 
Cool!
Its great to see so many parenting opinions
Heres my take
I have two at home 22 years ( daughter) 18year old (son)
They are both welcome to stay as long as they like
BUT they live by my ( our) rules !
OK so if they want to decorate their bedrooms in their taste thats OK, But they do not make "major" alterations to the house ( not likely is it? in reality)
IF they are staying out all night with friends, at a party etc they tell me where they are going to be and they will answer their phones if I call them.
They are welcome to have friends around ( and they do) but they tell me who they are and when they are coming.
Tough parenting? I don't think it is.
So far both have grown to be respectful & polite ( to all) and (touch wood ) never have been in any sort of trouble
 
Marcel said:
While we give our children certain amounts of freedom to call our houses a home, and we treat them with more regard than we would a complete stranger. They still are, for all intents and purposes, guests in your house.
Click to expand...

Nope. Sorry, but this is the part I can't get. No matter which way I look at it.
They are my children, and as such anything (within reason) in my house is available to them.
The fact that I overule them on something is not because I see them as my guests....I'm teaching them right from wrong, trying to instill values in them. They may be MY values, but they have held me in good stead for all these years, so I'm not going to change now.
When we've had guests staying, we always say "treat the house like your own home" but I would still be taken aback slightly if I came down in the morning and found one of them cooking a slap up full English without asking first. Would I bat an eyelid if one of my kids did it? Nope.
My Son, who is 19, has just left college, and it was hoped that he was going to go on to uni. He has decided he doesn't want to do this, and instead spends his days on the PC, sending the odd "token" email for jobs etc. He is driving me mad, and can't get it into his thick head that he is an "adult" now and as such should be out earning a living and contributing towards the household bills etc.
But despite all of this, he is my Son, I love the little sod to bits, and all the time he is under my roof will do as he is told...but he isn't a guest.
b****r, why does it sound so easy in my head but is so difficult to get down in words how I'm feeling?
:bonk::bonk:
 
Smiffy said:
Nope. Sorry, but this is the part I can't get. No matter which way I look at it.
They are my children, and as such anything (within reason) in my house is available to them.
Click to expand...

And anything (within reason) in my house is also available to my children. It is first and foremost their HOME just as much as it is my HOME. It isn't however, their house. It's mine.

The fact that I overule them on something is not because I see them as my guests....I'm teaching them right from wrong, trying to instill values in them.
Click to expand...

So you would let them redecorate the living room or knock a wall down? No you wouldn't. Because it's you are teaching them right from wrong. Ergo, you are teaching them that redecorating the living room or knocking a wall down is wrong...why is it wrong? Because it's not their house. (I use this redecorating example purely as an example, but the underlying sentiment fits).

If you dictate what your children can and cannot do in your house, while at the same tame being able to do those things yourself, then you elevate yourself to a higher level in the heirarchy of your household. Therefore you view them as below you in this 'heirarchy'.
You don't treat your kids as 'equals' with regards to your house, and that's right, no one does. You are their parent, they are in your house, and as you say...they follow your rules while they are there.
That's my point..my kids follow my rules...they are in my house.
Just like you ;)

Everyone seems to be getting caught up in the semantics of the word 'guest'.
By guest, I mean that they are here by my choosing (by way of moral obligation, my love for them, and my duty to raise them into adulthood). Nevertheless it is still my choosing. If, when they are adults, I want to kick them out...then I can do (Not that I would of course...but the choice is still there, should I wish to take it). Would it be better if I used the word lodger perhaps?

When we've had guests staying, we always say "treat the house like your own home" but I would still be taken aback slightly if I came down in the morning and found one of them cooking a slap up full English without asking first. Would I bat an eyelid if one of my kids did it? Nope.
Click to expand...

And neither would I.
I think we're misunderstanding each other here. I don't use the term guest as I would in the same vein if I were to have a friend stay over. My children live here and this is their home. It will always be a home available to them, and they will always be afforded more freedom in here than, say, a lodger perhaps.

But the fact still remains, its my house.

I haven't disagreed with ANY of the scenarios any of you have presented, so it seems we're on the same wavelength, but you're getting hung up on the word guest.

By guest, my children are living here by invitation, that's all...as are yours. And by that, it means I have final say on what they can and cannot do under my roof.
 
Hey Marcel - not sure you've responded to the comments and scenarios in my post #61...?
 
theMusicMan said:
I agree with you entirely Rob, absolutely. Not only do I not refer to my kids as guests in our home, they simply are not guests at all.
Click to expand...

If they are not owners, and not guests, what are they?

My home is their home.
Click to expand...
And the same here.
However, house != home.

To take your analogy a step further, what would you do if by chance, your 16yr old child won the premium bonds and offered to pay for the conservatory and that gorgeous two storey extension you have always wanted, thus significantly adding to the value of your home...? As the child would have paid for it, would this then be his/hers or yours...? would the home be 70% yours and 30% theirs...? I have to say I feel that this is an ill thought out analogy which falls flat here, and also seems to be comoddotising [sp] the children.
Click to expand...

Well firstly, I would be asking where they got the money to buy the bonds, then I would ask for rent ;)
However, if they chose to give me a gift, they can't lay claim to it later on. Much like when I've bought my daughter a dress....I can't lay claim to it. Same with, say, a car perhaps. If I buy my child a car...It's theirs, not mine. It's called indian giving oop norf :D...and is frowned upon.

To take this a step further, and further illustrate my point... one could use your analogy and consider spouses in this. So... is the non breadwinner a guest in the home as well...?
Click to expand...

It depends on the situation. However, in my case. No. My wife and I are both on the tenancy agreement. The fact that she is the main breadwinner is irrelevant.
To extend it a little further.
What if my sister came to live with us while her house was being rebuilt? Would this be her home? Yes, temporarily. Would it be her house? No. Would she be a guest in my home? Yes, a very welcome guest.

Again, I'll go back to my previous post. I haven't disagreed with any scenario that either you tmm or Smiffy have offered with regards to your children. I do everything the same way, the only thing we seem to differ on is the use of the word 'guest'.

You have both stated that it is your house, and that it is your rules that the children must abide by. Which is fair and right.
So if your children aren't guests....what are they? What other word should I use to describe the situation?

Must dash, I have to bath my guests and put them to bed :D
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top